Asking for Service

I seem to always get the holiday weeks to post, so I'm grateful for your patience.

Last month I talked about decluttering our space.  In that same vein, we were recently asked by our family, what it was that we wanted or needed for Christmas.  We realized that we really did have everything that we needed, and we didn't have many wants either, but we've got more than 2 people that want to give us something for Christmas.  I remembered something my mother suggested one year.  Service.  Most of our family doesn't live close, so trying to think of service that they could give us from a distance has been challenging.  We really wanted someone to come help us paint our bedroom, but no one's really around soon enough to make that work.

I think in thinking more about what we can do for each other around Christmas and the service that can be given, rather than the gifts, it makes it easier to remember two things.  The ultimate service and sacrifice that Christ gave to us, and one of the great commandments, to love those around us. 

May we all remember and be grateful for what we have and think of some things that we may not need any more that are adding anxiety instead of peace to our lives.  Ask for time with your loved ones.  Items can fade and be broken, but happy memories have a way of sticking around for a long time.  Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy the love that comes from Christmas time.

Rachel C. 

Decluttering

Can I use the same title as my last post?  A little busy.  Last month included a baby blessing (read, lots of family coming into town), husband taking his Step 3 the two days after the blessing, and I performed in a concert the day before (meaning extra rehearsal the day before the concert as well). So the weekend was a bit much and needless to say, I didn't write a post.

This week, just a bit better.  And by a bit, I mean much.  Not a whole lot happening this week, outside the normal, scheduled excitement.  But speaking of lots of stuff...

I had to rewrite this post.  It was becoming too cluttered.  I'm not joking.  Here's the scoop, straight and simple.  I recently have turned my attention to decluttering.  It came to the forefront of my mind when I watched some videos about tiny house living and minimalist living.  I realized how much time and energy and money was being wasted living in the house we're in right now.  It's larger than we need because it was the cheapest rent we could find last minute.  I dislike cleaning it, it takes a long time, we have to spend more heating it, getting rugs for the wood floors (which I love, but they're cold in winter).  We have space and we fill it (though we haven't bought much, more like we allow ourselves to keep more).  We are very thrifty when it comes to stuff we do need to fill it, like the rugs and such, many of the pictures and art on the wall were gifts, the rest I made or bought at a discount.  But I feel overwhelmed.

Add into that the fact that we just had our first child, so we just have more stuff (cloth diapers, diaper bag, blankets, burp cloths, nursing pillow, carriers, bassinet, stroller and car seat all joining our things on the first floor alone).  In watching more videos on tiny house living and minimalistic living (neither of which I will ever do in full, but are great guides), I have taken it to heart to get rid of stuff, to help clear up our house and ease our minds.  I feel guilty every time I look in my closet and don't wear a certain shirt that I paid for or a scarf that someone gave me.  I got rid of them so I wouldn't feel that guilt anymore.  I got rid of stockings that I had only worn once and it was for a costume.  I got rid of jackets that were super cute but not what I naturally gravitate to and so they had been unworn for long periods of time.  I realized I didn't need 3 peacoat style jackets.  Yes, most of the things let go have been clothes, so far.  But the kitchen is on my mind - getting rid of 4 of the 6 wooden spoons we have (because I prefer the wooden spatulas), getting rid of the old set of silverware my husband had before we got married.  Little things that make the space feel so much nicer.  

I'm also decluttering my email - unsubscribing from companies I never use, deleting old emails that are unnecessary, sorting emails better so I know where to look for something and am not overwhelmed in my inbox.  I also want to contact the annoying paper mail that comes, all the ads, again for businesses we don't ever use.  It's a waste of paper and it goes straight into the recycling.  We wont be renewing our subscription to the Ensign because we read it online and we have a giant stack of them that I feel bad throwing out (it's like throwing out scriptures.  OK, not that bad, but it's sort of hard for me).  

Life is crazy hectic sometimes as a resident wife.  The schedule is ever-changing, and when my husband is home with me I want to be home, with him.  Not cleaning or sorting or getting frustrated jamming stuff away because it doesn't fit.  I'm trying to take away that hard part of life so I can focus my attention on the important things and people.  Trying to improve my quality of life, which is not found in objects, which I think is actually diminished by too much stuff.  Maybe it's personal opinion.  But it's working for me so far.  Good luck to each of you in figuring out what you have in your life that might be better off gone.  (Right now it's this stomach ache I have, but that's a little different.)

-Rachel C

I Was a Little Busy

My apologies for missing last month's post.  I was a little busy.  I was welcoming our first born into the world.  Life has changed a lot and yet doesn't seem all that different at the same time.  Except that every once in a while I look at this child that I've helped create and get so overwhelmed that I can't express in words my amazement, joy, excitement and giddiness at how blessed I am to have him that I literally squeal and usually wriggle while boxing an imaginary opponent and exclaim "He's just so stinkin' cute!".  

My husband did all the doctor work.  He checked me.  He gave orders for me.  (He did the husband work, too, in making sure I was comfortable and helping me through contractions).  He helped me through the pushing.  He delivered our baby.  He delivered the placenta.  He stitched me up.  He clamped the cord.  (He let my mom cut the cord.  Thanks husband.)  He held our baby and loved it instantly.  It was amazing.

I'm sure not all women would want their husbands doing all that, even if they are fully qualified.  But I loved it.  I loved that once I started pushing it was really the 3 of us, for the most part.  I pushed the baby out while husband coached me and caught the baby.  The 3 of us were working together, our first family activity.  My husband was the first to see that our child had hair (that's from me).  And the first to know and announce that it was a boy (we didn't find out before the birth).  Our child was passed directly from his mother to his father and back to his mother again.  I felt extremely blessed to have a husband who could experience the labor and birth in that way.  I haven't asked him, but I felt like it made him much more involved and helpful in the delivery process and not merely an onlooker who got to hold the baby once everything was over.  I know that the latter is what most men are and I am sure that it is still an amazing experience for them but, knowing how happy and excited my husband was as soon as he could feel and see our baby, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I love our baby.  He continues to be an amazement to me.  I constantly feel blessed and awed by him.  I know residency life may become much harder due to lack of sleep on both my husband's and my part, and due to the different scheduling required by a child.  But on the flip side, for me, it makes days when husband is gone long hours a little more bearable, and for husband, I'm sure it makes coming home that much sweeter.  Our joys really are much higher than our sorrows.  We are blessed.

I love my husband.  And my son.  I love being a mother.

Workaholic

Hi, I'm Clara and my husband is a workaholic. 

Dr. Barton is on another away rotation for pediatrics. This time he's a tad bit closer at only 2.5 hours and only gone for one month instead of the 3.5 hours away he had to do twice during first year. After working 6 days straight of 4-12 pediatric ER shifts he was given two days off. Since he is "close" to home he decided to come see us. He even drove home as soon as shift was over even though that meant that he wasn't getting in until just after 3 AM. 

Well, even though it's his "day off" and he wasn't even supposed to be in town so nobody was expecting him to be there Dr. Barton informed me last night that he wanted to attend a lunch lecture today. These usually only last an hour to an hour and a half and I didn't really have any plans for us other than to run a few errands so that was fine by me. Then, as we say down to breakfast late this morning, he informed me that the clinic was holding a day of sports physicals that he was thinking of going to. Again, nobody was expecting him to be there since he wasn't going to be in town and it's his day off. Well, look what text I received after the 1.5 hour lunch lecture was over 

Luckily, since second year has already been a bit easier (as in he actually had every weekend off last month), I'm not even bugged by it. Okay, maybe just a tiny bit bugged, but I also can't help but shake my head and chuckle to myself. 

That is until 5:00 rolled around and I got another text saying, "I'll be home in 30 more minutes." Yup. My husband is a workaholic. 

- Clara B. 

It's Not All Bad

Let's face it, every job comes with its perks. Teachers get summers off with their kids, athletes are paid millions to play a game that they love, and the President of the United States lives in a mansion and is flown around on a private plane with more rooms than my house. While the medical word comes with a lot of challenges (not saying other professions don't), it also comes with a few bonuses. Here are a few that I have experienced so far: 

• Getting in to see a doctor is easy. Unless you are needing a specialist that is outside your/your spouses field (and even then sometimes), you really don't have to wait weeks or months to get in with a doc. If I have a concern all it takes is a call to the clinic and I'm given an appointment immediately. Technically I could just show up and they would make sure I was seen, but that goes beyond what I'm comfortable with. 

• When you do go in to see a doctor you don't have to wait. Granted, this hasn't always been the case. Even at the clinic Dr. Barton is practicing in I have waited an hour+ two different times. HOWEVER, most of the time, even when it is crazy packed in the lobby, it takes me 30 minutes or less from the time I walk in the doors to the time I'm walking out. It would be super easy for the doctors to have the mentality of "oh, it's Dr. B's wife? She'll understand if I'm running behind and can't get to her right away," and honestly they wouldn't be wrong. It's a lot harder to be annoyed at the time it takes when you know just how hard they are working. But they generally don't do that, and it's really nice. 

• Sometimes you don't even have to "see" a doctor. A few weeks ago Princess came down with a bad case of strep. I took her in to the clinic and we were taken care of immediately. A few days later Monkey caught the strep, but it was a Saturday and the clinic was closed. Obviously Dr. B was able to examin her, but he can't legally write her a prescription, so we called one of the other residents who called one in for us. We've also had residents make house calls for us when I needed one of the girls to be checked out, the clinic wasn't an option (or just super inconvenient at that time), and Dr. Barton was unavailable to help me out. Seriously, this has been such a blessing at the hardest and most needed times. 

• People respect you more even though you aren't the one with the medical degree. Is it kind of ridiculous that people listen to and agree with what I say more now that I am a doctors wife? Yeah, it kind of is. I mean, it's nice that I feel more heard than ever before, but it's not like I didn't have many of these same thoughts and feelings before. Regardless, I can't deny that it is also kind of nice to hold that extra respect. I just hope that I am truly earning it and can live up to the expectations. 

• You are treated to super nice meals on occasion. Dr. Barton is currently attending a conference for the State Medical Board. Basically a bunch of doctor delegates in varying specialties from around the state convene with legislatures to create and change medical law and practice throughout the state. To be honest it's a little over my head, but it's pretty awesome that Dr. Barton was chosen to be the representative for our residency. Anywho.... we were able to come with him as a family and not only is our travel paid for, but various activities while he is in meetings, amazing dinners every night (including a super fancy and expensive presidential dinner that allows me to get all dressed up), a generous allowance for our other meals, and free t-shirts for the whole family to boot. Tonight my dinner plate was three times what I would normally be okay paying for a meal out AND I ordered dessert, all paid for by the Medical Association (and this was the Family Night dinner, the least fancy of the three nights). 

• Sometimes you also to have fun experiences paid for. At this conference we were also invited to attend the local Discovery Museum as a family. Again, this was completely paid for by the Medical Association. For our little family of four this activity normally would have cost us $50, meaning normally we wouldn't go. However, it turned out to be something that our kids absolutely loved even though it's geared towards older children (think 5-12, not 2 and 3). They were so sad that it was time to go after almost two hours of being there. 

At this point in our medical training there are undeniably more hardships than benefits, but that certainly doesn't mean that they aren't there. So for now I am going to enjoy these advantages guilt-free. And maybe even order a second dessert. 

- Clara B. 

Awkward Situation

I feel like this is a story where there is a lesson to be learned, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.  We were in a baby class.  It happened to be the midwives class, but it's not really relevant.  (I actually really enjoyed our first class other than this one thing, but you'll see, it wasn't the class that bugged me).  We were all asked to state our fears about labor and delivery, and support people were asked to state theirs as well.  There were the normal things about pain, endurance, fear of unknown emergencies.  Then there was one husband whose fear was the competence of the staff at the hospital.  He was nervous that he couldn't trust the physicians and nurses to be the best and do the best for his wife and child.  He continued by saying he had heard bad things about the hospital, about people going in for routine surgeries and not making it.  That then provoked 3 other class members to agree and share that they had heard the same thing about the hospital and its workers.  It was then agreed on, however, that the exception to this was the labor and delivery floor, the recovery area, the pediatric staff and the NICU staff.  Those nurses and doctors were very kind and helpful.  Now that I think about it, I don't remember any mention of them being competent, but it's possible they mentioned it.

No one knew my husband was a resident.  We both know want to keep that fact under wraps.  I have 2 reasons.  One, it made me extremely uncomfortable hearing the colleagues of my husband (and my husband as well) doubted and bashed just a little bit.  I had never heard any of this before and I feel like if our hospital wasn't good, 1) my husband wouldn't have wanted to come here and 2) it would have been a topic of conversation with both the residents and their significant others (since the residents are here trying to learn and if they feel like either other residents or attendings aren't doing things properly, it's going to be brought up).  But I am not one to confront people in almost any situation (especially when I haven't prepared myself for it), so I was not ready to challenge 4 people whose opinions were probably fairly rooted and unlikely to change (especially from a residents wife - I'm biased in their eyes).  Two, it may make other people uncomfortable once they find out the opinions they hold are negative towards my husband.  I don't want to make the whole class awkward because I want to continue learning how to best prepare myself for labor and delivery and that is unrelated to what the classes opinions are.

We will not be going on the tour of the labor and delivery floor at the next class.  We don't want to be recognized and labeled as what we are (does that sound horrible?) and I already had the tour with the hospital's class, so I don't think I'll be missing anything.  (Plus my husband has been on OB this last month anyway, so I've been up there visiting him and talking to all the nurses and getting the lay of the land.  I'm feeling pretty confident and comfortable).

Lessons to be learned?

 - When speaking to a group of people that you don't know, at least consider the possibility that what you are about to say could be insulting to them.

 - Take all horror stories (or fabulous stories at that) that you hear from friends or friends of friends with a grain of salt.  I've heard the same experience told by the patient and the doctor and they were very different stories, so whether from ignorance, shame, pride, or other reasons, stories can be altered.

I'm still not sure if we should have said something or not.  I'm scared it's going to be a little harder for me to be completely open in the class and I'm going to be constantly censuring my thoughts and comments.  For me, realizing that not everyone is going to appreciate my husband the way I do and knowing that yes, mistakes are made sometimes because everyone working at the hospital is human, is helpful.  I also have confidence, though, that the hospital does not keep inept employees.  And that's what I think about when I start getting irritated at people's unfounded comments.  

I'm not sure if this post is helpful in any way.  It was more an interesting situation that I was placed in.  And it's quite possible that you may come into a situation like this (whether your spouse or significant other is a doctor/resident/med student or not).  If you know of a better way to approach it, let me know.  For now, I'll keep my thoughts to myself and just focus on the class.

-Rachel C. 

Everybody Needs a Little Time Away (from residency)

As usual, the 4th Monday has come at a crazy time, so I am my usual few days late in posting.  We are in the middle of one of our rare, has been planned out for the last year since we put in our vacation requests, finally a chance to get out of town together and not going to a family gathering, vacation.  And it was very much needed.

 I'd just turned in my take home final for my math class (and decided I didn't want to take any classes this upcoming semester because this last semester I really did not love putting all my time and energy towards math when instead I really just wanted to stare at and hold my belly.  And I assume that I'll be even more attracted to holding and caring for my child once it's actually born, so a math degree is officially on hold.   And I'm very much ok with that).

 My husband had just come off of what seemed like 3 months of crazy hard rotations.  Lots of nights and weird hours, making any conversation or time together either very minimal or filled with charts and checking up on patients.

 With a baby on the way, it seemed a good opportunity to have some time with just the two of us (though some hiking and activities go a little slower because of my 'condition') before most of our attention gets diverted to the beautiful, adorable child that we'll be blessed with.

So we came to Grenada!  That's where my husband did a year of medical school and he couldn't stop talking about it (and after hearing about it, I really wanted to go).  So we scraped together as many vacations days as possible and have an amazing 9 full days and 10 nights in a warm, humid (which I'm really enjoying), beach filled island.  The food is delicious and as a bonus, we got to have our layovers in my hometown, so I got/get to see my parents and get emotional about not living there anymore.

I know things will change once children enter our lives, but I can't recommend enough that you take whatever time you can to be as calm and relaxed and enjoy yourself before something crazy happens ( like your last year of residency and your lack of any definite ideas of where you plan on going in a year and you're about to have your 1st child).  Good luck.  If luck had anything to do with it.

-Rachel C.

When the Husband's Away the Children Will Try to Kill You

**WARNING this has been a rough week and this post is filled with anger, bitterness, and frustration**

Dr. Barton is on his second rotation of pediatrics. Since our location doesn't see enough Peds cases in the hospital, all first year residents spend two months out of the medical year working in a bigger city 3.5 hours away. This kind of really sucks when you have kids because you can't really go with them. To top it off it's one of those rotations where they only have four days off the entire month and they work super long days. This doesn't leave much time for visiting or coming home, especially since instead of two weekends off Dr. Barton was given one day each week. That's not very condusive for a seven hour round trip to see the family. It also makes it *almost* not worth the drive alone with two toddlers and being five months pregnant. (We're expecting baby #3 in September!) 

Anyway... basically life is hard right now and I'm not taking it well. I'm going to partially blame the baby hormones (because I can), but it is a fact that my normally sweet children drastically change their behavior when they don't see Dr. Dad very often. This last week they have really been trying my patience. And well, I just haven't passed the test very well. Here are just a few of the trials they have put me through in the last couple of days

Yes, those are bathtub letters that Monkey threw in the toilet (that had just been used) and yes, Princess did try to help by flushing the potty repeatedly causing it to majorly back up. This happened while I was unloading our car from a weekend trip to see my family. 

Yes, that is half the contents of my silver wear drawer and a broken cup on the floor when both girls decided it was a genius idea to climb on the counter while mom quickly used the restroom. 

Yes, that is practically every toy we own dumped onto the floor not even an hour after I had just organized and cleaned the playroom. 

And I didn't even take pictures of the flowers that were pulled off of their stems just two days after I planted them or the bright blue sharpie that was used to color a mural on my wall. Then of course there is the bedtime problems we've been having since Dr. Dad left for this rotation. You know, the one where three hours after we've gone through the bedtime routine of reading books, brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, singing songs, giving multiple rounds of hugs and kisses, both children are still awake and coming out of their bedroom. 

Basically these past two weeks have been super ridiculously hard. I don't feel like a loving mother because I'm struggling with my patience. I don't feel like a supportive wife because I'm angry that Dr. Barton can't be around to help at all. I don't feel like a good person because I'm frustrated and so focused on getting through my day that I can't really manage to think of anyone else around me. This month is hard and I am barely surviving. 

- Clara B.

On the Road to a Parenting Life

Expecting your first child comes with some fun moments.  Especially when you're husband is a resident.

• Picking an OB: when you're husband has worked with most of them and you'll see them at resident Christmas parties (which mine hosts).  
• Hiding pregnancy symptoms: When you're surrounded by doctors (and mother's who've been through it before).  Luckily, I had close to zero symptoms at the beginning, my belly didn't pop out until 5 months along (which is when we started telling people), my OB is at the hospital, not the clinic, so there weren't any residents to bump into accidentally in the one staircase and hallway, and we were ok lying to people's faces if anyone cared to ask if we were expecting (because we didn't care to tell them yet).
• Picking a regular doctor when your heart starts acting funny at the clinic where all the residents work.  Who are all either husbands of your friends, or your friends.  So I chose a female friend.  Because it would just be weird to have your friend's husband seeing you uncovered in any way.  Otherwise I have no problems with male doctors.
• Talking labor and birth with a bunch of female residents and mothers who explain things in such a clinical way.  Which is a little refreshing after all the wives tales reasonings behind funny pregnancy symptoms.
• Telling the Labor and Delivery nurses that I'd like to try going natural, no epidural.  Some interesting faces were passed around the group.  But they were still nice to me.  We'll see how that plays out in 3 months.
• In general, having men around that know so much about pregnancy.  More than the average father.  It's a little topsy turvy and funny.
• Sometimes when I ask my husband about some symptom I'm feeling and he says 'I don't know, ask your OB'.  What's the benefit of marrying a doctor, then? Besides the fact that I love him and he's super cute.  And he typically does know (or at least has a good idea), he just likes to feign ignorance to get a reaction out of me.  And it works, pretty much every time.  Adorable. 
• Realizing my husband is more prepared for labor than I am.  He's seen it, delivered children, coached women through delivery.  I've only heard him talk about it.

So we're excited to have an addition to our family.  And I really love having a medical man in the house to help me understand what my body is going through and what it has yet to go through.  But I know neither of us is really aware of what's about to happen in 3 months.  And we're stoked to find out!

I love my husband.  

And our little baby.  

Even though it's recently found my ribs.

-Rachel C. 

Life Unplugged

As I mentioned in my previous post, Dr. Barton and I were able to go on a week-long get-a-way recently. It was a week sans children, medical talk, house work, and for over half of it sans cell phone service (meaning no calls in or out, no texting, and no data for Facebook, Instagram, or even google maps). Let me tell you, it was glorious! We were truly able to be just "us" without any other distractions or even temptations of distraction. 

In a world where we have become all to dependent on our technology it was refreshing to be completely unplugged. It made me realize just how much I don't need all that extra stuff no matter what excuses I make up to convince myself otherwise. I don't need Facebook to stay connected to the outside world, I need to get outside. I don't need Instagram to see what friends are up to, I need to make the time to actually visit them and talk to them. I'm not saying that any of these things are bad or that they should never be used for those purposes, just that I shouldn't rely on then for my main source of interaction and entertainment like I was. 

I have found a new resolve to unplug more often. This week really showed me how much of the world I was missing by looking for it in a screen. Try it yourself. Put your phone away in a bedroom drawer for an entire day. Don't even turn on your TV or computer. I garuntee that you'll be surprised at how much you realize you just don't need it all. I know I was. 

- Clara B.

We knew it was coming...

But that doesn't make it any easier to swallow!

When my husband was interviewing for residencies, almost 3 years ago, he was very interested in things like "rural tracks" and continuity clinics in inner-city situations. Working in smaller towns and "medically-needy" situations is something he is very interested in (to his wife's displeasure). Our current residency program includes that very thing: a rural track, which is a month rotation spent in another town over an hour away from our home. Dr. N has been looking forward to his turn to be out in this small town working in the hospital and clinic there... so throughout the last 2 years we knew it was coming ... and yet it completely snuck up on me! It felt like suddenly I only had a couple weeks' notice that it was coming, and I didn't know how to emotionally prepare myself for the separation.

Since gas is so pricey right now ($3.75 and rising), and because of the length of the drive to this town and back, we decided that Dr. N would only drive home to stay overnight at home once each week. He has to be on mommy-call for some of his time as well, so for those days he can't drive home at all. But we were able to make a plan for the month in order to get a visit in with him every so often. We are now exactly one week into it and ... well, it has been a bit rough! My 2 kiddos and I REALLY miss Daddy being around. We also just came off of a vacation week, so we grew accustomed to him being around and then all of a sudden we had that bandaid ripped off! We didn't quite know how to react!

The kids act out more without their normal routine of seeing Daddy every day or two. 

I feel so overworked by the time their bedtime rolls around. 

"Mean-mommy" comes out of me WAY too often. 

I won't be able to attend tuesday night mutual activities (I am in the Young Women presidency in my church) unless I line up someone from the ward to sit at my house while I go - which is a lot harder to make happen than it sounds, since so many in our tiny ward have a tuesday calling! 

I feel lonely and somewhat forgotten by my friends who don't really understand what I'm going through. I even started bawling when one friend dropped by totally unannounced with an easter activity  for my kids! I so badly needed that reminder that I wasn't forgotten. 

We don't eat as well as when I'm cooking for a man ... we end up doing a lot more "kid friendly" food like quesadillas, grilled cheese, muffins, mac n cheese. Yuck. It's getting old and I'm only one week in! 

However, I have also noticed some "silver linings" to having Dr. N away: 

My house is much cleaner! And STAYS cleaner! I don't even understand why that is, because my man doesn't do any cleaning. I have the same amount of cleaning as I did before, but for some reason I get it done more often. It's a mystery! 

The amount of laundry I'm doing has been cut completely in half, which I am totally loving. Man clothes are so big and heavy... between business-attire, his white coats, ugly green scrubs that are never ending, and his gym clothes, it seems like his clothing alone creates more loads than mine and the kids' put together.

Our grocery bills have been cheaper so far! 

I have my nights all to myself and can watch whatever silly girl movies I want, or sit on the computer (like I am right now) for hours without feeling guilty. 

I know we will make it through this rotation, just like every other one we have encountered. Each new month is a new adventure, and each crappy rotation is a chance for me to learn a new level of independence and strength. As pain-staking as it may be. Someday I'll look back on this month and say "Remember when...??" 

-F. Nightingale

Find (A Professional) Someone To Talk To

I always seem to be traveling and on vacation when I'm meant to post.  I came back home on Wednesday night and promptly remembered on Thursday morning that I was a few days late in posting.  So I figured, what would a few extra days do?  Not too much harm.

This is my thought for the day:  Everyone should see someone at some point.  And by someone, I mean a psychologist (I spelled that correctly all on my own!).  I'm not sure why there was (or is?) a negative attitude towards seeing someone.  It has helped my life tremendously.  I initially started seeing a psychologist when I was in college.  When I moved to be closer to my boyfriend at the time (whom I later married) and then moved across the country for residency, I stopped.  After a year of residency life my husband suggested I start seeing someone again, an idea that I should have considered myself much earlier.

These are my reasonings.

• Everyone has issues.  Everyone has quirks.  Everyone's baselines are not the average baseline.  I knew what some of my quirks were, but I couldn't quite name them all and so they were sometimes hard to live with because they were uncategorized.  Just knowing what my tendencies were helped me to either accept them or to work on improving them.  (Don't forget that some quirks are not things that need to be fixed, but acknowledged and cared for).
• When you get married, you have someone else's quirks to live with.  In my case, my husband is a very different person than I am.  We process things and hold on to things differently.  He doesn't always understand or know how to help.  Talking to someone else (a professional, not just a girl friend) has helped me when my husband isn't sure what to do (though he tries everything he can think of and is so amazing and understanding when he can be and accepting when he can't comprehend my needs.  I love my husband).  
• Speaking of girl friend.  Sometimes the mother/sister/friend you talk to about most issues is actually part of the anxiety in your life and they are exactly the wrong people to talk to.  (I mention anxiety because that's what I struggle with.  Insert your own unique struggle instead).  
• When you are thrown into a new world (of medical school or residency or any medical life), life is hard.  I love that my psychologist is part of the faculty of the residency program my husband is in.  He knows very clearly the kind of life my husband leads and what kind of extra stress and anxiety that can pile on to me.
• It's customizable! To an extent.  Meaning, you can go once or twice to figure out a few things and then work on those, not needing to return for more guidance or help.  You can go weekly, which is where I am at the moment.  Eventually I'm assuming I'll be able to understand myself and prepare myself enough on my own that weekly visits wont be necessary.  Your psychologist may only feel like you need to come in monthly, or whenever you feel you need to figure something out.  You can go alone or with your spouse.
• I don't feel uncomfortable.  I can talk about anything.  If you don't feel comfortable, is it because it's personal things that you're not used to sharing with anyone else?  Or is it because the person in the chair across from you makes you uncomfortable?  If it's the second, look for someone else!  I think of psychologists like teachers.  They have different personalities and approaches to the same problems and yet unlike teachers, if you're not feeling the connection and don't feel like it's the right fit, you can switch.  Transfer out.  If you can't be completely honest with them it's going to be a lot harder for them to help you.
• It's easy to lose perspective.  I doubted myself a lot when I got married and we moved into the residency program.  I was the youngest spouse by a few years and one of the few without children.  Many other spouses/significant others had been together long enough to know a lot about medicine and what their resident was going through (many are actually also involved in the medical field somehow).  I also grew up in a large city and am now living in a small town close by where most residents and their spouses grew up or have family.  I didn't know where I fit in and how to be confident in who I was and what I did and didn't know or like.  I have so much more confidence and perspective now.

I think it's so helpful to be able to talk to someone about everything you're struggling with and for me, it has helped me to strengthen myself so that I don't struggle as much.  That is a great thing, I think, especially for a resident's spouse, and I'm also pretty sure that's the point of seeing a psychologist anyway.  To help you accept who you are and strengthen yourself to be able to live a happy, beautiful, productive life no matter what crazy, horrible, unexpected, unfortunate things are thrown your way.  So think about it.  I highly recommend it.  For anyone.  Everyone, really.  

My favorite thing that I've been learning is to know and trust in myself.  (It was hard when I realized I didn't trust myself.  Slightly terrifying, actually.  It's a new work in progress).  My wants, my dislikes, my capabilities, my knowledge, my self worth, my intellect, my strength, my fears, my dreams, and knowing how to act on those and not on anything that anyone else is saying.  Being true to myself and making sure that I am happy and I am nourished in the ways I need to be (getting in all my creative things, taking time for myself, saying no when people ask things of me) makes me so much more able to take on the hard things that I have no control over (hint back to a month of night float).  

Trust in yourself.  Nourish yourself.  Make sure your decisions are in your best emotional/physical/spiritual/intellectual interest.  That will make life better for everyone around you.

It makes life a lot better for my husband.

And I love my husband.

-Rachel C.

Love and Marriage

Marriage is hard. Period. It doesn't matter who you are, where you live, what occupations you and/or your spouse are in, it's just hard. It may be that difficulties arise often or only on occasion, but every marriage takes work. As with the rest of our lives, medical school/residency/fellowship/being a doctor complicates things. Marriage takes time and effort. That time can be extra hard to come by and (at least in my case) the effort needing extra devotion when in the medical world. 

I have found it all to easy to put nurturing our marital relationship on the back burner. Between crazy work hours, family time, personal time, friends, church callings, and the many other activities that occupy our lives it sometimes seems selfish of me to require time for just me and my man. I find myself feeling guilty that I want to just sit and talk for a long while when I know my husband is exhausted from a long days work. It's easier for both of us to exchange a few words (usually about the schedule for the upcoming days and weeks) and then turn to our various ways of winding down for the night (i.e. shower, Facebook, TV shows, book reading. AKA "me time). Yet, every time I find ourselves in this ritual of marital funk I notice that the other aspects of our lives suffer. Dr. Barton is more stressed at work (is that even possible in residency? Yes. Yes it is), my patience with my girls is minimal, I have less motivation to stay on top of household chores, my kids become more whiny and all-around difficult, basically our lives start to become a mess. Unsurprisingly, when we devote more time to our marriage everything else starts to fall back into place. 

So how do you find that balance and make time for your marriage when your spouse is averaging 80+ hour work weeks? Here are a few ideas that I have found make a difference. 

Try to find some unusual way to serve your spouse each day. Order a pizza to be delivered to the hospital when he's working a late shift, leave him a note in his car, slip a special treat into his white coat pocket. It doesn't have to be big, but it does have to be something out of the ordinary. 

Make time to sit down and talk about things other than schedules, work, and kids. When Dr. Barton and I were dating we would talk on the phone for 3-4 hours every night. Now I honestly don't know how we found that much to talk about. It's certainly a lot easier when you are still learning so much about each other. The thing is, that while I know my husband really well there are still things I don't know! You can always find a childhood story you haven't heard, a pet peeve that you somehow didn't yet know about, a new fear that has developed, or a dream that has evolved. Humans are not stagnant beings; relationships are not static entities. There will always be something new to discover, although it may take some digging. 

(note: after almost five years of marriage I learned today that I had no idea what my husband's favorite ice cream flavor was. How does that even happen?! I guess it's because he's a sweet heart and always buys my favorite instead. Like I said, there always something new to discover.) 

Take time to be just "Us." I don't mean the time you spend snuggling in bed after the kids are asleep. While that is fantastic and definitely needed, I'm talking about time away from everything else. This could happen in the form of a date night, a weekend get away, or a "Mom and Dad" only vacation. Dr. Barton and I have been fortunate this year and last year to do the latter. Even though our time away last year was slightly dampened by illness (both with the kids at home and with is in vacation) and a few urgent care visits, we were STILL able to reconnect as husband and wife. Dr. Barton and I plan on making such trips a yearly occurrence. They won't always be extravagant or long, but we have decided that it is pivotal to the health of our relationship to take that time away from everything else and focus on "us."

Lastly, go to the temple together. This is something that Dr. Barton and I have failed at miserably since starting residency. With the nearest temple being 45 minutes away (I know, it could be SO much worse), we have found it difficult to make the time. Having to hire/find a babysitter for 4 hours certainly doesn't help. The bottom line is that we just haven't made it a high enough priority and that the afore mentioned are really just lame excuses. When you MAKE time to go to the temple together you WILL see the blessings in your marriage, home, and everyday lives. 

- Clara B. 

Find Your Beat and March to It

It's been a while since I've darkened the doorway here at Hippocrates Housewives, and what I'm about to say isn't revelatory or heavy in any way. In fact, I would wager that you've all heard or read it before. But it's sort of where we are with life, and that has to count for something, right?

Anyway...

My husband’s match day is in a couple of weeks. Friends of ours had theirs last month. Basically, the transition into residency is all we talk/think about these days. I’m not entirely sure what to expect, but if the posts by the other ladies on this blog are any indication, it isn’t for the faint of heart. To be honest, I’m getting a little nervous. I feel like we’ve just completed a marathon only to turn around and run back. Medical school is tough. And for those of us married to students, learning to juggle crazy schedules and absent spouses has turned into a work of art. We’ve finally found our balance and in a few short months, we’ll have lost our footing all over again.

My searches on the topic have been fruitful. There is a ton of info out there on surviving residency. And it’s all about the same. Seriously. Find time for yourself, focus on the future, stay positive, find what works for you, etc. All sound advice. I get the feeling, though, that it’s easier said than done and even then, a bit different for everyone. That’s probably where the “find what works for you” bit comes in. And it totally applies to medical school, too.

We made family dinner a priority and regardless of whether or not my husband had a test, we ate together and spent at least an hour afterwards just hanging out. Saturday mornings were our “lazy time”. No school, no studying. A friend mentioned her husband didn’t study on Sundays. That was their time to focus on family and got them through the late nights and early mornings throughout the week. We did what worked for us, they did what worked for them. It’s all about figuring out what works for you and what doesn’t. Family life doesn't have to suffer because of medical school, and grades don't need to take a hit to make room for more family time. It's possible to have both. You just have to find your own way of getting there.

I’ve mentioned before that my husband is about to graduate from medical school. There have been times when it’s seemed like the longest road in history. But now looking back, I can safely say it’s flown by. I’m wondering where the time went. And I know the feeling is different when you’re just starting out, or even half way through. I’ve been there. I’ve felt it. But for those of you who are wondering when you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel, do something really cliche and stop and smell the roses. Enjoy the journey. Find your balance in this crazy life, and run with it. It’ll make a huge difference.

And on those days when you're super depressed, just go ahead and eat cake for breakfast. You are, after all, an adult. Act like one.

-m. quinn

Nights Are Hard

Some of you may read this and think I've got it rough.  Others may say "ppfft, that's nothing" and a few of you may be right with me.  And you'll all be right.

Nights are hard.

My husband is halfway through a month of Medicine night shifts, meaning 2 weeks in, 2 weeks left.  When he's gone at night I put off sleeping as long as I can because I don't like facing a half empty bed.  He keeps his sleeping schedule on the weekends, even though he's not working.  So he still doesn't go to bed with me, though at least then I know he's close and he'll join me in the morning (since I'm sleeping in late because I stay up to have more time with him).  

I hate not seeing him.  We're super lucky when we have more than an hour a day to be together, and that time is usually spent cooking and eating or preparing one of us to rush out the door.  I've started writing a physical list of things I want to talk to him about, things I want to show him, questions to ask, schedule changes or appointments to remind him about.  So the hour of time together turns into a quick de-briefing on my upcoming hours/days and the attempt at getting all the other information to/from him.  79 hour work weeks (in 5 days) and trying to get enough sleep to be on point the next night does not give much time for wife.

In a previous article, I wrote about how blessed I was to be able to go visit my husband in the hospital since my schedule is quite flexible (with nothing mandatory starting earlier than 11 each day) and the helpful fact that I have no children at home to stay home for.  However timing definitely hasn't been on our side lately and every time I become available, he seems to be bombarded with admits or other work.  When I have made it out to him, twice it's been after midnight, and because I stayed up hoping I could see him, it messed with my sleep, and quite often he has to either leave during it for an unknown period of time or he is busy working on charts and paperwork, so it turns into me staying just to be in the same room as him (until he gets pulled away).

I know my husband is a doctor.  I know this is his job.  I know residency is crazier than afterwards.  I know that he is helping people when he's not with me.  I know.  And I know that it's hard for me.  

He's been on nights before, but I realized that last time he started nights when I started taking 3 classes at school.  We were living in another resident's basement looking for a new rental.   We ended up finding one through family and friends.  So the next few weeks were focused on school and unpacking our house.  I think everything was just hard at that point, but I also had the company of our resident friends and their children.  Now it's just nights and I'm realizing that without a house to unpack or 3 classes worth of homework to get done and no one else in the same house as me, I miss my husband.  Because I love him and he's my family.  

Nights are hard.  

Habits/schedules are messed up.  Scripture reading and family prayer are thrown out of whack.  Important conversations are put on hold or have to be interrupted.  Fuses are shorter because we're both more tired.  And I miss snuggling with him.

And it'll be over in 2 weeks!!!!!  I can make it.  It just wont be the best two weeks of my life.  And I can live with that.

Rachel C. 

The Olympics Make Me Cry

I've never been much of a crier. I wasn't one of those girls who sobbed during The Notebook and I can't cry on command when I get pulled over. But my kids ruined me. Sappy commercial? Tears. Goose honking after the flock that passed by five minutes ago? Bawling. Watching Mulan finally reach the arrow at the top of the huge pole? Crying with pride.

The Winter Olympics have started and I've already gone through two boxes of tissues. I love (and by love I mean have the TV on all day and even like watching curling kind of love) the Winter Olympics. The Summer stuff is super cool too, but I just don't get quite as into it (although I also have the TV on all day during the summer games too). Anywho.... I am about to be bombarded with stories of triumph and failure, rough pasts and amazing futures, proud parents and disappointed athletes. And don't even get me started on those P&G mom commercials. Basically I'll be spending the next couple weeks with a pruny face from all the crying. And I'm going to love every minute of it.

- Clara B. 

Remember Who You Are

There were many times growing up that as I ran out the door to meet friends or headed into school from the car that my parents would imploring yell, "remember who you are and what you stand for!" Most of the time their reminder would cause my teenage eyes to roll so hard I almost saw the back of my skull, but their words stuck with me anyway. As most teenagers do, I did lose myself for a time and disregarded the standards I once held (and mostly pretended to still hold). Those were some of the most miserable and difficult times of my life. It's hard not knowing who you really are. It's disappointing not living to the standard you once held yourself to. And honestly, it's not much easier now than it was in my high school days.

It's easy to lose your personal identity once you're married, have kids, and are sucked into the world of medicine. You suddenly become wife, mommy, and the doctor's spouse. So much of your time is involved with making everyone else's life function that you start to disappear. I know, I've been there. I've been in the conversation where someone asks you what you do and all you can answer is what your husband and kids do. You're asked about what your free time looks like and you stare blankly either because you don't remember what the words "free time" mean or because you're too embarrassed to answer, "watch The Biggest Loser while stuffing my face with junk food." So, for the intent of this post I'm going to change my parents' saying to "remember who you are and what you strive for." 

You are important. Yes, you are important in your role as wife, mother, supporter, friend, and all other roles that you play; but I mean you, just you, is important. When you lose yourself in everything else that you are, it's easy to fall into the pits of loneliness, depression, boredom, self-doubt, self-deprication, and a myriad of other destructive places. I know, I've been there too. I have found it crucial to the existence of "just me" to sit down every few months or so and evaluate my life, to figure out what it is I am doing, where I want to go, who I am, and who I want to be. 

Do things for yourself. I know this is something I hear all the time as a mother. I can't count the number of times I've heard, "you can't help others until you help yourself." I've been told that I should take the time to eat my favorite treat all by myself, without having to share with little mouths. I've heard that I should take the time to get a massage or manicure. Those small moments can be an absolute God send, but I bet you can do even more. You deserve more than just a few fleeting moments. Do you have a dream to finish school? Take classes. Remember that book everyone was raving about that you just never had time for? Read it. Have you always wanted to learn how to take amazing pictures? Find a friend who can teach you how. Don't completely lose your dreams and stunt your personal growth by forgetting how important you are. 

I've found that what works best for me is to set a monthly goal. If by the end of that month I've accomplished that goal to my satisfaction then I'll make a new goal for the next month; if I feel like it still needs time and attention I'll give it another month and then reevaluate again. For example: I have always wanted to learn how to make amazing pies. Yes, it's the total 50's housewife stereotype, but I wanted to do it none-the-less. I found a friend of mine who is a total Betty Crocker and asked her if she would show me how. She was thrilled with the idea and we made an afternoon of baking, having fun, and getting to know each other a little better. I'm not quite ready to bake an amazing pie for Thanksgiving dinner, but I've learned enough that I can work on my skills at home by myself. While this wasn't something huge like finishing medical school, it was fulfilling and important to me. In a career where my husband is constantly learning and growing it's easy for me to feel left behind. I need to find ways to push myself so that I can grow with him, even if I'm constructing baked goods while he reconstructs a human body. 

Find a system that works for you. Maybe a new goal a month is that extra scoop that you just can't finish on your plate. That's okay. Just make sure you find a way to take care of yourself. I beg of you: remember who YOU are and what you STRIVE for! 

- Clara B. 

A Round-less Weekend

This weekend consisted of 3 days in the great outdoors (with warm cabins to eat and sleep in comfortably) with a group of people that would not naturally congregate together in such close quarters.  It was a residency retreat, intended to gather the residents (1st years being the target audience) and attendings together for a mixing and mingling and I thought it was amazing.  Let me be slightly more specific.  It was intended to gather the resident and attending FAMILIES together.  And I still thought it was amazing.  We were one of just 3 non-intern families to join the party and afterwards I was saddened by what the other 11 families missed out on.  These types of retreats are rare (twice a year for us, which is not very often) and really important, I think, to being in a residency.  

 I've already talked about how I don't really know what goes on in a day in the life of my husband.  Which means at most gatherings, like the annual Christmas party, I have very little to say to a lot of the other residents and even less to the attendings and specialists that are there.  In 3 days surrounded by doctors, however, I heard 0 talk about medical things.  I don't even remember anyone asking what rotation anyone else was on.  I talked to attendings significant others, whom I had never met before, and we learned about each other and heard all about what the doctors are like outside of the clinic and hospital.  I found out one of the attendings is a cross country ski racer, so he gave us a little lesson on the basics of skiing (since that was the main form of entertainment where we were) and I now have a subject that I know a little bit about (thanks to his teaching) that we can talk about that isn't medicine.  

It felt like a great gathering of distant cousins who knew of each other and knew about each other to varying degrees, but spent three days getting to know each other and experienced things together, built memories and relationships that can grow in the future, though it may be 3 months before I see them again.  I'm not sure if all residencies are as interested in building a community within residents and attendings, but I think it's really important to think of everyone my husband works with and all their families as extended family.  They all know what residency life is like, but we all have lives outside of the hospital (yep, even interns have side hobbies, or at least stories of when they did have time for hobbies!) and those are the things that are important to learn so that we can be more of a family and feel more of that support and have more of those friendships (or acquaintances) to help us through and to make the time more enjoyable.  

It was different to be able to spend time with whole families, as opposed to hanging out with the spouse and children of a resident.  I got to get to know the people my husband works with and he got to know their families.  

Though we are resident's wives, I believe we need that connection to people who understand what we are going through and therefore don't need to talk about it.  Explaining to a friend or acquaintance what it means to be in a residency doesn't make them understand.  Not having to explain it or talk about it for a weekend was really great, to be supported by people who knew what our lives really were like because they've all done it and are seeing us go through it now, we can just be families or wives or children, not resident families or resident wives.  I momentarily forgot the craziness of residency life.  And it was great.

I love my husband...

...the great cross country skier

-Rachel C.

Finances: 5 Ways to Avoid Extra Debt in Residency (or anytime!)

Nobody likes talking about money. In particular, nobody likes to talk about their own money problems. It's personal! And a pretty sensitive subject... But I'm going to be honest here in hopes that it helps someone out there!

My husband makes about $52,000 a year as a resident. Once taxes, health insurance, and our tithing (for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) is taken out of that, then we live off of about $34,000. With a family of 4, we don't have too many expenses besides the usual bills. We don't have any credit card debt and aren't paying back any student loans yet. We are renting a very affordable home, don't have any government help (i.e. WIC or food stamps), own one car and have a low car payment on the other. We have made a huge effort from the beginning of residency to live within our means and always keep our expenses less than what my man brings in bi-weekly. 

As you can imagine, and if any of you are living with the same kind of salary, you'll know it can be extremely difficult some days. Don't get me wrong... My family is so very blessed with enough food to eat, clothes to wear, toys to play with, cars to drive, heat, electricity, cell phones, and a computer. All of our basic needs are met, PLUS some. I am so very grateful for those things every day. But that's about all there is every month. We don't have anything left over for savings, traveling, eating out at restaurants, buying christmas or birthday gifts (even small things) for family and friends. We only fly to visit our families once a year, and even then we use flight points that we have saved up for the entire year! More than once during residency, our bank account in between paychecks has been as low as $50. It's scary, and nerve-racking, and frustrating!

So... even though I'm not giving you tips for "How to feel rich during Residency" ... I think I have some good points here that may help some of you survive without getting into more debt.

1. Stick to your budget! [Cash Envelopes]

If you have a great way of keeping yourself ON TRACK with a budget, then stick with it! If what you're using now isn't keeping you on track, try something else! 

We have been using the "cash envelope" budgeting technique ever since medical school. It is the BEST way I have found to keep us on track when it comes to everything besides the set-in-stone bills each month. It not only keeps me from over-spending in groceries or clothes for the kids, etc... but it also helps me feel like I'm not going to go CRAZY feeling poor. It helps me feel like I'm in control of what money we have that month instead of "assuming" what money we have used. When you pull your debit or credit card out for everything, it's harder to keep track of where dollar is actually going. It's important to write a whole list of what you spend your money on. Catergories like: diapers, groceries, "other" grocery items (toiletries, TP, saran wrap, etc), oil changes for the cars, haircuts, a little fun money for each person, and so on. Know EXACTLY (to the dollar) how much money comes in, and figure out exactly how much goes out. Then you can easily cut back in areas that need it.

Then STICK. TO. IT. 

You can do it. :)

2. Throw in some fun: "Friday Night Pizza Picnic"

I don't know about you, but if I don't have a little bit of money to feel "free" with, I start to go completely crazy. I have found that if I can get out with my family every so often, and do something fun together, then I don't feel as bogged down overall.

We have decided that as a family we have $20 of "fun money" to spend together each month. That is enough for all of us to see a movie at a cheap theater, or eat out together at Chick Fil A, or get some ice cream or treats once or twice that month. Since it isn't much, we decided that we would start "friday night pizza picnic" night. My kids look forward to it all week! I make us homemade pizza for dinner and we put on a disney movie while the kids sit on a blanket and have a "pizza picnic". I could order pizza and make it less work for myself... but why spend the money? Why not spend an hour making it from scratch and instead of going OUT for some entertainment, we can stay in for free! Redbox is a great help on those nights as well. :)

3. Enjoy being home

Realize that every time you leave the house it costs you money. Whether it's in gas, stopping for a snack or treat, finding things you just "have to have" in the DollarSpot at Target... 

I have so many friends who claim they just can't stay inside all day. Their kids get stir-crazy... The moms need to get out... Everyone wakes up with the attitude of "Where are we going today?" I do admit I have days like that every so often... but most of the time my kids and I actually enjoy being home. We have time to play together, time to relax, time for a PBS show or two, lower stress levels, I have time to make dinner for my family without scrambling or cutting corners in meal-planning, and my kids have learned to self-entertain when I have projects to work on.

 Find indoor activities and activities to do with your kids. Search pinterest for easy/fun ideas (there are TONS!). Borrow movies from friends. Make a fort!

4. Memberships and free activities

-Get a library card and use it often!

-Get a zoo pass. This gives you a place to go multiple times a month if you need to get out but have no money to play with. Even better: We were gifted a year family pass by my parents... Maybe ask for one for Christmas from parents/grandparents?

I have also discovered that if you are on medicaid, you are eligible to special prices at places like zoos and other family establishments. Look into it!

-Get a pass to a kids' play place or discovery museum.

-Find out when your local Barnes and Noble has reading time. You don't need a membership for this.

-Do some exploring in your area and find out where the parks, walking trails, ponds (to feed ducks), and other outdoor sight-seeing locations are.

5. Moonlighting shifts

Some residency programs allow their residents to take on extra shifts in the hospital whenever they have spaces to fill. Usually it's in the NICU or PICU and it's mostly 12-hour night shifts on the weekends. These can pay anywhere from $700-$1000 (based on my husband's program) per shift which, as you know, is a HUGE amount of money. Find out if it's an option in your man's program. They can be hard to snag with all the other residents going after a few of these shifts per month, but they're a big help if you can get them.

I hope this lists help you bare the financial frustrations that come with residency. Hang in there! You can do this and it doesn't last forever. :)

-F. Nightingale