Changing Traditions

Thanksgiving is nigh upon us and as usual with holidays, many traditions come to mind.  And then they quickly leave.  Well, some of them, at least.  My husband and I spent all sorts of time talking about our family traditions growing up, which ones we really cared about, which ones we had different ideas about.  Some were new, but favorites (like going to an amazing French restaurant for Christmas Eve), others had been around forever (like having to wait until a certain time on Christmas morning before we could go downstairs and only open our stockings, and then wait even longer before we could wake everyone else up to come open presents).  Some weren't really traditions, but just how we always did them (like my family never traveled for Thanksgiving and we always had people over who had no family to celebrate with or who couldn't travel home.)

In residency, however, it sometimes didn't matter what our traditions were because we were restricted by the rotation and schedule of that week.  Our new Thanksgiving tradition is to go to Thanksgiving dinner with friends on Thursday, and then have a family meal (whether turkey or not) on the following Saturday when my husband has always had time off to travel or have guests.  

Last year, husband worked Christmas Eve and Christmas Night, so we had Christmas in the morning.  This year, we are traveling for Christmas (something I've never done), since we have almost 2 weeks we're heading to both parents on opposite sides of the country.  Never something I had planned on doing, but that's when we had time off and so that's when we'll travel.  

There's a level of flexibility that we've achieved and we were fortunate enough to have married as residency began so we didn't have any set traditions with the two of us.  That doesn't mean I don't have ideas of how I want certain holidays to go, but I've learned very quickly that it's easier to be flexible and dream of traditions for future days when there's slightly more control (and when my husband's practice can be closed and we can have a 99% chance of an uninterrupted family gathering).  

I think traditions are very important in a family.  They are something to look forward to, they unite the family in repeating activities and events that we all enjoy, and they bring a calm that happens when you know exactly what your plans will be - no surprises.  But I've realized that even more important than traditions is making sure that everything that is important in your life is shared with each other, whether on the day that everyone else celebrates it or not.  So yes, we'll celebrate Thanksgiving with family on Saturday and without turkey.  But we'll be with family.  And we'll celebrate Christmas twice this year, once on December 25th with my husband's family, and once again the following week with my family.  We'll change our Christmas Eve lunch to New Years Eve and it will be just as delicious and so much fun because our family will be together.  

Don't feel too sad about a tradition that has to change.  It might take a few years before you can start it up again.  Instead, focus on your family and the time you get to spend with them (even if it's limited, cherish it).  Be grateful for every moment.  

I love my husband...

...when we're stuffing our faces full of good food, together.

-Rachel C. 

A Road Trip to Interviews

My husband and I have been on exactly two childless vacations.  Both were calm, relaxed, and enormous amounts of fun.  Five years and a couple kids later I find myself staring at him from the passenger seat wishing I had a wrench or something to throw at his head.

We just got home from a 3000 mile, parenting obstacle course, "family vacation" road trip.  We embarked on this journey after my husband had the brilliant idea to apply for residencies in the cities where both his brother and my brother live.  He then scheduled his interviews to coincide so we could spend a little time with their families.  Great idea and I was completely on board.  Until we actually buckled in and hit the road.

About 4 hours in I looked at my husband who was calmly driving, completely unphased by the constant whining and countless amount of questions erupting from the backseat.  And I get it.  Here are our kids, reclining in their safety approved seats equipped with more cupholders than our car, an iPad, two iPods, 37 DVDs, a bag of crappy toys, books, and all the gummies in the world.  It's awful.  When I was a kid the only people who had DVD players in their cars were drug dealers and the kid from Blank Check.  Somehow I managed to survive riding in the car.  And more importantly, my parents came out the other end completely sane.  I can't say the same for me.  I'm still a little numb, to tell you the truth.

My husband, on the other hand, is completely satisfied and happy with the trip.  He got to spend a lot more time with his family, something that is a little bit of a rarity while in medical school.  His interviews went really well and the idea of our future is slowly becoming a reality.  His hard work is paying off.  I'm sure the second his wife starts pulling out her hair or downing Xanax like Smarties he'll feel differently, but for the time being he is glad we were with him for this.

And really, I am too.  In those few hours while our kids slept in the car we got to talk about the programs, go over possible interview questions, and stare at the miles and miles of farms in western Kansas.  While my nerves were wearing dangerously thin, having us there helped calm his. 

We won't be going with him to any more interviews.  That ship has definitely sailed.  But if your spouse is anything like mine, they're going to be a little nervous every time they suit up and head off to make a great impression.  Whatever kind of support you can offer is going to help.  Maybe help book their flights, pack their bag, send a quick text or phone call the morning before the interview.  If they need affirmation, provide it.  If they want you to go with them, well...good luck!

-M. Quinn

Childless Living: A(n Un)Persuasive Essay, by Rachel C. - Grade 19

A few weeks ago I was snuggling with my husband on the staff room couch, watching television and snacking on some treats I had brought for him for his night shift.  It was late, 10, 11ish.  Another resident came in and was instantly extremely jealous of our PDA.  He mentioned how he'd love to have his wife come visit him, but they'd have to get a babysitter to watch their three kids.  I felt a little guilty and sad (though I didn't stop snuggling with my husband).  I decided later that night that it would be smart for residents to live in some sort of communal housing.  It would help us all get to know each other better and become close with the other spouses and residents outside of work and official residency planned activities.  It would also provide the opportunity that the other resident (and his wife) doesn't have right now: a little bit of free time.  Communal housing makes for easy access to live-in babysitters to rotate through.  I know it won't happen, or at least not in a time frame where it will apply to me, but it added to some of my recent thoughts; mainly, the pro and con (just one of each!) of being a childless resident couple.

I like starting with bad news first so I can finish strong with the good.  Therefore, I present to you the con of being childless...

It's really one point.  At the beginning of our first year, one of the 3rd year spouses told us what I thought was great advice - "Plan your days like your spouse can't be there, then when they can't make it, it's not a disappointment.  Or if they end up coming, it's a great day".  I liked that idea a lot.  For me, it mostly applied in terms of when he was coming home, and to never expect him at a certain time.  It definitely helped in those first few months.  But there wasn't much else I could apply it to, and here's why.  We are a family of 2.  When you take away one of us, it leaves one.  That's not a family.  That's a lone person.  When I'm planning a nice family meal, if he can't make it, it's a lonely meal.  Trying to set up family home evening (a weekly family gathering where we have a spiritual lesson, activity, singing and usually treats to end it all), if he's not there, it's personal scripture/Bible study and sudoku on my phone for the activity.  When he's not there, it's no longer a family activity.  It becomes me on my own, doing things (and being ok doing them alone), but it's not family night, and it's not family dinner.  Not having kids means I'm alone if he's not there.  With kids, I could still hold family home evening, have the activity and games, sing with other people, not say all the prayers myself.  There'd be kids to talk to at dinner, days to hear about, people to bond with, helping hands for preparing and cleaning up.  But my husband is my entire family.  I depend on him and without him I am alone.  I think the hardest time I have being a family of 1 is at church.  The congregation I attend is lovely and I know people and I sit near people and I talk with people.  But my husband and I are very guilty of cozying up in church and to sit on those benches in Sacrament meeting (our hour long weekly worship service) and in Sunday School is very lonely without a family to cozy up to.  

But let's move on to happier things, shall we?

Once again it's mainly one point...flexibility.  Though I do have classes and homework and practicing and teaching to do, the only schedules I have to align are mine and my husband's.  No soccer or band or play dates or nap times to work around.  As mentioned earlier, my husband was on nights, I had my night free, I brought him snacks and stuck around for an hour or two.  I knit a scarf when keeping him company on an OB night shift.  We can meet up for lunch with 5 minutes notice because I don't need 20 minutes to wrangle the kids into shoes and jackets and the car.  The only melt downs I have to deal with are my own, and they're getting shorter ;)  I can sit for an hour as I wait for him to have 3 minutes to grab 5 bites with me when he's in the ER and I don't have to try to entertain children in the common waiting room and then explain to them why daddy can't stay longer.  When he's running late, I can hold dinner off.  I can plan to eat at 6 with him one night and 9 the next because that's his schedule.  I don't have kids that need to have dinner so they can go to sleep, or that need a full meal instead of cheese and crackers.  I can stay up late to wait for him when he gets off at midnight for a week and I don't have to be up at 6 or 7 getting kids ready for school.  I can make my schedule work around his.

Please don't think I dislike children.  We are so excited at the prospect of being parents someday, whether during residency, a possible fellowship, or beyond, that's not altogether in our hands.  I am just recognizing the blessings of time and opportunity that we have because we don't have children at this stage in our lives and we are taking advantage of those blessings while we can.  That's really where the focus is, taking advantage of every opportunity to be together, to grow, to share, to bond with each other.  We'll do it when we have children as well, but I believe (based on what parents have told me) that it's easier now.  So whether you're alone or have 5 kids to love and adore, take advantage of the time when the doctor's in the house or has a spare moment.  As President Uchtdorf said - "In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e"

I love my husband mostest...

...when we're snuggling the closest

-Rachel C.