Your Dr Husband walks through the door after a ridiculously long twenty-hour shift. He looks drained physically and emotionally. After changing his clothes he plops down on the bed and breaks down in tears. What do you do? How do you help him when you don't even really understand what it is he is going through?
That was me. Those were my thoughts. It was his second day of residency and he had already worked thirty-six hours. I didn't even think that was legal (turns out that hour limit is actually averaged over a month... and people don't really follow it anyway). He was on his surgery rotation. He hates surgery, even in medical school he hated surgery. So not only was he on his least favorite rotation, but it turns out that first week was the worst the hospital had seen in years. His very first day a foreign family was brought in from a car accident. Five of them, a grandmother and grandfather, mom and dad, and fourteen year old boy, none of which spoke English. Although all five were seen by the surgeons, the grandmother and the boy were in the only ones in critical condition. After some tests, Dr. Barton was concerned that something was terribly wrong with the grandmother as she couldn't feel anything below her shoulders. He took his concerns to his attending, but was told it was just from shock.
Day two of residency. Dr. Barton arrives at the hospital for rounds and the boy starts crashing shortly after. They take him in to emergency surgery where they had to remove half of his bowels only to find that there was nothing else they could do there. They had to life flight him, still open from surgery, to a more specialized hospital two hours away. Not long after that ordeal, a new attending was assigned to the grandmother's case as the first one was going on vacation. The new attending looked at Dr. Barton's notes and performed the same tests. He too was concerned so he called the neuro surgeon (who had cleared the patient the previous day) and had it confirmed that she also needed emergency surgery. It turned out that her spinal cord had been swelling the entire time. Dr. Barton had been right, but nobody listened to him. How does a doctor who has been practicing for over thirty years and an experienced neuro surgeon miss something a first day resident recognizes? How, as a first day resident, do you tell your well-practiced superiors that they're wrong? On top of all this, Dr. Barton had to tell her that because they hadn't caught the problem earlier, that she would be permanently paralyzed. He was devastated, frustrated, and demoralized and I didn't know how to help him. I mean, this kind of stuff only happens on TV. If we were living in Grey's Anatomy then I would know what to do: grab some alcohol and dance it out. But this isn't a TV show, and we don't drink alcohol, and Dr. Barton didn't seem like he wanted to dance anything out. So what can you do? When your husband comes home beat mentally, physically, and emotionally what options do you have in supporting him?
Warning: what you are about to read will likely infuriate you if you consider yourself a feminist. But honestly, just our blog title alone probably would have deterred you before you even made it to the actual content. (Here's a hint for you, it's meant to be kind of
ironic.
not quite the word I'm looking for....) I have always had a hard time with gender stereo types. My parents always made sure we knew that the only thing that really made girls different than boys were our body parts. While my mom was a stay-at-home-mother for my early years, she returned to work and school when I was thirteen and my youngest sibling was three. My dad became the stay-at-home/self-employed parent. My mom didn't craft, wasn't into make-up, and never did our hair. My dad made our Halloween costumes, tended to the children, and taught me how to cook. In our religion this was not the norm, but I liked it.
Before my husband and I were married we had many
strong discussions... okay fine, arguments, about what my eventual role as wife and mother would be. I envisioned myself more like my mother, working in a job outside of the home, and he hoped I would be like his, staying at home even when her own children were all in school (and moved out). He supported me finishing school, but then he pictured me staying at home all Suzy Homemaker like raising children and enjoying housework. Well, I also saw myself raising children, but once they were old enough to be in school I wanted to start teaching... and I hate housework. To be completely honest with you, four years and two kids later things haven't really changed. I still hate housework and would love to one day teach, and he's still holding out hope that I'll be home to make lunch for our kids and their friends when they're in high school. HOWEVER, I have come to realize that for now, in the time of life and situation we are in, the best way I can help my children, my husband, and yes, even myself, is to embrace that Suzy Homemaker roll to the best of my ability. These are the things I found help my man the most (in no particular order).
1 - Don't dump things on him as soon as he arrives home.
I know it's been a long day with the kids and you just need a few minutes to go to the bathroom without little people screaming and pushing those chubby little hands under the door. I know you want to tell him all about your day. I know there's that honey-do-list that has been put off again and again. It's hard, but give him time to decompress, away from the chaos of lovely children, not having to pay attention to anyone but himself. If it's been too hard of a day for you and you can't manage that, give him a warning before he comes home. There have been quite a few times I've sent a text saying something along the lines of, "two year old melt down, eighteen month old teething with all four molars, mommy PMSing and about to lose it. Take time to yourself before you come home cause I need you all here once you come home." Most of the time he comes home right away ready to help because he knows I need it, but on occasion he's taken a few minutes to either just drive around or grab a special treat for himself because after a crazy day he isn't quite ready for a crazy house.
2 - Try to provide a decently clean, clutter free home environment.
I have found that not only are my husband and children more at ease when the home is
relatively tidy, but I am too. As mentioned before, I hate housework with a passion so this one is a toughie for me. However, in talking to some other resident wives we found this to be a common denominator, our husbands are happier when the little time they have at home is spent in a clean home. This makes things just a little bit easier for me. I know that when my man has come home from a stressful day at work, a cluttered/messy house just adds to his stress. Often times this leads to him cleaning up in anger (think pots clanging a little louder than should, cupboards closing a little harder than normal, and that teddy bear he keeps tripping over being tossed across the room) which leads to me becoming defensive and territorial. Maybe these are just some of personality flaws and not a problem that most people have, but a messy home + hard day = contention in the Barton family.
3 - Have nice meals on a regular basis.
This is another one I really struggle with. I used to love cooking, it was relaxing and completely enjoyable, but once I was married and had a real adult life with school, a job, and eventually kids, it became more of a chore. It's so much easier to throw that box of mac and cheese into a pot and call it good, especially now that Dr. Barton is regularly not home for dinner time. Now, when I say have a
nice meal I don't mean a candle lit table with four courses (although that might be fun every once in a while), I mean more than those frozen Dino-nuggets from Costco and microwaved peas. I have found that when I get in these cooking slumps it adds strain to the family. Yes, it's not easy, but make the time to have a real meal (even if Dr. Husband will be reheating it whenever he actually comes home).
4 - Let him take time for himself.
You know how you crave that girls night out after a long day with the kids? Well he does too.... just with guys instead. It's tough when you don't see him often to be okay with him taking the time he could be spending with you away, I know, but it is oh so very important for him. He doesn't have to go in to work until the afternoon? Maybe suggest he and a buddy go golfing. A new man-movie just came out and he happens to have the next day off? Let him go with his friends. I promise that when you see him de-stressed and happy it will pay off. Plus, I'm sure he'll recognize and appreciate what you're doing for him and *hopefully* re-pay you later...
5 - Send him encouraging messages throughout the day.
We all like receiving little notes of affirmation and affection and it's especially important when you are spending so much time apart. Hide little notes in places like his white coat pocket. Send him random texts letting him know how grateful you are for all his hard work. One time I set reminders on his phone to go off every three hours with different little love notes on a day I knew was going to be particularly tough for him. Whatever way you do it, let him know that you are proud of him, appreciate him, and love him oh so very much.
6 - Surprise him with a special treat.
There have been a few times when I have had a little something special for him when he comes home. Most of the time it's something small, like his favorite kind of donuts, but sometimes it's nice to do something a little more. I'll leave that up to your imagination.
It's also nice to surprise him with something at work. This is something I like to do for him and the nurses he works with particularly when working holidays. For example: on Independence Day my littles and I made "firecracker cookies" using pop rocks as sprinkles and delivered them to the floor he was working that day; Halloween night we made cupcakes with black and orange sprinkles and cute little Halloween flags on them and brought them to the OB floor in our costumes. I figure that since they (our husbands and their nurses) are giving up the time and fun with their friends and families, we can bring at least a little bit of the fun to them. It helps make everyone happier!
7 - Make sure you listen to him, even if you don't fully understand what he's talking about.
No, I don't know what it's like to deliver a baby through emergency c-section (from the mother or doctor perspective), but I can certainly listen to how hard it was to feel like you failed the mother who had been trying so long to avoid it. I don't really understand what it's like to have someone's life changed forever when nobody listened to you because it's your first day on the job, but I can provide a shoulder to cry on and give a pretty decent hug to help soften the blow just a tiny bit. I don't know what it's like to surgically remove a homemade wooden banana from a man's rectum because it was the only way he felt he could relieve himself sexually and it went a little too far up, but I can definitely listen to the story and laugh about it with Dr. Husband now that the guy's okay.
8 - Make sure you take time for just the two of you.
It's really easy to plan a bunch of family activities for the little time your man actually has off; however, it is crucial for both of you that you make time for you and him as a couple. Whether that be a special dinner for just the two of you after the kiddos are asleep or making a point of having a date night once a month (or however often you can fit in.... that's about once every 2-3 months for us), just make the time.
9 - Pray for him.
Make it a point to pray for him in both your personal and family prayers. We mix it up a little bit by praying for things like "help Daddy to continue learning," "please help him get the rest that his body needs," "help him know how to best treat his patients," "help us to know how to best support Daddy in all his hard work." If you think about it, there are almost endless needs and ways to ask for those needs to be met. I've noticed that on the days we really make a point to pray for our Dr. Dad, not only does his day seem to go better but we seem to have an easier time with him being gone so much.
10 - Just keep doing your best.
You're doing great! As has been mentioned many times before this is not an easy profession to be in or to be married to, but you're doing a good job. Don't feel like you have to be a master at all of these ALL the time. I'm certainly not. It's hard to keep your man happy and family happy if you yourself aren't happy. Don't get discouraged by all the things you
could be doing. Just keep moving along and throw in a little extra on a day you're feeling like you can take on the world.
As I said, many of these things don't come easily to me and go against my semi-feminist views, but I've decided that here and now they need to be done. This might not always hold true or I might learn to love the role and embrace it fully. Either way, this is where I am needed. This is where I can do the most good for my family. This is me now.
- Clara B.
Wether you stay at home, go to school, work outside of the home, or a combination of those, what do you do to help support your Dr. Spouse?
