Find (A Professional) Someone To Talk To

I always seem to be traveling and on vacation when I'm meant to post.  I came back home on Wednesday night and promptly remembered on Thursday morning that I was a few days late in posting.  So I figured, what would a few extra days do?  Not too much harm.

This is my thought for the day:  Everyone should see someone at some point.  And by someone, I mean a psychologist (I spelled that correctly all on my own!).  I'm not sure why there was (or is?) a negative attitude towards seeing someone.  It has helped my life tremendously.  I initially started seeing a psychologist when I was in college.  When I moved to be closer to my boyfriend at the time (whom I later married) and then moved across the country for residency, I stopped.  After a year of residency life my husband suggested I start seeing someone again, an idea that I should have considered myself much earlier.

These are my reasonings.

• Everyone has issues.  Everyone has quirks.  Everyone's baselines are not the average baseline.  I knew what some of my quirks were, but I couldn't quite name them all and so they were sometimes hard to live with because they were uncategorized.  Just knowing what my tendencies were helped me to either accept them or to work on improving them.  (Don't forget that some quirks are not things that need to be fixed, but acknowledged and cared for).
• When you get married, you have someone else's quirks to live with.  In my case, my husband is a very different person than I am.  We process things and hold on to things differently.  He doesn't always understand or know how to help.  Talking to someone else (a professional, not just a girl friend) has helped me when my husband isn't sure what to do (though he tries everything he can think of and is so amazing and understanding when he can be and accepting when he can't comprehend my needs.  I love my husband).  
• Speaking of girl friend.  Sometimes the mother/sister/friend you talk to about most issues is actually part of the anxiety in your life and they are exactly the wrong people to talk to.  (I mention anxiety because that's what I struggle with.  Insert your own unique struggle instead).  
• When you are thrown into a new world (of medical school or residency or any medical life), life is hard.  I love that my psychologist is part of the faculty of the residency program my husband is in.  He knows very clearly the kind of life my husband leads and what kind of extra stress and anxiety that can pile on to me.
• It's customizable! To an extent.  Meaning, you can go once or twice to figure out a few things and then work on those, not needing to return for more guidance or help.  You can go weekly, which is where I am at the moment.  Eventually I'm assuming I'll be able to understand myself and prepare myself enough on my own that weekly visits wont be necessary.  Your psychologist may only feel like you need to come in monthly, or whenever you feel you need to figure something out.  You can go alone or with your spouse.
• I don't feel uncomfortable.  I can talk about anything.  If you don't feel comfortable, is it because it's personal things that you're not used to sharing with anyone else?  Or is it because the person in the chair across from you makes you uncomfortable?  If it's the second, look for someone else!  I think of psychologists like teachers.  They have different personalities and approaches to the same problems and yet unlike teachers, if you're not feeling the connection and don't feel like it's the right fit, you can switch.  Transfer out.  If you can't be completely honest with them it's going to be a lot harder for them to help you.
• It's easy to lose perspective.  I doubted myself a lot when I got married and we moved into the residency program.  I was the youngest spouse by a few years and one of the few without children.  Many other spouses/significant others had been together long enough to know a lot about medicine and what their resident was going through (many are actually also involved in the medical field somehow).  I also grew up in a large city and am now living in a small town close by where most residents and their spouses grew up or have family.  I didn't know where I fit in and how to be confident in who I was and what I did and didn't know or like.  I have so much more confidence and perspective now.

I think it's so helpful to be able to talk to someone about everything you're struggling with and for me, it has helped me to strengthen myself so that I don't struggle as much.  That is a great thing, I think, especially for a resident's spouse, and I'm also pretty sure that's the point of seeing a psychologist anyway.  To help you accept who you are and strengthen yourself to be able to live a happy, beautiful, productive life no matter what crazy, horrible, unexpected, unfortunate things are thrown your way.  So think about it.  I highly recommend it.  For anyone.  Everyone, really.  

My favorite thing that I've been learning is to know and trust in myself.  (It was hard when I realized I didn't trust myself.  Slightly terrifying, actually.  It's a new work in progress).  My wants, my dislikes, my capabilities, my knowledge, my self worth, my intellect, my strength, my fears, my dreams, and knowing how to act on those and not on anything that anyone else is saying.  Being true to myself and making sure that I am happy and I am nourished in the ways I need to be (getting in all my creative things, taking time for myself, saying no when people ask things of me) makes me so much more able to take on the hard things that I have no control over (hint back to a month of night float).  

Trust in yourself.  Nourish yourself.  Make sure your decisions are in your best emotional/physical/spiritual/intellectual interest.  That will make life better for everyone around you.

It makes life a lot better for my husband.

And I love my husband.

-Rachel C.

Nights Are Hard

Some of you may read this and think I've got it rough.  Others may say "ppfft, that's nothing" and a few of you may be right with me.  And you'll all be right.

Nights are hard.

My husband is halfway through a month of Medicine night shifts, meaning 2 weeks in, 2 weeks left.  When he's gone at night I put off sleeping as long as I can because I don't like facing a half empty bed.  He keeps his sleeping schedule on the weekends, even though he's not working.  So he still doesn't go to bed with me, though at least then I know he's close and he'll join me in the morning (since I'm sleeping in late because I stay up to have more time with him).  

I hate not seeing him.  We're super lucky when we have more than an hour a day to be together, and that time is usually spent cooking and eating or preparing one of us to rush out the door.  I've started writing a physical list of things I want to talk to him about, things I want to show him, questions to ask, schedule changes or appointments to remind him about.  So the hour of time together turns into a quick de-briefing on my upcoming hours/days and the attempt at getting all the other information to/from him.  79 hour work weeks (in 5 days) and trying to get enough sleep to be on point the next night does not give much time for wife.

In a previous article, I wrote about how blessed I was to be able to go visit my husband in the hospital since my schedule is quite flexible (with nothing mandatory starting earlier than 11 each day) and the helpful fact that I have no children at home to stay home for.  However timing definitely hasn't been on our side lately and every time I become available, he seems to be bombarded with admits or other work.  When I have made it out to him, twice it's been after midnight, and because I stayed up hoping I could see him, it messed with my sleep, and quite often he has to either leave during it for an unknown period of time or he is busy working on charts and paperwork, so it turns into me staying just to be in the same room as him (until he gets pulled away).

I know my husband is a doctor.  I know this is his job.  I know residency is crazier than afterwards.  I know that he is helping people when he's not with me.  I know.  And I know that it's hard for me.  

He's been on nights before, but I realized that last time he started nights when I started taking 3 classes at school.  We were living in another resident's basement looking for a new rental.   We ended up finding one through family and friends.  So the next few weeks were focused on school and unpacking our house.  I think everything was just hard at that point, but I also had the company of our resident friends and their children.  Now it's just nights and I'm realizing that without a house to unpack or 3 classes worth of homework to get done and no one else in the same house as me, I miss my husband.  Because I love him and he's my family.  

Nights are hard.  

Habits/schedules are messed up.  Scripture reading and family prayer are thrown out of whack.  Important conversations are put on hold or have to be interrupted.  Fuses are shorter because we're both more tired.  And I miss snuggling with him.

And it'll be over in 2 weeks!!!!!  I can make it.  It just wont be the best two weeks of my life.  And I can live with that.

Rachel C. 

Childless Living: A(n Un)Persuasive Essay, by Rachel C. - Grade 19

A few weeks ago I was snuggling with my husband on the staff room couch, watching television and snacking on some treats I had brought for him for his night shift.  It was late, 10, 11ish.  Another resident came in and was instantly extremely jealous of our PDA.  He mentioned how he'd love to have his wife come visit him, but they'd have to get a babysitter to watch their three kids.  I felt a little guilty and sad (though I didn't stop snuggling with my husband).  I decided later that night that it would be smart for residents to live in some sort of communal housing.  It would help us all get to know each other better and become close with the other spouses and residents outside of work and official residency planned activities.  It would also provide the opportunity that the other resident (and his wife) doesn't have right now: a little bit of free time.  Communal housing makes for easy access to live-in babysitters to rotate through.  I know it won't happen, or at least not in a time frame where it will apply to me, but it added to some of my recent thoughts; mainly, the pro and con (just one of each!) of being a childless resident couple.

I like starting with bad news first so I can finish strong with the good.  Therefore, I present to you the con of being childless...

It's really one point.  At the beginning of our first year, one of the 3rd year spouses told us what I thought was great advice - "Plan your days like your spouse can't be there, then when they can't make it, it's not a disappointment.  Or if they end up coming, it's a great day".  I liked that idea a lot.  For me, it mostly applied in terms of when he was coming home, and to never expect him at a certain time.  It definitely helped in those first few months.  But there wasn't much else I could apply it to, and here's why.  We are a family of 2.  When you take away one of us, it leaves one.  That's not a family.  That's a lone person.  When I'm planning a nice family meal, if he can't make it, it's a lonely meal.  Trying to set up family home evening (a weekly family gathering where we have a spiritual lesson, activity, singing and usually treats to end it all), if he's not there, it's personal scripture/Bible study and sudoku on my phone for the activity.  When he's not there, it's no longer a family activity.  It becomes me on my own, doing things (and being ok doing them alone), but it's not family night, and it's not family dinner.  Not having kids means I'm alone if he's not there.  With kids, I could still hold family home evening, have the activity and games, sing with other people, not say all the prayers myself.  There'd be kids to talk to at dinner, days to hear about, people to bond with, helping hands for preparing and cleaning up.  But my husband is my entire family.  I depend on him and without him I am alone.  I think the hardest time I have being a family of 1 is at church.  The congregation I attend is lovely and I know people and I sit near people and I talk with people.  But my husband and I are very guilty of cozying up in church and to sit on those benches in Sacrament meeting (our hour long weekly worship service) and in Sunday School is very lonely without a family to cozy up to.  

But let's move on to happier things, shall we?

Once again it's mainly one point...flexibility.  Though I do have classes and homework and practicing and teaching to do, the only schedules I have to align are mine and my husband's.  No soccer or band or play dates or nap times to work around.  As mentioned earlier, my husband was on nights, I had my night free, I brought him snacks and stuck around for an hour or two.  I knit a scarf when keeping him company on an OB night shift.  We can meet up for lunch with 5 minutes notice because I don't need 20 minutes to wrangle the kids into shoes and jackets and the car.  The only melt downs I have to deal with are my own, and they're getting shorter ;)  I can sit for an hour as I wait for him to have 3 minutes to grab 5 bites with me when he's in the ER and I don't have to try to entertain children in the common waiting room and then explain to them why daddy can't stay longer.  When he's running late, I can hold dinner off.  I can plan to eat at 6 with him one night and 9 the next because that's his schedule.  I don't have kids that need to have dinner so they can go to sleep, or that need a full meal instead of cheese and crackers.  I can stay up late to wait for him when he gets off at midnight for a week and I don't have to be up at 6 or 7 getting kids ready for school.  I can make my schedule work around his.

Please don't think I dislike children.  We are so excited at the prospect of being parents someday, whether during residency, a possible fellowship, or beyond, that's not altogether in our hands.  I am just recognizing the blessings of time and opportunity that we have because we don't have children at this stage in our lives and we are taking advantage of those blessings while we can.  That's really where the focus is, taking advantage of every opportunity to be together, to grow, to share, to bond with each other.  We'll do it when we have children as well, but I believe (based on what parents have told me) that it's easier now.  So whether you're alone or have 5 kids to love and adore, take advantage of the time when the doctor's in the house or has a spare moment.  As President Uchtdorf said - "In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e"

I love my husband mostest...

...when we're snuggling the closest

-Rachel C.

You Are Not Alone!

In medical school, residency, and some practices we don't have the luxury of our husbands holding a nine to five job. We can't count on Saturday being a family-fun-day. We can't promise our children that Daddy will be there Christmas morning to open presents, or to watch them blow out their birthday candles, or cheer them on at their first dance recital. We can't plan on everyone sitting at the dinner table talking about what happened that day. We can't count on having some pillow talk and cuddle time. Our husbands are tied down to books (studying for the umpteenth hour), at the beck and call of a superior, saving lives. It can be lonely, but I'm here to tell you that

I know what it's like to spend only an hour  all day with your husband as he shovels dinner into his mouth before leaving to study... again. I know what it's like to lay on your couch longing to have someone to cuddle up to while watching a movie. I know what it's like to sit in a silent apartment flipping through channels until he walks through that door, utterly exhausted, at 2 A.M. I know the jealousy of staying at home alone while your friends post pictures of date nights on Facebook and Instragram. I know what it's like to be newly married, in a new state, with no car, no internet, no television, and no friends. I know how abandoned and isolated you can feel.

I know how hard it is waking up with a new born baby every single night by yourself because you know that your husband has to get up for rounds at 4 AM. I know how hard it is to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with little people who can't carry a conversation and an empty seat at the head of the table. I know how hard it is to carry out bath time, teeth brushing, book reading, song singing, and tucking in without a second pair of helping hands for the fourteenth night in a row. I know how hard it is to tell your child yet again that, "maybe you'll be able to see Daddy tomorrow," since he goes to work before they wake and comes home long after they have gone to bed. I know how hard it is to hear a small voice tell you that Daddy isn't coming home tonight because he has to work at the hospital.

I know how discouraging it is when you are home with a sick family and your husband is nowhere to be seen because he is helping other sick families. I know how discouraging it is to receive a text informing you that it'll be "just two more hours"... three hours after he was supposed to be home. I know how discouraging it is trying to keep little ones quite as they play while Daddy tries to sleep since he worked all night. I know how discouraging it is not being able to make plans for the holidays since you don't have any idea what your husbands schedule will be until the beginning of the month. I know how discouraging it is when your husband finally comes home and all he wants to do (and needs to do) is rest and stay in - while you cry inside because you've been stuck at home with the kids all week and had your heart set on that family outing that keeps getting put off.

I know what it's like to have a newborn one week old baby violently shooting spit-up out their nose as your sixteen month old poops on the floor and smears it in the carpet as they walk around while your husband is using his few hours of social interaction at the ward barbecue. I know what it's like calling your husband in tears asking him if he can come home yet. I know what it's like finding out that he can't come help you because nobody remembered to bring plates, cups, or enough hamburger buns and he has been asked to fix their problem before he can help you with yours. I know what it's like bathing your toddler, cleaning your carpet, and bleaching your bath tub while your newborn continues to scream and spit-up no matter what you do to console them.

I know how frustrating it is to watch multiple YouTube videos because your husband hasn't been able to mow the lawn in a while and you want to do it for him but have no idea how to actually start a lawn mower. I know how frustrating it is when even after all the "how tos" you still can't figure it out and have to ask a neighbor. I know how frustrating it is when your doorknob to the garage breaks and nothing you do will unlock it. I know how frustrating it is having masking tape over the doorknob hole for a few days while your husband doesn't have the time to fix the problem. I know how frustrating it is pulling the doorknob apart trying to figure out yourself (since it's been days and your husband still hasn't had the time) what on earth is wrong, trying to piece it back together once all the little pieces are taken out, and only then discovering that a piece is actually snapped off. I know how frustrating it is walking into the hardware store knowing what you're looking for (even if you don't have the exact name for it) and having people look at you funny because you're a woman, with two littles and no man in sight, in a hardware store. I know how frustrating it is to try to figure out all these new pieces and get your door working again.

I know what it's like to feel like a single mom - to have the nurturing, educating, cooking, cleaning, lawn mowing, religious teaching, bandaging, butt wiping, tear stopping, disciplining, grocery shopping, bill paying, house fixing, and emergency handling left to you alone. I know what it's like to wrestle children into clothing, assemble a diaper bag, wrangle everyone into the car, and lug across the church parking lot with bag, baby, and toddler in tow. I know what it's like to sit in the pews trying to keep children quite as you are outnumbered and feeling completely helpless. I know what it's like to have eyes starring, some in annoyance and some in pity, as you drag diaper bag, baby, and toddler out of the chapel because baby is crying and toddler has to go potty for the second time in an hour. I know what it's like to finally have your husband home from school or work only to find out that they have to go home teaching, or to a priesthood meeting, or help yet another family move. I know what it's like to be angry that everyone else seems to get your husband's time while you are silently drowning. I know what it's like to feel guilty for being so selfish when all your husband wants to do is serve. I know what it's like to feel like everyone expects perfection from you because, after all, you are the doctors wife.

I also know that you have probably come to know these things yourself, or if you haven't yet, you soon will. My dear friend, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I know how hard, frustrating, and taxing all this can be and my heart goes out to you. But most importantly your Savior knows how hard this is for you. He understands your frustration. He feels your burdens. He gets it, and He is there for you. He is sending you tender mercies daily; while they may not be obvious, I promise you that they are there. Look for them. He will not leave you alone. 

We know that our husbands are working ridiculously hard and that they love us very much, but this doesn't make our trials any less difficult or painful. Their broken back doesn't make our broken arm hurt any less. This is tough, and it's okay to cry sometimes.

Hang in there!
- Clara B.

The Most Important Work

Residency. Is. Hard.

I'm just putting it out there very first because it's the honest truth. It's best just to accept it, try not to dwell on it, but rather "gird up your loins", so to speak! Medical school was tough as well... but I have been tried more and come to lower points during residency than I ever did while my husband was in school. I know this sounds dreary, but stick with me here...

When I heard from other wives ahead of us in this journey, they would try to warn me about the 80+ hour work weeks and life as a single-mom. They would try to warn me about the financial situation and the reality of living on LESS than we did while we had student loans paying our bills. They would say "If you need to buy anything (such as new clothes, new TV, go on vacation, etc), get it out of your system during med school because you won't be able to do that in residency." Well, guess what? They were right! 

My husband earns just enough money a year that we can't apply for government assistance programs... and yet we barely have enough to squeak by each month. Savings? What's that?! Thankfully, we have no credit card debt, only one car payment, have a pretty low rent, and we try to be very careful with our money. We are budgeted down to the very last diaper and banana. Surprisingly, a few things that I can rarely ever afford to work into my grocery cart are tissue boxes, any cut of beef, and more than the single bottle of apple juice a week for my kids. It's an interesting balance each week, and boy do I miss having tissues in my home. TP just is not the same when you have allergies! Am I right? I will write another day about the cash envelope system we use in our home and how incredibly helpful it has been! But for today I wanted to share with you the three things that have helped me to not only survive residency but to find happiness amidst the trials. 

President Harold B. Lee said :

"Happiness does not depend on what happens OUTSIDE of you, but on what happens INSIDE. It is measured by the spirit with which you meet the problems of life." 

#1: Morning and evening prayer. 

-If I am able to center myself before I have to go upstairs to get my two crazies out of bed and start my long, 12+ hour day as a single parent, then I find myself in a much better place to do so. Reporting my day, concerns and struggles to a loving and all-knowing Father in Heaven is one way I am reminded that I'm not alone in this. In return, He blesses me with a calm spirit and more compassion towards my sweet little ones during the trying moments.

#2: Priesthood Blessings.

-A few months ago I hit the lowest point so far in this journey. I was resentful, unhappy, exhausted, frustrated with my husband and my kids, frustrated with myself for being so frustrated, and feeling dangerously close to giving up. I asked my husband for a blessing (which is also something you can ask of a Home Teacher, Bishopric member, or friend/family member who holds the Melchizedek Priesthood). I was hesitant to receive one at his hands because ... well, I was in a bad place, to be honest. I was upset with him for making this life OUR life. But as he spoke the words that I know came from Heaven, I was humbled, strengthened, and ultimately saved from the dark place I was in. Boy, did I need it. I have since then used that experience to keep me grounded to what's important: my husband, my children, and most of all my spiritual well-being. If I am struggling, then my whole family struggles. Priesthood blessings can be given and received ANYTIME you feel you need it. Use that divine tool!! That's what it's there for. 

#3: Remember who you are!

-Ours is a divine and sacred calling. We are mothers to spirit children who were saved for this latter-day! We are the sole caretakers, teachers and examples to these precious spirits. The adversary wants us to feel down, resentful, unhappy with our lot in life, and for our homes to fall apart. We are in partnership not only with our husbands in our parenting roles, but also with our Father in Heaven. He wants us to turn to Him if we are struggling with this divine calling. He can strengthen us when we feel we're at the end of our rope ... and he can also help us to find the JOY again if we have misplaced it.

So, to all you "single" mothers who know the ups and downs of this beast we call residency (and medical school), hang in there. Look inward and see if there is an imbalance in your spiritual well-being. Spend some quality time on your knees, ask for a blessing from those who have proper authority, and focus on the importance of your own important work. I promise that you will come out stronger, happier, and more able to support your husbands as they continue in their work.

-F. Nightingale