Love and Marriage

Marriage is hard. Period. It doesn't matter who you are, where you live, what occupations you and/or your spouse are in, it's just hard. It may be that difficulties arise often or only on occasion, but every marriage takes work. As with the rest of our lives, medical school/residency/fellowship/being a doctor complicates things. Marriage takes time and effort. That time can be extra hard to come by and (at least in my case) the effort needing extra devotion when in the medical world. 

I have found it all to easy to put nurturing our marital relationship on the back burner. Between crazy work hours, family time, personal time, friends, church callings, and the many other activities that occupy our lives it sometimes seems selfish of me to require time for just me and my man. I find myself feeling guilty that I want to just sit and talk for a long while when I know my husband is exhausted from a long days work. It's easier for both of us to exchange a few words (usually about the schedule for the upcoming days and weeks) and then turn to our various ways of winding down for the night (i.e. shower, Facebook, TV shows, book reading. AKA "me time). Yet, every time I find ourselves in this ritual of marital funk I notice that the other aspects of our lives suffer. Dr. Barton is more stressed at work (is that even possible in residency? Yes. Yes it is), my patience with my girls is minimal, I have less motivation to stay on top of household chores, my kids become more whiny and all-around difficult, basically our lives start to become a mess. Unsurprisingly, when we devote more time to our marriage everything else starts to fall back into place. 

So how do you find that balance and make time for your marriage when your spouse is averaging 80+ hour work weeks? Here are a few ideas that I have found make a difference. 

Try to find some unusual way to serve your spouse each day. Order a pizza to be delivered to the hospital when he's working a late shift, leave him a note in his car, slip a special treat into his white coat pocket. It doesn't have to be big, but it does have to be something out of the ordinary. 

Make time to sit down and talk about things other than schedules, work, and kids. When Dr. Barton and I were dating we would talk on the phone for 3-4 hours every night. Now I honestly don't know how we found that much to talk about. It's certainly a lot easier when you are still learning so much about each other. The thing is, that while I know my husband really well there are still things I don't know! You can always find a childhood story you haven't heard, a pet peeve that you somehow didn't yet know about, a new fear that has developed, or a dream that has evolved. Humans are not stagnant beings; relationships are not static entities. There will always be something new to discover, although it may take some digging. 

(note: after almost five years of marriage I learned today that I had no idea what my husband's favorite ice cream flavor was. How does that even happen?! I guess it's because he's a sweet heart and always buys my favorite instead. Like I said, there always something new to discover.) 

Take time to be just "Us." I don't mean the time you spend snuggling in bed after the kids are asleep. While that is fantastic and definitely needed, I'm talking about time away from everything else. This could happen in the form of a date night, a weekend get away, or a "Mom and Dad" only vacation. Dr. Barton and I have been fortunate this year and last year to do the latter. Even though our time away last year was slightly dampened by illness (both with the kids at home and with is in vacation) and a few urgent care visits, we were STILL able to reconnect as husband and wife. Dr. Barton and I plan on making such trips a yearly occurrence. They won't always be extravagant or long, but we have decided that it is pivotal to the health of our relationship to take that time away from everything else and focus on "us."

Lastly, go to the temple together. This is something that Dr. Barton and I have failed at miserably since starting residency. With the nearest temple being 45 minutes away (I know, it could be SO much worse), we have found it difficult to make the time. Having to hire/find a babysitter for 4 hours certainly doesn't help. The bottom line is that we just haven't made it a high enough priority and that the afore mentioned are really just lame excuses. When you MAKE time to go to the temple together you WILL see the blessings in your marriage, home, and everyday lives. 

- Clara B.