Nights Are Hard

Some of you may read this and think I've got it rough.  Others may say "ppfft, that's nothing" and a few of you may be right with me.  And you'll all be right.

Nights are hard.

My husband is halfway through a month of Medicine night shifts, meaning 2 weeks in, 2 weeks left.  When he's gone at night I put off sleeping as long as I can because I don't like facing a half empty bed.  He keeps his sleeping schedule on the weekends, even though he's not working.  So he still doesn't go to bed with me, though at least then I know he's close and he'll join me in the morning (since I'm sleeping in late because I stay up to have more time with him).  

I hate not seeing him.  We're super lucky when we have more than an hour a day to be together, and that time is usually spent cooking and eating or preparing one of us to rush out the door.  I've started writing a physical list of things I want to talk to him about, things I want to show him, questions to ask, schedule changes or appointments to remind him about.  So the hour of time together turns into a quick de-briefing on my upcoming hours/days and the attempt at getting all the other information to/from him.  79 hour work weeks (in 5 days) and trying to get enough sleep to be on point the next night does not give much time for wife.

In a previous article, I wrote about how blessed I was to be able to go visit my husband in the hospital since my schedule is quite flexible (with nothing mandatory starting earlier than 11 each day) and the helpful fact that I have no children at home to stay home for.  However timing definitely hasn't been on our side lately and every time I become available, he seems to be bombarded with admits or other work.  When I have made it out to him, twice it's been after midnight, and because I stayed up hoping I could see him, it messed with my sleep, and quite often he has to either leave during it for an unknown period of time or he is busy working on charts and paperwork, so it turns into me staying just to be in the same room as him (until he gets pulled away).

I know my husband is a doctor.  I know this is his job.  I know residency is crazier than afterwards.  I know that he is helping people when he's not with me.  I know.  And I know that it's hard for me.  

He's been on nights before, but I realized that last time he started nights when I started taking 3 classes at school.  We were living in another resident's basement looking for a new rental.   We ended up finding one through family and friends.  So the next few weeks were focused on school and unpacking our house.  I think everything was just hard at that point, but I also had the company of our resident friends and their children.  Now it's just nights and I'm realizing that without a house to unpack or 3 classes worth of homework to get done and no one else in the same house as me, I miss my husband.  Because I love him and he's my family.  

Nights are hard.  

Habits/schedules are messed up.  Scripture reading and family prayer are thrown out of whack.  Important conversations are put on hold or have to be interrupted.  Fuses are shorter because we're both more tired.  And I miss snuggling with him.

And it'll be over in 2 weeks!!!!!  I can make it.  It just wont be the best two weeks of my life.  And I can live with that.

Rachel C. 

The Olympics Make Me Cry

I've never been much of a crier. I wasn't one of those girls who sobbed during The Notebook and I can't cry on command when I get pulled over. But my kids ruined me. Sappy commercial? Tears. Goose honking after the flock that passed by five minutes ago? Bawling. Watching Mulan finally reach the arrow at the top of the huge pole? Crying with pride.

The Winter Olympics have started and I've already gone through two boxes of tissues. I love (and by love I mean have the TV on all day and even like watching curling kind of love) the Winter Olympics. The Summer stuff is super cool too, but I just don't get quite as into it (although I also have the TV on all day during the summer games too). Anywho.... I am about to be bombarded with stories of triumph and failure, rough pasts and amazing futures, proud parents and disappointed athletes. And don't even get me started on those P&G mom commercials. Basically I'll be spending the next couple weeks with a pruny face from all the crying. And I'm going to love every minute of it.

- Clara B. 

Remember Who You Are

There were many times growing up that as I ran out the door to meet friends or headed into school from the car that my parents would imploring yell, "remember who you are and what you stand for!" Most of the time their reminder would cause my teenage eyes to roll so hard I almost saw the back of my skull, but their words stuck with me anyway. As most teenagers do, I did lose myself for a time and disregarded the standards I once held (and mostly pretended to still hold). Those were some of the most miserable and difficult times of my life. It's hard not knowing who you really are. It's disappointing not living to the standard you once held yourself to. And honestly, it's not much easier now than it was in my high school days.

It's easy to lose your personal identity once you're married, have kids, and are sucked into the world of medicine. You suddenly become wife, mommy, and the doctor's spouse. So much of your time is involved with making everyone else's life function that you start to disappear. I know, I've been there. I've been in the conversation where someone asks you what you do and all you can answer is what your husband and kids do. You're asked about what your free time looks like and you stare blankly either because you don't remember what the words "free time" mean or because you're too embarrassed to answer, "watch The Biggest Loser while stuffing my face with junk food." So, for the intent of this post I'm going to change my parents' saying to "remember who you are and what you strive for." 

You are important. Yes, you are important in your role as wife, mother, supporter, friend, and all other roles that you play; but I mean you, just you, is important. When you lose yourself in everything else that you are, it's easy to fall into the pits of loneliness, depression, boredom, self-doubt, self-deprication, and a myriad of other destructive places. I know, I've been there too. I have found it crucial to the existence of "just me" to sit down every few months or so and evaluate my life, to figure out what it is I am doing, where I want to go, who I am, and who I want to be. 

Do things for yourself. I know this is something I hear all the time as a mother. I can't count the number of times I've heard, "you can't help others until you help yourself." I've been told that I should take the time to eat my favorite treat all by myself, without having to share with little mouths. I've heard that I should take the time to get a massage or manicure. Those small moments can be an absolute God send, but I bet you can do even more. You deserve more than just a few fleeting moments. Do you have a dream to finish school? Take classes. Remember that book everyone was raving about that you just never had time for? Read it. Have you always wanted to learn how to take amazing pictures? Find a friend who can teach you how. Don't completely lose your dreams and stunt your personal growth by forgetting how important you are. 

I've found that what works best for me is to set a monthly goal. If by the end of that month I've accomplished that goal to my satisfaction then I'll make a new goal for the next month; if I feel like it still needs time and attention I'll give it another month and then reevaluate again. For example: I have always wanted to learn how to make amazing pies. Yes, it's the total 50's housewife stereotype, but I wanted to do it none-the-less. I found a friend of mine who is a total Betty Crocker and asked her if she would show me how. She was thrilled with the idea and we made an afternoon of baking, having fun, and getting to know each other a little better. I'm not quite ready to bake an amazing pie for Thanksgiving dinner, but I've learned enough that I can work on my skills at home by myself. While this wasn't something huge like finishing medical school, it was fulfilling and important to me. In a career where my husband is constantly learning and growing it's easy for me to feel left behind. I need to find ways to push myself so that I can grow with him, even if I'm constructing baked goods while he reconstructs a human body. 

Find a system that works for you. Maybe a new goal a month is that extra scoop that you just can't finish on your plate. That's okay. Just make sure you find a way to take care of yourself. I beg of you: remember who YOU are and what you STRIVE for! 

- Clara B. 

A Round-less Weekend

This weekend consisted of 3 days in the great outdoors (with warm cabins to eat and sleep in comfortably) with a group of people that would not naturally congregate together in such close quarters.  It was a residency retreat, intended to gather the residents (1st years being the target audience) and attendings together for a mixing and mingling and I thought it was amazing.  Let me be slightly more specific.  It was intended to gather the resident and attending FAMILIES together.  And I still thought it was amazing.  We were one of just 3 non-intern families to join the party and afterwards I was saddened by what the other 11 families missed out on.  These types of retreats are rare (twice a year for us, which is not very often) and really important, I think, to being in a residency.  

 I've already talked about how I don't really know what goes on in a day in the life of my husband.  Which means at most gatherings, like the annual Christmas party, I have very little to say to a lot of the other residents and even less to the attendings and specialists that are there.  In 3 days surrounded by doctors, however, I heard 0 talk about medical things.  I don't even remember anyone asking what rotation anyone else was on.  I talked to attendings significant others, whom I had never met before, and we learned about each other and heard all about what the doctors are like outside of the clinic and hospital.  I found out one of the attendings is a cross country ski racer, so he gave us a little lesson on the basics of skiing (since that was the main form of entertainment where we were) and I now have a subject that I know a little bit about (thanks to his teaching) that we can talk about that isn't medicine.  

It felt like a great gathering of distant cousins who knew of each other and knew about each other to varying degrees, but spent three days getting to know each other and experienced things together, built memories and relationships that can grow in the future, though it may be 3 months before I see them again.  I'm not sure if all residencies are as interested in building a community within residents and attendings, but I think it's really important to think of everyone my husband works with and all their families as extended family.  They all know what residency life is like, but we all have lives outside of the hospital (yep, even interns have side hobbies, or at least stories of when they did have time for hobbies!) and those are the things that are important to learn so that we can be more of a family and feel more of that support and have more of those friendships (or acquaintances) to help us through and to make the time more enjoyable.  

It was different to be able to spend time with whole families, as opposed to hanging out with the spouse and children of a resident.  I got to get to know the people my husband works with and he got to know their families.  

Though we are resident's wives, I believe we need that connection to people who understand what we are going through and therefore don't need to talk about it.  Explaining to a friend or acquaintance what it means to be in a residency doesn't make them understand.  Not having to explain it or talk about it for a weekend was really great, to be supported by people who knew what our lives really were like because they've all done it and are seeing us go through it now, we can just be families or wives or children, not resident families or resident wives.  I momentarily forgot the craziness of residency life.  And it was great.

I love my husband...

...the great cross country skier

-Rachel C.

Finances: 5 Ways to Avoid Extra Debt in Residency (or anytime!)

Nobody likes talking about money. In particular, nobody likes to talk about their own money problems. It's personal! And a pretty sensitive subject... But I'm going to be honest here in hopes that it helps someone out there!

My husband makes about $52,000 a year as a resident. Once taxes, health insurance, and our tithing (for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) is taken out of that, then we live off of about $34,000. With a family of 4, we don't have too many expenses besides the usual bills. We don't have any credit card debt and aren't paying back any student loans yet. We are renting a very affordable home, don't have any government help (i.e. WIC or food stamps), own one car and have a low car payment on the other. We have made a huge effort from the beginning of residency to live within our means and always keep our expenses less than what my man brings in bi-weekly. 

As you can imagine, and if any of you are living with the same kind of salary, you'll know it can be extremely difficult some days. Don't get me wrong... My family is so very blessed with enough food to eat, clothes to wear, toys to play with, cars to drive, heat, electricity, cell phones, and a computer. All of our basic needs are met, PLUS some. I am so very grateful for those things every day. But that's about all there is every month. We don't have anything left over for savings, traveling, eating out at restaurants, buying christmas or birthday gifts (even small things) for family and friends. We only fly to visit our families once a year, and even then we use flight points that we have saved up for the entire year! More than once during residency, our bank account in between paychecks has been as low as $50. It's scary, and nerve-racking, and frustrating!

So... even though I'm not giving you tips for "How to feel rich during Residency" ... I think I have some good points here that may help some of you survive without getting into more debt.

1. Stick to your budget! [Cash Envelopes]

If you have a great way of keeping yourself ON TRACK with a budget, then stick with it! If what you're using now isn't keeping you on track, try something else! 

We have been using the "cash envelope" budgeting technique ever since medical school. It is the BEST way I have found to keep us on track when it comes to everything besides the set-in-stone bills each month. It not only keeps me from over-spending in groceries or clothes for the kids, etc... but it also helps me feel like I'm not going to go CRAZY feeling poor. It helps me feel like I'm in control of what money we have that month instead of "assuming" what money we have used. When you pull your debit or credit card out for everything, it's harder to keep track of where dollar is actually going. It's important to write a whole list of what you spend your money on. Catergories like: diapers, groceries, "other" grocery items (toiletries, TP, saran wrap, etc), oil changes for the cars, haircuts, a little fun money for each person, and so on. Know EXACTLY (to the dollar) how much money comes in, and figure out exactly how much goes out. Then you can easily cut back in areas that need it.

Then STICK. TO. IT. 

You can do it. :)

2. Throw in some fun: "Friday Night Pizza Picnic"

I don't know about you, but if I don't have a little bit of money to feel "free" with, I start to go completely crazy. I have found that if I can get out with my family every so often, and do something fun together, then I don't feel as bogged down overall.

We have decided that as a family we have $20 of "fun money" to spend together each month. That is enough for all of us to see a movie at a cheap theater, or eat out together at Chick Fil A, or get some ice cream or treats once or twice that month. Since it isn't much, we decided that we would start "friday night pizza picnic" night. My kids look forward to it all week! I make us homemade pizza for dinner and we put on a disney movie while the kids sit on a blanket and have a "pizza picnic". I could order pizza and make it less work for myself... but why spend the money? Why not spend an hour making it from scratch and instead of going OUT for some entertainment, we can stay in for free! Redbox is a great help on those nights as well. :)

3. Enjoy being home

Realize that every time you leave the house it costs you money. Whether it's in gas, stopping for a snack or treat, finding things you just "have to have" in the DollarSpot at Target... 

I have so many friends who claim they just can't stay inside all day. Their kids get stir-crazy... The moms need to get out... Everyone wakes up with the attitude of "Where are we going today?" I do admit I have days like that every so often... but most of the time my kids and I actually enjoy being home. We have time to play together, time to relax, time for a PBS show or two, lower stress levels, I have time to make dinner for my family without scrambling or cutting corners in meal-planning, and my kids have learned to self-entertain when I have projects to work on.

 Find indoor activities and activities to do with your kids. Search pinterest for easy/fun ideas (there are TONS!). Borrow movies from friends. Make a fort!

4. Memberships and free activities

-Get a library card and use it often!

-Get a zoo pass. This gives you a place to go multiple times a month if you need to get out but have no money to play with. Even better: We were gifted a year family pass by my parents... Maybe ask for one for Christmas from parents/grandparents?

I have also discovered that if you are on medicaid, you are eligible to special prices at places like zoos and other family establishments. Look into it!

-Get a pass to a kids' play place or discovery museum.

-Find out when your local Barnes and Noble has reading time. You don't need a membership for this.

-Do some exploring in your area and find out where the parks, walking trails, ponds (to feed ducks), and other outdoor sight-seeing locations are.

5. Moonlighting shifts

Some residency programs allow their residents to take on extra shifts in the hospital whenever they have spaces to fill. Usually it's in the NICU or PICU and it's mostly 12-hour night shifts on the weekends. These can pay anywhere from $700-$1000 (based on my husband's program) per shift which, as you know, is a HUGE amount of money. Find out if it's an option in your man's program. They can be hard to snag with all the other residents going after a few of these shifts per month, but they're a big help if you can get them.

I hope this lists help you bare the financial frustrations that come with residency. Hang in there! You can do this and it doesn't last forever. :)

-F. Nightingale

Medical School in Paradise

We are very excited to introduce our first guest blogger! We asked our dear friend, Jill Messenger, to write a post about her life as a med school wife in the Caribbean. Here's what she had to say!

Medical School on the island of Grenada (SGU):

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I love St. George’s University (SGU) like I love health insurance. I need it, but I hate it. SGU is giving MY husband (who applied for years and years to get into medical school in the States) the opportunity to fulfill his dream of becoming a physician!!! But sometimes? This school DRIVES ME NUTS!!!! The Mr. just needed to catch a break when it came to applying for medical schools, and SGU was the school that finally gave him one, and we will forever be grateful for it! 

I think medical school in general is a phenomenon that is a mystery. No one really seems to know anything about it unless they’ve been through it. Medical school also seems to invoke a lot of questions, but then tack on the fact that we’re doing it in the Caribbean??? I think it stimulates even more. And although this list will not be all-encompassing, it’ll give you a pretty good idea of what medical school is like in the Caribbean. Well, in Grenada, at least.

*Disclaimer – I’ve been here two years without leaving the island, and know the ins and outs of Grenada PRETTY well (it’s not very big); however, these experiences are my own, and anyone else you talk to may have something completely different to say.

The Good

The Island

·      Hello???!!! It’s a Caribbean Island.

·      Grenada is absolutely beautiful!

·      The UNIVERSITY CLUB POOL!!! (Every Monday and Thursday).

·      The people are friendly and warm.

·      There are so many things to see and do (and the best part of it all??? Most of it is FREE!!!!)! Beaches, waterfalls, pools, forts, snorkeling, boat rides, steel drum bands, CRAB RACES!! (yes… that’s really what I wrote), hiking, tide pools, and watching leatherback sea turtles lay eggs… to name a few.

·      The weather… aaaaahhhhh…. The weather….

·      Sunsets

·      The tropical fruit truly is divine, and if you like fish? There’s nothing better.

·      I feel very safe. Most of the crime that occurs here is theft, and people are VERY respectful of mothers and children.

·      Our house is nice, and a good value for the location.

·      It provides adventure for the adventurous soul!

·      During school breaks? It’s kind of like you have a FREE Caribbean vacation! (Because you’re already here)! :D

·      Life is more relaxed and moves slower.

·      There are a TON of VOLUNTEER opportunities with local charities, orphanages, and school programs.

The Social Life

·      SGU is one of the only schools that has a “Significant Other (SO) Organization.” Anyone who is a spouse, partner, child, etc… can join the SO Organization (for a small fee), and participate in any of the socials and activities. Everyone is so nice!!!! And you all understand each other, because you’re all going through the same thing.

·      For members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there IS a branch located on the island, with a real (tiny) church building, with a HIGH student/student family population in the branch (at least for the time being).

·      The night life is fun, but can be expensive (depending on what you want to do). I’m not a “show up at a bar or party” type of a girl, so my night life consists of eating out at resort-style restaurants. It costs more money, but it SURE IS FUN!

The School

·      The campus is beautiful, well-kept, and on one of the most gorgeous peninsulas on the island.

·      SGU has high expectations from their students (good thing for a Caribbean school reputation).

·      And last but NOT least!!! My husband is going to be a REAL DOCTOR when all is said and done!!!!! (Yes… a real doctor. It’s sad that I have to clarify, but you have no idea how many people actually think that his education won’t “count” because it was done on an island. But yes, he will still be taking the same boards every other physician has to take if he/she wants to practice in America).

The Bad

The Island

·      Even Paradise gets old when you’re here long enough. Island fever is real. A 132 square mile island. You can only go to the same beaches, pools and waterfalls so many times. It’s like being stuck on vacation. Sure… it sounds nice now, but you know you’re always excited to be “home” once the vacation is over. Most students go home during the summer and winter breaks. My family has not left since we moved here almost two years ago! (Until tomorrow! We’re vacationing to ANOTHER island)!

·      Island hopping is NOT cheap! You’d think it would be. It’s not.

·      Grenada is a third-world, developing country. In the words of my brother-in-law, “I didn’t know people really lived like this!” It wasn’t much of a culture shock for me, but I understand that many people experience quite the surprise!

·      Food is EXPENSIVE!!!! Milk is 6 U.S. dollars a gallon, a 1 lb package of strawberries is 8 U.S. dollars. Apples are priced PER APPLE, not per pound. I used to spend anywhere from 200-400 U.S. dollars a month on groceries (family of 5), and now I spend anywhere from 800-1,000 U.S.!!!

·      Meat and cheese prices are outrageous, so we eat a lot of shredded chicken (and add beans) to stretch it out a little.

·      Groceries do not go on sale, so you can kiss the couponing goodbye! BUT… every once in awhile, the yogurt will be expiring “tomorrow”… and then you can get a KILLER deal!

·      On average, the grocery store will only carry about ¾ of the ingredients I need for my recipes. I’ve learned to adapt and modify recipes VERY well, and you can kiss your menu-making goodbye!

·      Luxuries (things you wouldn’t even CLASSIFY as a luxury) are GONE! Carpet, soft toilet paper, good tasting water, a dishwasher, a dryer, variety of food, inexpensive restaurants, fast food on every corner (not that I condone eating at them all the time!), Walmart, Costco, 24 hour DRIVE-THRU pharmacies, customer service, quick service, medical care, to name a few…

·      I once went to a Taco Bell in America that ran out of meat. WHAT???!!! That’s UNHEARD of! Not here. (And no… there’s no Taco Bell)…

·      Mosquitos and bugs.

·      The weather is beautiful (in the Winter) but it provides you with an odd sense of a time warp. You never know what month it is, and Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas.

·      The summer months are HOT and HUMID! Pretty miserable. Most homes do not have central A/C, but a wall unit in the bedrooms that will cost you about 200 U.S. dollars a month if you run it a total of 6 hours a day. YIKES!  

·      Obtaining a work permit on the island is VERY difficult, so if you are a Significant Other looking for work, this is not going to be a good place to find it. Remember, though! Lots of volunteer opportunities!  

·      The island is NOT stroller friendly, and not biking friendly. There are not soccer or baseball, etc. leagues for little kids. Elementary and Secondary schools are high priced for a mediocre education, and there are not “parks” to play in. Basically, if your child doesn’t like to swim, you’re screwed.

The Social Life

·      If you think it’s hard to get away from people you don’t like now, try to avoid them when you live on a little island. It ain’t easy.

·      Want to throw a party? Better make sure you invite EVERYONE or someone’s gonna get hurt.

·      If you are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, be prepared to serve A LOT! The local members are the sweetest and most humble members I’ve ever met, but they still do not understand what it means to hold a calling, and they live on West Indian time. They will most likely be late (if they show up at all) and unprepared. Hence, the majority of the responsibility will fall on your shoulders to get classes started, to teach, etc… (whether it’s your job or not). Both my husband and I hold pretty time-consuming callings.

The School

·      Just because it’s a Caribbean school, doesn’t make it a party school.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Caribbean schools have something to prove, a stigma against them, and in the attempt to rid themselves of such, they must put their students through the “Ring of Fire” AND the “Gauntlet,” all while the American Gladiators are chucking things at you, too. Did I paint that picture well enough for you? J (But don’t get me wrong, medical school is hard EVERYWHERE, not just here).

·      It is advised that the Caribbean Medical School student scores an average of 10 points higher on their board exams than any US Med School student in order to look competitive. Sounds kinda unfair to me.

AND… THE UGLY....

The Island

·      I finally know what it means to be a minority. It sucks. It sounds so cliché, but I really do get treated differently because of the color of my skin, and I HATE it! I get looked at like I don’t belong, I get charged higher prices, I get whistled and hissed at, the list goes on. I HATE RACISM! * But learn their names, and they’ll start to remember you. ;)

The Social Life

·      If there’s REAL drama (which there shouldn’t be because we’re all adults), but if there is… It is NOT a pretty sight. Too close of quarters, and a lot of people stuck in the middle.

The School

·      SGU’s class sizes are just getting bigger and bigger. The Mr. started in a class size of around 600. In just two years, the entering class jumped up to 800!!!!

·      RUMOR has it that there are only 500 or so clinical spots available to 3^rd year SGU students. RUMOR has it that the school PURPOSELY fails out the necessary amount of students in order to get the class down to the right number by the end of the first two years; thus, robbing the “failing” students of hundreds of thousands of dollars by the time they get “dismissed.”

o   I cannot emphasize RUMOR enough.

o   I have heard from a reliable source that this is false, and that the school has plenty of clinical spots available. (But really? Who would admit to this unethical practice?)

o   I’m just saying it’s pretty ironic that the number just so “happens” to be around 500 students every single time the last semester begins.

·      The cheating at this school is RAMPANT!

o   Old exams are passed around like they’re candy. My husband refuses to participate because it’s CHEATING!

o   About 80% of the current exam questions come from old exams. That’s a FREE 80%, from no work of your own!

o   And then, there’s my husband who continues to keep his eyes on his own paper and do his own work, and yet, his 70% will be compared to the 85% the other students are “earning.” It doesn’t seem fair to me.

o   Some people may call him stupid. I call him a man who has integrity.

The Conclusion:

Alright, if you were to look at this list alone, you would think that I hated the island and the school! THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL! I love it here! I tear up thinking about the day that I have to leave. I don’t witness the things on the negative list more than 3 or 4 times a week, but I do witness most everything on the positive list almost every minute of every day.

Sure, things drive me nuts, and sure, I’m going a little stir crazy, but the fact is… Grenada helped shape the person I have become (as well as our family). My children now leap for joy when we have fresh milk in the fridge. Their Santa wish lists consisted of 4 or 5 things… LITTLE things. They scream with excitement for a bag of popcorn. I’m so proud to say they are mine.

I’m so grateful we have had the opportunity to live in Grenada. A place where supply is limited, but gratitude is high. A place where children are not spoiled from their world that is full of plenty. A place that puts life into perspective, and helps you remember the more important things in life.

Even amongst all of the “bad and uglies,” and knowing what I know now, I can honestly say, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

<3… Signing off

Accepting a Helping Hand

As a doctor's wife you have to be independent. There's just no way around it. If you're the kind of person who needs constant attention from your significant other you are going to have to chose between making a change towards independence, absolute misery, or in the worst case divorce. It's a trait that isn't always easy, but absolutely necessary to make it through the long hours your Dr Husband works. However, there is such thing as too much indepenendence.

I have spent so many hours being strong for my husband, so that he didn't feel guilty that he had to study or work late, that I convinced myself I could do this alone. I didn't need neighbors to help watch my kids for a while. I didn't need ward members to invite us over for dinner because my husband was on-call. I didn't need help because that meant I was weak, needy, and pitiful. Somehow I managed to convince myself of this. 

In medical school it was EXTREMELY rare for me to accept any kind of help, yet alone ask for it. Once we hit residency I started to feel a little more comfortable with both the accepting and asking, but only as long as I felt that it wasn't a big deal (like having a friend pick up my oldest from preschool when my friend was already picking up her own daughter and had to drive by my house on her way home anyway). If the service was going to put anyone out in any way I wasn't okay with it. Well ladies and gentleman, the ghost of service present has come to visit and my heart has been changed. 

This past month Dr. Barton has been on a rotation three hours away with only one day off a week. This means he hasn't been home at all since it's just too far to drive here and back all in one day. I didn't think this would be all that much harder than the norm since he isn't around much anyway, but boy was I wrong. 

We were lucky to spend two whole weeks with him at his location since it also happens to be his home town. Grandma and Grandpa's house was a wonderful refuge for all of us, but eventually the littles and I had to head back to our reality of preschool, dance classes, church callings, and a first ever dance recital. It was rough. The littles were mad at me for taking them away from Dr Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa, so I was getting extra attitude from both of them. I came home to find mice had made their way into our garage and eaten my infant car seat that had been stored in there, and we had a good amount of snow dump on us (and this is after living in a warm, snow-less place for the last four years.... and driving a new van that I'm still getting used to.... and living on a hill.... and being in a place that apparently doesn't clear ANY streets when it snows. Can you spell disaster?) 

We returned at the busiest time possible. I had a lot on my plate without all the added chaos and not even twenty four hours after returning home I felt beaten down. That's when the love and tender mercies started pouring in. I found a care package filled with chocolates, nail polish, homemade sugar scrub, and a new book that a friend from medical school had sent to me (since she knew Dr. Barton was going to be gone for an extended time) as I was sitting in the Lowe's parking lot, in between dance classes and the ward Christmas party, waiting for my baby to wake up so I could buy mouse traps. This lead to a flood of tears, in the Lowe's parking lot. Feeling overwhelmed with all the activities on our calendar, cranky children, and the thought of dealing with mice, I could not have opened that act of love at a better time. 

At the ward Christmas party a sister in the ward saw me walk in late and alone with my two girls, made room for us at her table, and then proceeded to help me grab dinner for my girls so that I didn't have to juggle two toddlers and three plates by myself. Santa took the extra time to make my littles comfortable and happy so that we could snap a good picture to send to Dr. Dad. And another ward member rushed to my car to stay with my baby when they saw that after taking both littles out in the freezing cold and strapping them both in their car seats that my oldest suddenly had to go potty and pronto. 

When my girls fell asleep at 6:30 PM and didn't wake up shorty after like I expected them to, I asked a neighbor if she could head over to my house so that I could run to the store to buy ingredients for the Relief Society Christmas breakfast that was the early the next morning. Not only was she willing to do that, but she actually went shopping for me since she had to go to the store anyway.

A friend in the ward had her husband pick-up and drive my van down a slick, steep, windy hill when I didn't trust my snow-driving skills after the first real snowfall of the season. He then went a step further by walking over to our house (a good two blocks in 1* weather) to help me shovel our drive-way. 

Some friends from residency picked me up and took me as their third wheel to the residency Christmas party so that I didn't have to feel awkward going alone. They then stuck around after bringing me home to help me put my kiddos in bed and just talk for a while so that I wouldn't get lonely. 

After it continued to dump snow on us that night, I woke up Sunday morning to find all two feet of snow that had fallen overnight shoveled off my driveway by some Good Samaritan. And when I was under the weather and feeling unable to tackle church, people stepped in without hesitation to fill my callings. 

My visiting teacher insisted on watching my girls for me so that I could have some time to myself to do whatever I wanted. She was also willing to watch them a second day that same week so that I could take some final exams for school. 

There have been numerous other "small" acts that people have done for me in just the short amount of time we have been home and complelty fatherless, too many to add to this already long post. There is no way that I could have done all this without those helping hands and loving hearts. 

I have come to realize that being strong and independent doesn't mean doing it completely by yourself all the time. It means knowing when you do need the extra help, accepting it, and even asking for it, without hesitation. It does not make you weak, it makes you human. People aren't bestowing pity, they are sharing love. Let those helping hands into your home and into your heart. It will make your life so much better. 

- Clara B. 

Time Well Wasted

I don't know about you but I ate the house to the ground this last weekend.  To.  The.  Ground.  No big deal except for the fact that I am becoming increasingly worried that Thanksgiving was a precursor to the coming months.  My husband has reached the homestretch with medical school.  Residency interviews are about over and the months ahead will be spent waiting.  And eating.

I don't really know what to do with myself.  I feel like we are in limbo.  I mean, we know we are moving in less than 6 months.  We just don't know where.  I can't plan ahead.  Looking for houses or apartments feels like a fantasy.  Should I buy the girls a bunk-bed or will we be lucky enough to get a place big enough for them to have their own rooms?  Do I buy this couch or that couch?  Home decor on Pinterest is getting close to ruining my life.  It's nothing but a pipe dream, you guys.  But then I search for deliciously easy recipes.  You know where I'm going with this.  Cream cheese frosting...on a spoon.  Or cinnamon roll.  Whatever you want, really.  Can you say wretched glutton?

So, our family is going on a chicken and lettuce diet.  It started out as a joke.  I'm a believer of portion control.  Go ahead and eat your pizza, just maybe not eight slices.  This chicken and lettuce thing is probably going to kill me.  Or at least my resolve to eat a little healthier.  We'll see which comes first.  Still, no more delicious Pinterest recipes.  No more killing time on the world wide web finding the next greatest cupcake recipe.  I'm bored.  It feels never ending.

Filling the time is getting difficult, especially when I can't fill it with ranch dip or nachos.  We've reached our quota on family movie nights.  Despicable Me has been seen so many times that my daughter built her very own "box of shame" for quiet time.  Try explaining that to people.  The Christmas tree has been decorated and undecorated multiple times.  We've wandered the mall, Target, and Bass Pro Shop so much that I think we are considered "regulars".  I'm running out of ideas so if you've got 'em, help a sister out.  The more skeeball, the better.  Until then, enjoy your delicious food.  I'll be over here eating lettuce and wishing it was a cheeseburger.

m. quinn

Changing Traditions

Thanksgiving is nigh upon us and as usual with holidays, many traditions come to mind.  And then they quickly leave.  Well, some of them, at least.  My husband and I spent all sorts of time talking about our family traditions growing up, which ones we really cared about, which ones we had different ideas about.  Some were new, but favorites (like going to an amazing French restaurant for Christmas Eve), others had been around forever (like having to wait until a certain time on Christmas morning before we could go downstairs and only open our stockings, and then wait even longer before we could wake everyone else up to come open presents).  Some weren't really traditions, but just how we always did them (like my family never traveled for Thanksgiving and we always had people over who had no family to celebrate with or who couldn't travel home.)

In residency, however, it sometimes didn't matter what our traditions were because we were restricted by the rotation and schedule of that week.  Our new Thanksgiving tradition is to go to Thanksgiving dinner with friends on Thursday, and then have a family meal (whether turkey or not) on the following Saturday when my husband has always had time off to travel or have guests.  

Last year, husband worked Christmas Eve and Christmas Night, so we had Christmas in the morning.  This year, we are traveling for Christmas (something I've never done), since we have almost 2 weeks we're heading to both parents on opposite sides of the country.  Never something I had planned on doing, but that's when we had time off and so that's when we'll travel.  

There's a level of flexibility that we've achieved and we were fortunate enough to have married as residency began so we didn't have any set traditions with the two of us.  That doesn't mean I don't have ideas of how I want certain holidays to go, but I've learned very quickly that it's easier to be flexible and dream of traditions for future days when there's slightly more control (and when my husband's practice can be closed and we can have a 99% chance of an uninterrupted family gathering).  

I think traditions are very important in a family.  They are something to look forward to, they unite the family in repeating activities and events that we all enjoy, and they bring a calm that happens when you know exactly what your plans will be - no surprises.  But I've realized that even more important than traditions is making sure that everything that is important in your life is shared with each other, whether on the day that everyone else celebrates it or not.  So yes, we'll celebrate Thanksgiving with family on Saturday and without turkey.  But we'll be with family.  And we'll celebrate Christmas twice this year, once on December 25th with my husband's family, and once again the following week with my family.  We'll change our Christmas Eve lunch to New Years Eve and it will be just as delicious and so much fun because our family will be together.  

Don't feel too sad about a tradition that has to change.  It might take a few years before you can start it up again.  Instead, focus on your family and the time you get to spend with them (even if it's limited, cherish it).  Be grateful for every moment.  

I love my husband...

...when we're stuffing our faces full of good food, together.

-Rachel C. 

How to Support Your Husband

Your Dr Husband walks through the door after a ridiculously long twenty-hour shift. He looks drained physically and emotionally. After changing his clothes he plops down on the bed and breaks down in tears. What do you do? How do you help him when you don't even really understand what it is he is going through?

That was me. Those were my thoughts. It was his second day of residency and he had already worked thirty-six hours. I didn't even think that was legal (turns out that hour limit is actually averaged over a month... and people don't really follow it anyway). He was on his surgery rotation. He hates surgery, even in medical school he hated surgery. So not only was he on his least favorite rotation, but it turns out that first week was the worst the hospital had seen in years. His very first day a foreign family was brought in from a car accident. Five of them, a grandmother and grandfather, mom and dad, and fourteen year old boy, none of which spoke English. Although all five were seen by the surgeons, the grandmother and the boy were in the only ones in critical condition. After some tests, Dr. Barton was concerned that something was terribly wrong with the grandmother as she couldn't feel anything below her shoulders. He took his concerns to his attending, but was told it was just from shock.

Day two of residency. Dr. Barton arrives at the hospital for rounds and the boy starts crashing shortly after. They take him in to emergency surgery where they had to remove half of his bowels only to find that there was nothing else they could do there. They had to life flight him, still open from surgery, to a more specialized hospital two hours away. Not long after that ordeal, a new attending was assigned to the grandmother's case as the first one was going on vacation. The new attending looked at Dr. Barton's notes and performed the same tests. He too was concerned so he called the neuro surgeon (who had cleared the patient the previous day) and had it confirmed that she also needed emergency surgery. It turned out that her spinal cord had been swelling the entire time. Dr. Barton had been right, but nobody listened to him. How does a doctor who has been practicing for over thirty years and an experienced neuro surgeon miss something a first day resident recognizes? How, as a first day resident, do you tell your well-practiced superiors that they're wrong? On top of all this, Dr. Barton had to tell her that because they hadn't caught the problem earlier, that she would be permanently paralyzed. He was devastated, frustrated, and demoralized and I didn't know how to help him. I mean, this kind of stuff only happens on TV. If we were living in  Grey's Anatomy then I would know what to do: grab some alcohol and dance it out. But this isn't a TV show, and we don't drink alcohol, and Dr. Barton didn't seem like he wanted to dance anything out. So what can you do? When your husband comes home beat mentally, physically, and emotionally what options do you have in supporting him?

Warning: what you are about to read will likely infuriate you if you consider yourself a feminist. But honestly, just our blog title alone probably would have deterred you before you even made it to the actual content. (Here's a hint for you, it's meant to be kind of ironic. not quite the word I'm looking for....) I have always had a hard time with gender stereo types. My parents always made sure we knew that the only thing that really made girls different than boys were our body parts. While my mom was a stay-at-home-mother for my early years, she returned to work and school when I was thirteen and my youngest sibling was three. My dad became the stay-at-home/self-employed parent. My mom didn't craft, wasn't into make-up, and never did our hair. My dad made our Halloween costumes, tended to the children, and taught me how to cook. In our religion this was not the norm, but I liked it.

Before my husband and I were married we had many strong discussions... okay fine, arguments, about what my eventual role as wife and mother would be. I envisioned myself more like my mother, working in a job outside of the home, and he hoped I would be like his, staying at home even when her own children were all in school (and moved out). He supported me finishing school, but then he pictured me staying at home all Suzy Homemaker like raising children and enjoying housework. Well, I also saw myself raising children, but once they were old enough to be in school I wanted to start teaching... and I hate housework. To be completely honest with you, four years and two kids later things haven't really changed. I still hate housework and would love to one day teach, and he's still holding out hope that I'll be home to make lunch for our kids and their friends when they're in high school. HOWEVER, I have come to realize that for now, in the time of life and situation we are in, the best way I can help my children, my husband, and yes, even myself, is to embrace that Suzy Homemaker roll to the best of my ability. These are the things I found help my man the most (in no particular order).

1 - Don't dump things on him as soon as he arrives home.

I know it's been a long day with the kids and you just need a few minutes to go to the bathroom without little people screaming and pushing those chubby little hands under the door. I know you want to tell him all about your day. I know there's that honey-do-list that has been put off again and again. It's hard, but give him time to decompress, away from the chaos of lovely children, not having to pay attention to anyone but himself. If it's been too hard of a day for you and you can't manage that, give him a warning before he comes home. There have been quite a few times I've sent a text saying something along the lines of, "two year old melt down, eighteen month old teething with all four molars, mommy PMSing and about to lose it. Take time to yourself before you come home cause I need you all here once you come home." Most of the time he comes home right away ready to help because he knows I need it, but on occasion he's taken a few minutes to either just drive around or grab a special treat for himself because after a crazy day he isn't quite ready for a crazy house.

2 - Try to provide a decently clean, clutter free home environment.

I have found that not only are my husband and children more at ease when the home is relatively tidy, but I am too. As mentioned before, I hate housework with a passion so this one is a toughie for me. However, in talking to some other resident wives we found this to be a common denominator, our husbands are happier when the little time they have at home is spent in a clean home. This makes things just a little bit easier for me. I know that when my man has come home from a stressful day at work, a cluttered/messy house just adds to his stress. Often times this leads to him cleaning up in anger (think pots clanging a little louder than should, cupboards closing a little harder than normal, and that teddy bear he keeps tripping over being tossed across the room) which leads to me becoming defensive and territorial. Maybe these are just some of personality flaws and not a problem that most people have, but a messy home + hard day = contention in the Barton family.

3 - Have nice meals on a regular basis.

This is another one I really struggle with. I used to love cooking, it was relaxing and completely enjoyable, but once I was married and had a real adult life with school, a job, and eventually kids, it became more of a chore. It's so much easier to throw that box of mac and cheese into a pot and call it good, especially now that Dr. Barton is regularly not home for dinner time. Now, when I say have a nice meal I don't mean a candle lit table with four courses (although that might be fun every once in a while), I mean more than those frozen Dino-nuggets from Costco and microwaved peas. I have found that when I get in these cooking slumps it adds strain to the family. Yes, it's not easy, but make the time to have a real meal (even if Dr. Husband will be reheating it whenever he actually comes home).

4 - Let him take time for himself.

You know how you crave that girls night out after a long day with the kids? Well he does too.... just with guys instead. It's tough when you don't see him often to be okay with him taking the time he could be spending with you away, I know, but it is oh so very important for him. He doesn't have to go in to work until the afternoon? Maybe suggest he and a buddy go golfing. A new man-movie just came out and he happens to have the next day off? Let him go with his friends. I promise that when you see him de-stressed and happy it will pay off. Plus, I'm sure he'll recognize and appreciate what you're doing for him and *hopefully* re-pay you later...

5 - Send him encouraging messages throughout the day.

We all like receiving little notes of affirmation and affection and it's especially important when you are spending so much time apart. Hide little notes in places like his white coat pocket. Send him random texts letting him know how grateful you are for all his hard work. One time I set reminders on his phone to go off every three hours with different little love notes on a day I knew was going to be particularly tough for him. Whatever way you do it, let him know that you are proud of him, appreciate him, and love him oh so very much.

6 - Surprise him with a special treat.

There have been a few times when I have had a little something special for him when he comes home. Most of the time it's something small, like his favorite kind of donuts, but sometimes it's nice to do something a little more. I'll leave that up to your imagination.

It's also nice to surprise him with something at work. This is something I like to do for him and the nurses he works with particularly when working holidays. For example: on Independence Day my littles and I made "firecracker cookies" using pop rocks as sprinkles and delivered them to the floor he was working that day; Halloween night we made cupcakes with black and orange sprinkles and cute little Halloween flags on them and brought them to the OB floor in our costumes. I figure that since they (our husbands and their nurses) are giving up the time and fun with their friends and families, we can bring at least a little bit of the fun to them. It helps make everyone happier!

7 - Make sure you listen to him, even if you don't fully understand what he's talking about.

No, I don't know what it's like to deliver a baby through emergency c-section (from the mother or doctor perspective), but I can certainly listen to how hard it was to feel like you failed the mother who had been trying so long to avoid it. I don't really understand what it's like to have someone's life changed forever when nobody listened to you because it's your first day on the job, but I can provide a shoulder to cry on and give a pretty decent hug to help soften the blow just a tiny bit. I don't know what it's like to surgically remove a homemade wooden banana from a man's rectum because it was the only way he felt he could relieve himself sexually and it went a little too far up, but I can definitely listen to the story and laugh about it with Dr. Husband now that the guy's okay. 

8 - Make sure you take time for just the two of you.

It's really easy to plan a bunch of family activities for the little time your man actually has off; however, it is crucial for both of you that you make time for you and him as a couple. Whether that be a special dinner for just the two of you after the kiddos are asleep or making a point of having a date night once a month (or however often you can fit in.... that's about once every 2-3 months for us), just make the time.

9 - Pray for him.

Make it a point to pray for him in both your personal and family prayers. We mix it up a little bit by praying for things like "help Daddy to continue learning," "please help him get the rest that his body needs," "help him know how to best treat his patients," "help us to know how to best support Daddy in all his hard work." If you think about it, there are almost endless needs and ways to ask for those needs to be met. I've noticed that on the days we really make a point to pray for our Dr. Dad, not only does his day seem to go better but we seem to have an easier time with him being gone so much.

10 - Just keep doing your best.

You're doing great! As has been mentioned many times before this is not an easy profession to be in or to be married to, but you're doing a good job. Don't feel like you have to be a master at all of these ALL the time. I'm certainly not. It's hard to keep your man happy and family happy if you yourself aren't happy. Don't get discouraged by all the things you could be doing. Just keep moving along and throw in a little extra on a day you're feeling like you can take on the world.

As I said, many of these things don't come easily to me and go against my semi-feminist views, but I've decided that here and now they need to be done. This might not always hold true or I might learn to love the role and embrace it fully. Either way, this is where I am needed. This is where I can do the most good for my family. This is me now. 

- Clara B. 

Wether you stay at home, go to school, work outside of the home, or a combination of those, what do you do to help support your Dr. Spouse?