I Think My Husband's a Secret Agent

My husband has very odd hours and can never guarantee what time he'll be home.  He talks in code with other 'residents', using abbreviations and names that are clearly conveying secret messages as they have no meaning to me.  He works with these other 'resident's' and they have 'lectures' regularly to brief them all on their cover stories.  He does have medical books that he has to study in order to know the lingo, but there's a secret book somewhere that decodes all those text books full of top secret information.  He comes home and continues to do paperwork which I can't look at (he says it's for confidentiality, but I know I'm just not cleared for that security level).  Some days he comes home physically exhausted, so he must have been battling for good.  He gets calls in the middle of the night that steal him away from me for emergency evil prevention.  When I go visit him, there's a chunk of time, from 2 minutes (meaning he was just down on Secret Level 2 practicing his ninja star throwing) to over an hour (meaning he had to scramble a jet to get him back from an out of town job, or he had to finish off a bad guy before getting to me).  I don't know if I have enough evidence to convince a jury, but I feel pretty sure that my husband is a secret agent.

It's odd not knowing what your husband really does all day.  Everything he tells me about induces clips from Scrubs or House to run through my brain, trying to piece it all together (editing out the over drama of House and ridiculousness of Scrubs).  He talks about procedures and dosages and it mostly flies over my head (though I'm really trying to learn and understand and sometimes I amaze myself with what I remember or already know).  His job is not a 'Take Your Child to Work Day' job.  Or even a "Take Your Spouse to Work Day" job.  It's a - "I do my job and I'll see you at home" job.

I'm a teacher.  I teach privately and I've taught in schools.  There's no hiding in that.  Administration, teachers, students, parents, future students/parents, they all can barge in with no notice and sit and watch you do your thing.  Privately lessons are anything but private for me.  They're in people's homes (mine or my students) with their parents and siblings continuing on their normal lives around us.  They see me teach.  I've never seen my husband doctor anyone.  Except me, and it's typically helping me get a splinter out (though I've decided I prefer doing that on my own).  I can't go visit him and sit in on a patient's visit.  I can't go round with him.  I can't watch him suture someone up in the surgery.  I am blocked from what he does for a living. 

I realize, however, that we do really well, considering I can't relate to what he does all day.  He is open when he can be open and we get some sad and some awesome stories out of it.  He tells me what he needs from me to get through hard things and I do what I can to fill that need.  I do my best to do the things I know he loves (like having food planned and in the makings (if not ready to eat) by the time he comes home, even if it's just leftovers.  I try to be a good wife, like I would be no matter what his profession was.  That covers most of what he needs.  Though my husband is amazing and what he says he needs is mostly my love and for me to be happy.  I've never been angry that I can't know (though I do wonder if I could get a wish from a genie and be a lady bug on his shoulder for a day).  And not having any hostility towards him or his job has made it ok.  So we're ok!  And I'll learn more every day and eventually I'll understand that code he uses and know all the abbreviations and anatomy.  

I know some spouses out there know a lot about the workings of a doctor.  Many are nurses or PA's or other positions that I don't know the name of or don't know exist.  Maybe it's a help to be more informed.  Maybe it's a hinderance to be so familiar with the routines and duties of your spouse.  For me and my husband, we've found it's ok to not know.  The important thing is that we talk, we are honest in our knowledge and feelings and needs and we trust each other in everything we do.  When there is trust and honesty we don't need to fully understand.

I love my husband....

....the secret agent.

-Rachel C.

The Road to Medical School

Since med school application and interview season is upon us, we thought we'd share the few things we learned along that part of our journeys.

My husband and I were married for two years before he started medical school, so I was around for the entire application process.  There are a couple of things that every prospective applicant should know.  After chatting with my husband we thought we'd toss these points out:

1. Grades and MCAT scores are absolutely the most important aspect of your application.  As fun as it might be to believe that your background, extra-curricular activites, personality, yada-yada-yada are going to get you or your spouse into medical school, you might want to pray for a healthy dose of reality.  If you’ve bombed your MCAT and/or really let the ball drop on your college courses, especially the science classes, then chances are you might need to rethink your career choice or retake a couple of things.  It sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but it’s just kind of the way it is.  Medical schools need ways to weed out applicants and minimum GPAs and MCAT scores are the best way to accomplish this.  Every school has a minimum MCAT requirement.  By default, if you don’t reach that score you’re out of luck.  Seriously.  We’ve seen it happen.  I’m not going to say that a great MCAT score is going to make you a great doctor, and a lower one will make you any less of a physician, but if you don’t get into school you won’t be any kind of medical doctor at all.  So, know what an acceptable score is and study, study, study!  Take practice exams, purchase study guides, find a tutor if you need it.  Do what it takes to make it happen.  You can do it!  Tips for spouses: I get wanting to spend as much time as possible with your spouse, but try to be okay with them studying a lot.  The best thing you can do is be supportive, even when it’s hard.  Encourage them often.  Act interested when they ramble off information and jargon that means nothing to you.  If nothing else, it will be good practice for the years to come.
2. Consider applying as soon as you can.  My husband recommends this for nothing else than your own peace of mind.  We knew of interviews and acceptances early on, so it really took some of the stress out of the equation.  Once he got that first acceptance letter, he was a little bit more calm about the whole thing.  Sure, there was still a school he really wanted to get into but finding out that he had an in somewhere was reassuring on so many levels.  Tips for spouses: Be prepared to do a lot of proofreading.  Part of the application is a personal statement, and this is kind of a big deal.  It gives the admissions board the chance to see who the applicant really is, so help your spouse make this part as perfect as possible.  Try to have an eye for detail when going over the other parts of the application.  Trust me.  It will help your spouse so much if they don’t have to worry about tackling this on their own.  
3. Be financially prepared.  From the cost of taking the MCAT and submitting applications to paying to travel to interviews, the price tag associated with getting into medical isn’t exactly easy on the pocketbook.  For a couple of college kids it might be tough to manage, so my best advice is to budget a little bit better and try to look ahead.  There isn’t really a sure way of knowing how many interviews the applicant will have or how many they will need to go to.  My husband traveled to a handful of states, and even went back to one school for a secondary interview (which was weird), and after travel and hotel accommodations, I was grateful that we both had jobs and scholarships.  It can be expensive but there isn’t really a way around it.  This is all just part of playing the medical school game.  Apparently it costs a lot of money to become a doctor.  
4. Don’t take yourself too seriously.  My husband might very well be the most humble man I’ve ever known.  He’s not one to talk about the things he has accomplished or brag about how well he has done in school.  From his point of view, he’s just blessed.  He works hard but understands what an opportunity it is for him to even be where is today.  He doesn’t take it for granted.  He knows he’s fortunate, and part of that is because he doesn’t take himself too seriously.  He never has.  Having this mindset will come in handy for years down the road.
   
   
   And remember, there is reason to find joy even in the most challenging of times. Keep perspective and enjoy the journey.

   
   M. Quinn

   
   

   _____________________________________

   
   

   Just like M. Quinn, my husband and I were married a couple of years prior to starting med school. I was very overwhelmed by my husband's dreams of becoming a doctor, and about the process of getting there. He completely took charge though, spending lots of his time and energy on researching schools/locations, talking to advisors, shadowing doctors, writing different versions of his personal statement, and strengthening his resume. But I know for some of you this goal is something you're working on right along with your spouses. Here are some things to add to the above list:

   
   

   1. Categorize.

   When your spouse is preparing to send applications, make a list of all the schools and rank them by "top", "middle", and "lowest" choices. When those secondaries start coming in, you can better keep track of which ones you're still really serious about. If you've already returned a good number of secondaries from the schools in the top two sections, or even received some interview invitations, then you could start letting go of your very lowest choices. Save yourself the $75 if you know that school is at the bottom of your list and you are farther along in the process with your higher choices. p.s. Don't apply to schools you know would not work for you and your family. It the school/program/education looks iffy or it's in a location you know you would absolute hate, don't apply! There are lots of other choices.

   
   

   
   

   2. Getting in somewhere is what matters.

   I know, I know, some of your husbands would be offended to hear this. They probably have high hopes of getting into that big-name school - the one with the great reputation that would open any door he wants. That's really great if he has the ability to get into "that" one! But for us it was not realistic. My husband did pretty well on his MCAT score and his grades were good (although not the best), so like I said, we were being realistic. But if your husband gets in anywhere, that is HUGE!! Celebrate! Even if it's a school that was lower down on your list, and not the one you were hoping for, your husband is still going to become a doctor. He is still going to get those letters at the end of his name. ;) 

   And remember that the Lord is ultimately in control of this journey and He will put you where He needs you.

   
   

   3. Realize NOW the time commitment this will mean.

   I suggest that you start NOW to prepare yourselves. Your spouse will not be home for any meals with you once school starts. Saturdays won't be "family days" or "get-stuff-done-together" days anymore, and you will have to choose pretty quickly how you want your sundays to go as well. Studying or no studying on the sabbath? If he does come home for dinner on the weekdays, then it will be quick and he will be right back to studying for hours afterwards. Prepare yourself emotionally for this. Your attitude will affect your husband so much more than you may realize. He will have to hit the ground running when school starts, and he will be overwhelmed. So do what you can to gear up for this yourself, as his main cheerleader.

   
   

   Good luck!

   
   

   -F. Nightingale

   
   
   ________________________________
   
   My husband and I started dating two months before he took the MCAT and married just before he started medical school, so my experience was a little different than the two before me. Here's what I learned in that process.
   
   
   
   1. While you are a team, this time is really about him and his needs. 
   This is particularly true if there aren't children involved and you're not needing to consider things such as schools and extra-curricular activities offered. The most important factor in deciding where to go is his education. If he doesn't feel a school fits him well but it's in your dream living location, be prepared to sacrifice that dream for his benefit. Medical school is hard enough as it is, he needs to be somewhere he loves. This doesn't mean you have to sacrifice absolutely everything, you are a team and your needs should be taken into consideration too, just be prepared to make some big sacrifices if it will make school better or easier. 
   
   
   2. Spend as much time together as possible. 
   I was not prepared for the amount of time I would be spending alone while my man was studying more than humanly possible. He did study a little more than some of his classmates so I saw him less than some of my friends saw their husbands, but still, you aren't going to have the same life or time you probably do now. Take advantage of this time while you can. 
   
   
   3. Be prepared to be married to a different man. 
   This isn't something I realized until just recently, probably since our entire married life was med school, but the strenuous work and crazy hours takes a real toll on him. My husband carried around this extra stress all the time, even on breaks, and it changed him. He was still amazing and more than I had ever dreamed of, but he was different. It wasn't until after a recent week long "guys trip" where he was completely unplugged from the world when I have and heard my Pre-med man again. It took me off guard as I was completely shocked by the significant change.
   
   I was recently talking to another medical wife friend and before I said anything about my recent experience she asked me if this process had changed my husband as it had hers. This is a universal thing. It has to be. With all that our spouses go through they couldn't possibly stay the same person. In many ways this change is a great thing. My husband has become even more kind and service oriented which I didn't think was possible. And in other ways they changes are a little more difficult to deal with. With that, you will change too. It's just the nature of time and experience. Never stop learning about each other. Get to know the new person who comes home to your family and let them get to know you. Pretending that everything is the same will only add an unnecessary tension and misunderstandings.
   
   
   4. Once you know where you will be going for school start making connections and learning about your new location. 
   This is something I wish I had done better. When we arrived at school I didn't know anything about where we were living and so I didn't know what to do with myself in my spare time. We had moved to a big city and I hadn't prepared myself for that change, I was terrified to leave my house. Know what there is to do and what places are safe before you go so that you aren't spending the first month there cooped up. 
   
   
   I am one of those people who have to make a conscious effort to put myself out there and make friends. I didn't do this when we started school and it made things a thousands times harder. If possible "meet" people who will be going to school with you on-line before you get there so that you already have some connections. If that isn't an option, be sure to put yourself out there early and find a group of people who understand what you're about to go through and can support you through it. It is absolutely paramount to making it through medical school not only alive, but happy. 
   
   
   This is not easy, but that doesn't mean it has to be horrible. You and your family will find things that work for you. Remember the reasons you are there and you should be okay. You can do this!
   
   
   - Clara B. 
   
   
   
   

The Most Important Work

Residency. Is. Hard.

I'm just putting it out there very first because it's the honest truth. It's best just to accept it, try not to dwell on it, but rather "gird up your loins", so to speak! Medical school was tough as well... but I have been tried more and come to lower points during residency than I ever did while my husband was in school. I know this sounds dreary, but stick with me here...

When I heard from other wives ahead of us in this journey, they would try to warn me about the 80+ hour work weeks and life as a single-mom. They would try to warn me about the financial situation and the reality of living on LESS than we did while we had student loans paying our bills. They would say "If you need to buy anything (such as new clothes, new TV, go on vacation, etc), get it out of your system during med school because you won't be able to do that in residency." Well, guess what? They were right! 

My husband earns just enough money a year that we can't apply for government assistance programs... and yet we barely have enough to squeak by each month. Savings? What's that?! Thankfully, we have no credit card debt, only one car payment, have a pretty low rent, and we try to be very careful with our money. We are budgeted down to the very last diaper and banana. Surprisingly, a few things that I can rarely ever afford to work into my grocery cart are tissue boxes, any cut of beef, and more than the single bottle of apple juice a week for my kids. It's an interesting balance each week, and boy do I miss having tissues in my home. TP just is not the same when you have allergies! Am I right? I will write another day about the cash envelope system we use in our home and how incredibly helpful it has been! But for today I wanted to share with you the three things that have helped me to not only survive residency but to find happiness amidst the trials. 

President Harold B. Lee said :

"Happiness does not depend on what happens OUTSIDE of you, but on what happens INSIDE. It is measured by the spirit with which you meet the problems of life." 

#1: Morning and evening prayer. 

-If I am able to center myself before I have to go upstairs to get my two crazies out of bed and start my long, 12+ hour day as a single parent, then I find myself in a much better place to do so. Reporting my day, concerns and struggles to a loving and all-knowing Father in Heaven is one way I am reminded that I'm not alone in this. In return, He blesses me with a calm spirit and more compassion towards my sweet little ones during the trying moments.

#2: Priesthood Blessings.

-A few months ago I hit the lowest point so far in this journey. I was resentful, unhappy, exhausted, frustrated with my husband and my kids, frustrated with myself for being so frustrated, and feeling dangerously close to giving up. I asked my husband for a blessing (which is also something you can ask of a Home Teacher, Bishopric member, or friend/family member who holds the Melchizedek Priesthood). I was hesitant to receive one at his hands because ... well, I was in a bad place, to be honest. I was upset with him for making this life OUR life. But as he spoke the words that I know came from Heaven, I was humbled, strengthened, and ultimately saved from the dark place I was in. Boy, did I need it. I have since then used that experience to keep me grounded to what's important: my husband, my children, and most of all my spiritual well-being. If I am struggling, then my whole family struggles. Priesthood blessings can be given and received ANYTIME you feel you need it. Use that divine tool!! That's what it's there for. 

#3: Remember who you are!

-Ours is a divine and sacred calling. We are mothers to spirit children who were saved for this latter-day! We are the sole caretakers, teachers and examples to these precious spirits. The adversary wants us to feel down, resentful, unhappy with our lot in life, and for our homes to fall apart. We are in partnership not only with our husbands in our parenting roles, but also with our Father in Heaven. He wants us to turn to Him if we are struggling with this divine calling. He can strengthen us when we feel we're at the end of our rope ... and he can also help us to find the JOY again if we have misplaced it.

So, to all you "single" mothers who know the ups and downs of this beast we call residency (and medical school), hang in there. Look inward and see if there is an imbalance in your spiritual well-being. Spend some quality time on your knees, ask for a blessing from those who have proper authority, and focus on the importance of your own important work. I promise that you will come out stronger, happier, and more able to support your husbands as they continue in their work.

-F. Nightingale

Paging Dr. Barton

Today was a pajama day. It started out like most other pajama days snuggling with my girls in bed while watching Curious George and The Magic School Bus. I'm not entirely sure what triggered the fight, Monkey probably sat on the blanket wrong upsetting Princess, and (as usual) it just escalated from there. Next thing I knew Princess was screaming and covering her eye; my little Monkey had scratched Princess' cornea badly enough that I could see it without my glasses on. I quickly called Dr. Barton since I had no idea if this warranted a trip to the clinic or ophthalmologist. Luckily he's on a fairly easy rotation this month and was actually able to answer my call. After a few questions that I didn't really know how to answer we decided that she was probably fine but that I should bring her in so that he could check her out, just in case. Shortly after hanging up I received a text saying, "you need to come now. We have a lecture that starts in 20 minutes."

Twenty minutes?! It's pajama day! I can't go in to the clinic with me and my two girls still in pajamas at noon! I frantically start throwing outfits together, pulling shirts on, making sure my pants don't have jelly stains from yesterday's sticky little lunch hands, when Monkey decides it's the perfect time to fall off the bed. Consoling her the best I can while wrangling pants onto squirmy Princess I finally have us dressed with ten minutes to load the car, drive to the clinic, and be seen by Dr. Barton before he has to be at lecture. I buckled both girls in the car (without any shoes on Monkey, who has time for shoes anyway?!) and start backing out of the garage.

Now, I've always wished that life came with background music. So many problems could be avoided if you could hear the eerie tension building music signifying that something is about to go drastically awry. Happy moments would bring far more sappy tears with music swelling with emotion. Today, my wish came true. As I was pulling out onto the street The Piano Guys version of the Mission Impossible theme song started playing. Perfection. With ten minutes until the lecture started and a six minute drive to the clinic I was on a mission. The background music might have compelled my foot to push on the gas peddle a little harder than I normally would have. We pulled into the clinic as the song was ending.

A man smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer informed me just outside the clinic doors that the clinic was closed for lunch and, that while he had wedged a book in the door so that he wouldn't be locked out, he could not let me in since that would get him in trouble. I reassured him that it would be okay as my husband worked there. After some hesitation he decided it would be okay since I had young children with me. Thank heavens for moral citizens looking out for the health and well being of my family. I texted Dr. Barton to let him know that we had arrived. "I ran to grab food," he texted back, "just wait there." But of course, it's only natural that I would go as fast as motherly possible with two little in tow only to arrive with time to spare and Dr. Barton gone. As we waited in the lobby our conscientious friend who had so generously allowed us inside had also let in four other people hoping to be seen. Dr. Barton finally arrived and took a quick look at Princess' eye. "Well, it's definitely scratched, but it should heal just fine on it's own. She's okay." I'm so glad I went through all of that for something that was okay and would heal fine on it's own.

All joking aside, I am very grateful that I didn't have to wait for an appointment or even for the clinic to open again after lunch to have her checked. I am thankful that Dr. Barton had the time to not only answer my call, but check things out for an overly worried mother. That isn't always the case; we were lucky this time. Now, excuse me while I clip Monkey's nails.

- Clara B.

You're Kind of a Big Deal

Photo Credit: Patrick Denker

If I could give one bit of advice to the spouse of a medical student or doctor in training, it would be to not sell yourself short.  Your role in this endeavor is paramount.  There will be days when you will be so astounded by all that your significant other is capable of.  You will wonder at their ability to juggle it all and feel fortunate that they chose you.  But, please, never forget how lucky they are to have YOU.

I’m not going to call myself an expert on such matters, but I’ve portrayed this student-wife character for a few years now.  More than that, I’ve been surrounded by others in the same stage of life.  I’ve been tossed so much unsolicited advice that I was afraid I would literally slap the next person who told me, “Just wait until…”  I’ve also been given a lot of encouragement, for which I am grateful because let’s face it, medical school is tough on everyone involved.  

And that’s why I’m going to reiterate the importance of you.

You are married to the luckiest man/woman in the world.  Take a minute and bask in the glory.  You deserve it.  Now, to prove my point let’s consider the facts.  Whether you have children or not, stay at home or work, you are the foundation of your family.  You are solid.  You are supportive.  You are a rock star.  You tend to the house, take care of the bills, prepare meals, do the shopping, take care of the kids, maintain the vehicles, etc.  The list goes on and on.  Seriously, you do a lot.  And you might be thinking that it’s no big deal.  There are many others who do what you do and so much more.  But to your spouse, it’s more than a big deal.  Just think: If they didn’t have you they would probably be living off of Kraft singles and frozen burritos.  

I firmly believe that we are all capable of great things if only we believe in ourselves.  It’s hard, though, isn’t it?  When I was a child, I used to fill journal after journal with short stories and sketches.  My grandmother flipped through one of these journals, a soft blue leather bound notebook with a picture of a giraffe on the cover, and inquired gently if I enjoyed to write.  I was all sorts of twisted up, nervous that the contents would be judged as poorly done, but I nodded and tried not to blush.  I’m not entirely sure what my grandmother thought of my adolescent masterpieces, but she smiled, applauded my work, and gave me a sound bit of advice.  “Believe in yourself and you’ll do just fine.”  I’m telling you this because I imagine it would be supremely difficult to be a medical student, but here they are, working harder than ever. Encourage your spouse.  Compliment them often.  Put your faith in them. Brag a little when they deserve it.  They’re going to doubt themselves from time to time.  Help them believe that they will do great on the next exam, or clinical rotation.  Champion them in your eyes and they will follow.  Russell M. Nelson stated in his April 2006 General Conference talk Nurturing Marriage, “As grateful partners look for the good in each other and sincerely pay compliments to one another, wives and husbands will strive to become the persons described in those compliments." Your husband/wife is going to do great things because YOU believe that they can.  Boom!  Domino effect. Imagine if you weren’t there to get it started.

We will all probably look back on these years in amazement at how fast they went by.  But I hope that in the end of it all, we come out understanding that we are more than just “Dr. So-and-so’s wife/husband”.  I mean, really.  We’re a team.  I might not know the first thing about suturing a cut or diagnosing an ear infection but I make a mean cinnamon roll, one that has lifted my husband’s spirits on more than one occasion.  I’ve been told that his degree is as much mine as it is his.  Maybe not quite, but I think I’ll still roll with it.  You should, too.  

-M. Quinn

Meet the Crew

Hello, and welcome to Hippocrates' Housewives! We are so excited to share our crazy lives with you! In many ways we are just like any other wife, but our lives are also greatly affected by the professions our husbands love and devote their lives to, making our roles as wives and mothers a little (or even a lot) more difficult. The four of us are in different stages of our husbands' medical careers, in different locations, and different stages of life, so we hope to cover a broad range of topics and experiences. We are all members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS, often referred to as Mormons) and that plays a HUGE role in our lives. While we will be using nick names and pseudonyms to keep some form of anonymity, here's a little info about who we are and what we're all about.

Clara B. 

I am the mother of two littles, Princess and Monkey, who are a mere sixteen months apart and quite the happy handful. My husband and I have been married for four years. We are in our intern year of Family Medicine residency and just starting to figure out how to deal with the crazy schedules. I love to read, cook, eat (especially Thai and Indian food), play with my family, shop, and dream about my "one day home."

M. Quinn
While it's true that there are so many remarkable women in medicine, it seemed fitting that I choose a fictional character as my pseudonym.  I am, after all, married to a 'doctor for pretend'.  That's sort of where our story lies at this point in our lives.  My husband has yet to earn those fancy letters that will soon adorn his name and until then, I will probably be sharing bits and pieces of how medical school impacts our day to day.  We have been married for 5 years and have two crazy-adorable daughters.  I love to read, play softball/basketball, and spend time with my family.

Rachel C.

I am the still fairly new wife of a sexy doctor.  We married 5 days after he graduated med school and are now in our 2nd year of Family Medicine residency.  I try to balance being a newly wed, going back to school for a 2nd degree, orchestra rehearsals, teaching lessons, and a church calling in addition to the things I love in life, like crafting (lots of sewing), swimming, reading, spending any quality time with my husband, making food for our family of two and looking at Pinterest to find ways to spruce up our fixer-upper house.  Sometimes I'm more balanced than others!

F. Nightingale
At this point in our journey, it feels like Medical School and Residency have completely defined my whole life, as a wife and mother. We have been married for 7 years, had 2 kiddos during med school, and I'm currently supporting my husband in his 2nd year of Pediatric residency. Those roles of wife and mother are incredibly important to me but they also can feel so massive some days that I don't have room to do or think about anything else. Even though it can be challenging at times to "ride on the coat tails" of my husband and his many dreams, I'm also finding that being on this road has been incredibly rewarding as well. I enjoy baking, reading, blogging, crafting, socializing with other moms, and watching my favorite movies (especially when my husband is away on his night shifts). 

Welcome!

Welcome to Hippocrates' Housewives! We're still in the process of setting things up, so bear with us. We hope to have everything up and running within a week or two, come back and see what "nuggets of wisdom" we have in store. In the mean time, go ahead and follow us so that you'll be updated when the posts start rolling in.