Childless Living: A(n Un)Persuasive Essay, by Rachel C. - Grade 19

A few weeks ago I was snuggling with my husband on the staff room couch, watching television and snacking on some treats I had brought for him for his night shift.  It was late, 10, 11ish.  Another resident came in and was instantly extremely jealous of our PDA.  He mentioned how he'd love to have his wife come visit him, but they'd have to get a babysitter to watch their three kids.  I felt a little guilty and sad (though I didn't stop snuggling with my husband).  I decided later that night that it would be smart for residents to live in some sort of communal housing.  It would help us all get to know each other better and become close with the other spouses and residents outside of work and official residency planned activities.  It would also provide the opportunity that the other resident (and his wife) doesn't have right now: a little bit of free time.  Communal housing makes for easy access to live-in babysitters to rotate through.  I know it won't happen, or at least not in a time frame where it will apply to me, but it added to some of my recent thoughts; mainly, the pro and con (just one of each!) of being a childless resident couple.

I like starting with bad news first so I can finish strong with the good.  Therefore, I present to you the con of being childless...

It's really one point.  At the beginning of our first year, one of the 3rd year spouses told us what I thought was great advice - "Plan your days like your spouse can't be there, then when they can't make it, it's not a disappointment.  Or if they end up coming, it's a great day".  I liked that idea a lot.  For me, it mostly applied in terms of when he was coming home, and to never expect him at a certain time.  It definitely helped in those first few months.  But there wasn't much else I could apply it to, and here's why.  We are a family of 2.  When you take away one of us, it leaves one.  That's not a family.  That's a lone person.  When I'm planning a nice family meal, if he can't make it, it's a lonely meal.  Trying to set up family home evening (a weekly family gathering where we have a spiritual lesson, activity, singing and usually treats to end it all), if he's not there, it's personal scripture/Bible study and sudoku on my phone for the activity.  When he's not there, it's no longer a family activity.  It becomes me on my own, doing things (and being ok doing them alone), but it's not family night, and it's not family dinner.  Not having kids means I'm alone if he's not there.  With kids, I could still hold family home evening, have the activity and games, sing with other people, not say all the prayers myself.  There'd be kids to talk to at dinner, days to hear about, people to bond with, helping hands for preparing and cleaning up.  But my husband is my entire family.  I depend on him and without him I am alone.  I think the hardest time I have being a family of 1 is at church.  The congregation I attend is lovely and I know people and I sit near people and I talk with people.  But my husband and I are very guilty of cozying up in church and to sit on those benches in Sacrament meeting (our hour long weekly worship service) and in Sunday School is very lonely without a family to cozy up to.  

But let's move on to happier things, shall we?

Once again it's mainly one point...flexibility.  Though I do have classes and homework and practicing and teaching to do, the only schedules I have to align are mine and my husband's.  No soccer or band or play dates or nap times to work around.  As mentioned earlier, my husband was on nights, I had my night free, I brought him snacks and stuck around for an hour or two.  I knit a scarf when keeping him company on an OB night shift.  We can meet up for lunch with 5 minutes notice because I don't need 20 minutes to wrangle the kids into shoes and jackets and the car.  The only melt downs I have to deal with are my own, and they're getting shorter ;)  I can sit for an hour as I wait for him to have 3 minutes to grab 5 bites with me when he's in the ER and I don't have to try to entertain children in the common waiting room and then explain to them why daddy can't stay longer.  When he's running late, I can hold dinner off.  I can plan to eat at 6 with him one night and 9 the next because that's his schedule.  I don't have kids that need to have dinner so they can go to sleep, or that need a full meal instead of cheese and crackers.  I can stay up late to wait for him when he gets off at midnight for a week and I don't have to be up at 6 or 7 getting kids ready for school.  I can make my schedule work around his.

Please don't think I dislike children.  We are so excited at the prospect of being parents someday, whether during residency, a possible fellowship, or beyond, that's not altogether in our hands.  I am just recognizing the blessings of time and opportunity that we have because we don't have children at this stage in our lives and we are taking advantage of those blessings while we can.  That's really where the focus is, taking advantage of every opportunity to be together, to grow, to share, to bond with each other.  We'll do it when we have children as well, but I believe (based on what parents have told me) that it's easier now.  So whether you're alone or have 5 kids to love and adore, take advantage of the time when the doctor's in the house or has a spare moment.  As President Uchtdorf said - "In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e"

I love my husband mostest...

...when we're snuggling the closest

-Rachel C.

Busy Kiddos = Happy Mommies

During medical school, a fellow student-wife introduced a whole group of us student-wives to an incredible tool which has truly been a blessing for me, an overworked mommy (I mean, aren't we all?!). This is by far one of the greatest ways to keep your kiddo occupied and happy. It's inexpensive, simple, will last for years, keeps them away from the TV, helps them learn, and there is an unlimited supply of options to add to your collection! 

Did I get your attention?...

By the time my first baby was around 15-18 months old, it became very apparent to me that if I could just keep her occupied for 5-7 minutes straight, I could get LOADS of things done! Unload the dishwasher, start dinner, get a few rooms picked up, or simply put my feet up for a few quiet minutes. I know all of us mommies know how impossible it can feel to have any moments away from our little shadows without turning on the TV. Cleaning a toilet is NOT easy to do when you have curious little hands wanting to touch and get into everything while you're covered in bathroom germs. Yuck. 

But HOW in the world can we get those priceless minutes of an entertained child? Two words that will change your life:

Busy Bags

The idea is that you put together an activity (mostly by hand using fun, cost-friendly materials) that will keep your child occupied while learning something new. It could be super simple for a toddler, such as helping them with their hand-eye coordination, maybe introducing them to colors... or help preschool-aged children learn letters, numbers, patterns... or something fun for elementary school aged kids. These are activities that can be re-used over and over so you're not having to replace any of the items after each use. They should also be small and able to fit into a gallon sized ziploc bag, in order to keep them organized and protected. 

It's definitely do-able for any of you moms out there to start making one bag at a time for your own child(ren). I'm sure you already have some activities or games or printables you've previously put together (FHE games? church bag activities? preschool co-op lesson helpers?) which you could easily laminate and put into a ziploc baggie. But one of the most genius ways to start your own busy-bag collection is to organize a group of interested friends and do a Busy Bag Exchange! This is the most cost-effective way to build up a good amount of activities for your own family. 

Think about it... if you have 5 friends who are interested, and you each work on 1 activity... each making 5 total copies of that activity... then you exchange... you have only spent a few dollars and in return have 5 bags of fun, instructive games for your child! What if you had 10 friends? What if you each made 2 busy bags (one for toddlers, and one for preschool aged kids)? Say you spend about $1 on each bag when all of your materials are purchased? That comes out to be 20 busy bags for your kids to play with for only the $20 you put into your own materials! 

The very best source (in my humble opinion) for information on putting together busy bags, looking for cute ideas of what to make, and a great how-to on organizing an exchange, please go to this site and look over the 3-part post on that website. It's absolutely worth it! Just start small if it seems overwhelming at first. And make sure to stress the importance to everyone involved that they need to keep their own costs minimal if they want it to be cost-effective for themselves. Some activities have materials that can be pricey ... so be choosy when finding "the one" you'd like to make yourself. Another great source is, of course, Pinterest. Simply type in "busy bags" and you'll instantly find a gazillion options. 

My own children, especially my oldest (now 4 years old), ADORES these busy bags when I pull them out. She calls them "games". She can learn, create, explore, test her own knowledge, and stay busy all on her own for small periods of time. Some of them are messy (dyed noodles or rice) and I only pull those out when I'm feeling extra generous and I'm willing to stay close-by ... but the rest are easy to transport, easy to pull out, easy to hand over into her anxious hands! They are wonderful and are such a blessing on those days that I just need her to stay occupied for a little while so I can have some peace. ;)

If you have any questions, please feel free to reply to this post and I'd be happy to help with any tips or guidance!

-F. Nightingale

You Are Not Alone!

In medical school, residency, and some practices we don't have the luxury of our husbands holding a nine to five job. We can't count on Saturday being a family-fun-day. We can't promise our children that Daddy will be there Christmas morning to open presents, or to watch them blow out their birthday candles, or cheer them on at their first dance recital. We can't plan on everyone sitting at the dinner table talking about what happened that day. We can't count on having some pillow talk and cuddle time. Our husbands are tied down to books (studying for the umpteenth hour), at the beck and call of a superior, saving lives. It can be lonely, but I'm here to tell you that

I know what it's like to spend only an hour  all day with your husband as he shovels dinner into his mouth before leaving to study... again. I know what it's like to lay on your couch longing to have someone to cuddle up to while watching a movie. I know what it's like to sit in a silent apartment flipping through channels until he walks through that door, utterly exhausted, at 2 A.M. I know the jealousy of staying at home alone while your friends post pictures of date nights on Facebook and Instragram. I know what it's like to be newly married, in a new state, with no car, no internet, no television, and no friends. I know how abandoned and isolated you can feel.

I know how hard it is waking up with a new born baby every single night by yourself because you know that your husband has to get up for rounds at 4 AM. I know how hard it is to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with little people who can't carry a conversation and an empty seat at the head of the table. I know how hard it is to carry out bath time, teeth brushing, book reading, song singing, and tucking in without a second pair of helping hands for the fourteenth night in a row. I know how hard it is to tell your child yet again that, "maybe you'll be able to see Daddy tomorrow," since he goes to work before they wake and comes home long after they have gone to bed. I know how hard it is to hear a small voice tell you that Daddy isn't coming home tonight because he has to work at the hospital.

I know how discouraging it is when you are home with a sick family and your husband is nowhere to be seen because he is helping other sick families. I know how discouraging it is to receive a text informing you that it'll be "just two more hours"... three hours after he was supposed to be home. I know how discouraging it is trying to keep little ones quite as they play while Daddy tries to sleep since he worked all night. I know how discouraging it is not being able to make plans for the holidays since you don't have any idea what your husbands schedule will be until the beginning of the month. I know how discouraging it is when your husband finally comes home and all he wants to do (and needs to do) is rest and stay in - while you cry inside because you've been stuck at home with the kids all week and had your heart set on that family outing that keeps getting put off.

I know what it's like to have a newborn one week old baby violently shooting spit-up out their nose as your sixteen month old poops on the floor and smears it in the carpet as they walk around while your husband is using his few hours of social interaction at the ward barbecue. I know what it's like calling your husband in tears asking him if he can come home yet. I know what it's like finding out that he can't come help you because nobody remembered to bring plates, cups, or enough hamburger buns and he has been asked to fix their problem before he can help you with yours. I know what it's like bathing your toddler, cleaning your carpet, and bleaching your bath tub while your newborn continues to scream and spit-up no matter what you do to console them.

I know how frustrating it is to watch multiple YouTube videos because your husband hasn't been able to mow the lawn in a while and you want to do it for him but have no idea how to actually start a lawn mower. I know how frustrating it is when even after all the "how tos" you still can't figure it out and have to ask a neighbor. I know how frustrating it is when your doorknob to the garage breaks and nothing you do will unlock it. I know how frustrating it is having masking tape over the doorknob hole for a few days while your husband doesn't have the time to fix the problem. I know how frustrating it is pulling the doorknob apart trying to figure out yourself (since it's been days and your husband still hasn't had the time) what on earth is wrong, trying to piece it back together once all the little pieces are taken out, and only then discovering that a piece is actually snapped off. I know how frustrating it is walking into the hardware store knowing what you're looking for (even if you don't have the exact name for it) and having people look at you funny because you're a woman, with two littles and no man in sight, in a hardware store. I know how frustrating it is to try to figure out all these new pieces and get your door working again.

I know what it's like to feel like a single mom - to have the nurturing, educating, cooking, cleaning, lawn mowing, religious teaching, bandaging, butt wiping, tear stopping, disciplining, grocery shopping, bill paying, house fixing, and emergency handling left to you alone. I know what it's like to wrestle children into clothing, assemble a diaper bag, wrangle everyone into the car, and lug across the church parking lot with bag, baby, and toddler in tow. I know what it's like to sit in the pews trying to keep children quite as you are outnumbered and feeling completely helpless. I know what it's like to have eyes starring, some in annoyance and some in pity, as you drag diaper bag, baby, and toddler out of the chapel because baby is crying and toddler has to go potty for the second time in an hour. I know what it's like to finally have your husband home from school or work only to find out that they have to go home teaching, or to a priesthood meeting, or help yet another family move. I know what it's like to be angry that everyone else seems to get your husband's time while you are silently drowning. I know what it's like to feel guilty for being so selfish when all your husband wants to do is serve. I know what it's like to feel like everyone expects perfection from you because, after all, you are the doctors wife.

I also know that you have probably come to know these things yourself, or if you haven't yet, you soon will. My dear friend, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I know how hard, frustrating, and taxing all this can be and my heart goes out to you. But most importantly your Savior knows how hard this is for you. He understands your frustration. He feels your burdens. He gets it, and He is there for you. He is sending you tender mercies daily; while they may not be obvious, I promise you that they are there. Look for them. He will not leave you alone. 

We know that our husbands are working ridiculously hard and that they love us very much, but this doesn't make our trials any less difficult or painful. Their broken back doesn't make our broken arm hurt any less. This is tough, and it's okay to cry sometimes.

Hang in there!
- Clara B.

Serving Others

The insistent buzzing tugs at my sleeping state of consciousness.  I reach blindly for the nightstand, determined to find the source of the annoying sound.  My hand circles around my cell phone and for an instant I consider not answering before my eyes land on the time.  2:41 a.m.  Late night phone calls usually mean one thing and it isn’t fluffy unicorns and happy endings.  Heart racing, I slide my finger across the screen and rasp out a sleepy hello.  My brother doesn’t bother with formalities and quickly urges me to pass the phone to my husband, who is now awake with a look of confusion on his face.  I do as I’m instructed and listen intently as my husband plays a game of 21 questions.  He mutters something about gas station sushi and food poisoning, and I feel my heart rate slow.  Nothing life threatening.
 

I can’t help but think back to when I first met my husband.  He told me that he planned on becoming a primary care physician with hopes of living in a rural area.  He wanted to practice a broad spectrum of medicine: in-patient and out-patient care, OBGYN, small surgical procedures, pediatrics, etc.  If you aren’t from a small town, this idea might sound foreign to you.  The standard of care is a little different in rural areas.  Not better.  Not worse.  Just different.  Five years later and my husband is close to realizing his dream.  He’s in a spot to get a residency that will train him to be the kind of doctor he's always dreamed of.  And I’m realizing that with that comes a price tag.  I’m not talking about the enormous amount of student loans.  I’m talking about our families and their apparent dependency on his not-yet-doctor knowledge.  I imagine it will only get worse as the years go on.

Just about the time when I get a little frustrated with fielding phone calls because little Alice has a slight fever or my brother’s roommate is suffering from explosive food poisoning, my husband reminds me that there will be times when he might have to make house calls.  I know this, of course, but I’ve never lived it.  I’ve never been married to a doctor.  I try to imagine our future and the naive part of me believes he will work a standard 9-5 day but the realistic part of me knows that won’t be the case. There will be many nights he will be on call for the E.R. or to deliver a baby.  Holidays don’t exist in medicine.  I’m trying to be patient when he gets random phone calls or runs down the street to check out a possible ear infection, but it’s hard.  I keep thinking he should be my husband first, doctor second.  

And then it hits me.  First, before anything else, we should be disciples of Christ.  When we follow Him, we commit ourselves to serving others.  Apparently I need to work on this.  My husband is in a position to help others often.  I should be grateful for that.  I hope and pray that in the years to come, I will embrace it and remember that I’m not falling second to medicine.  Instead, I’ve got a front row seat to witness my husband use the abilities that God has blessed him with to serve others and become a true disciple of our Savior.  

-M. Quinn