Medical School in Paradise

We are very excited to introduce our first guest blogger! We asked our dear friend, Jill Messenger, to write a post about her life as a med school wife in the Caribbean. Here's what she had to say!

Medical School on the island of Grenada (SGU):

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I love St. George’s University (SGU) like I love health insurance. I need it, but I hate it. SGU is giving MY husband (who applied for years and years to get into medical school in the States) the opportunity to fulfill his dream of becoming a physician!!! But sometimes? This school DRIVES ME NUTS!!!! The Mr. just needed to catch a break when it came to applying for medical schools, and SGU was the school that finally gave him one, and we will forever be grateful for it! 

I think medical school in general is a phenomenon that is a mystery. No one really seems to know anything about it unless they’ve been through it. Medical school also seems to invoke a lot of questions, but then tack on the fact that we’re doing it in the Caribbean??? I think it stimulates even more. And although this list will not be all-encompassing, it’ll give you a pretty good idea of what medical school is like in the Caribbean. Well, in Grenada, at least.

*Disclaimer – I’ve been here two years without leaving the island, and know the ins and outs of Grenada PRETTY well (it’s not very big); however, these experiences are my own, and anyone else you talk to may have something completely different to say.

The Good

The Island

·      Hello???!!! It’s a Caribbean Island.

·      Grenada is absolutely beautiful!

·      The UNIVERSITY CLUB POOL!!! (Every Monday and Thursday).

·      The people are friendly and warm.

·      There are so many things to see and do (and the best part of it all??? Most of it is FREE!!!!)! Beaches, waterfalls, pools, forts, snorkeling, boat rides, steel drum bands, CRAB RACES!! (yes… that’s really what I wrote), hiking, tide pools, and watching leatherback sea turtles lay eggs… to name a few.

·      The weather… aaaaahhhhh…. The weather….

·      Sunsets

·      The tropical fruit truly is divine, and if you like fish? There’s nothing better.

·      I feel very safe. Most of the crime that occurs here is theft, and people are VERY respectful of mothers and children.

·      Our house is nice, and a good value for the location.

·      It provides adventure for the adventurous soul!

·      During school breaks? It’s kind of like you have a FREE Caribbean vacation! (Because you’re already here)! :D

·      Life is more relaxed and moves slower.

·      There are a TON of VOLUNTEER opportunities with local charities, orphanages, and school programs.

The Social Life

·      SGU is one of the only schools that has a “Significant Other (SO) Organization.” Anyone who is a spouse, partner, child, etc… can join the SO Organization (for a small fee), and participate in any of the socials and activities. Everyone is so nice!!!! And you all understand each other, because you’re all going through the same thing.

·      For members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there IS a branch located on the island, with a real (tiny) church building, with a HIGH student/student family population in the branch (at least for the time being).

·      The night life is fun, but can be expensive (depending on what you want to do). I’m not a “show up at a bar or party” type of a girl, so my night life consists of eating out at resort-style restaurants. It costs more money, but it SURE IS FUN!

The School

·      The campus is beautiful, well-kept, and on one of the most gorgeous peninsulas on the island.

·      SGU has high expectations from their students (good thing for a Caribbean school reputation).

·      And last but NOT least!!! My husband is going to be a REAL DOCTOR when all is said and done!!!!! (Yes… a real doctor. It’s sad that I have to clarify, but you have no idea how many people actually think that his education won’t “count” because it was done on an island. But yes, he will still be taking the same boards every other physician has to take if he/she wants to practice in America).

The Bad

The Island

·      Even Paradise gets old when you’re here long enough. Island fever is real. A 132 square mile island. You can only go to the same beaches, pools and waterfalls so many times. It’s like being stuck on vacation. Sure… it sounds nice now, but you know you’re always excited to be “home” once the vacation is over. Most students go home during the summer and winter breaks. My family has not left since we moved here almost two years ago! (Until tomorrow! We’re vacationing to ANOTHER island)!

·      Island hopping is NOT cheap! You’d think it would be. It’s not.

·      Grenada is a third-world, developing country. In the words of my brother-in-law, “I didn’t know people really lived like this!” It wasn’t much of a culture shock for me, but I understand that many people experience quite the surprise!

·      Food is EXPENSIVE!!!! Milk is 6 U.S. dollars a gallon, a 1 lb package of strawberries is 8 U.S. dollars. Apples are priced PER APPLE, not per pound. I used to spend anywhere from 200-400 U.S. dollars a month on groceries (family of 5), and now I spend anywhere from 800-1,000 U.S.!!!

·      Meat and cheese prices are outrageous, so we eat a lot of shredded chicken (and add beans) to stretch it out a little.

·      Groceries do not go on sale, so you can kiss the couponing goodbye! BUT… every once in awhile, the yogurt will be expiring “tomorrow”… and then you can get a KILLER deal!

·      On average, the grocery store will only carry about ¾ of the ingredients I need for my recipes. I’ve learned to adapt and modify recipes VERY well, and you can kiss your menu-making goodbye!

·      Luxuries (things you wouldn’t even CLASSIFY as a luxury) are GONE! Carpet, soft toilet paper, good tasting water, a dishwasher, a dryer, variety of food, inexpensive restaurants, fast food on every corner (not that I condone eating at them all the time!), Walmart, Costco, 24 hour DRIVE-THRU pharmacies, customer service, quick service, medical care, to name a few…

·      I once went to a Taco Bell in America that ran out of meat. WHAT???!!! That’s UNHEARD of! Not here. (And no… there’s no Taco Bell)…

·      Mosquitos and bugs.

·      The weather is beautiful (in the Winter) but it provides you with an odd sense of a time warp. You never know what month it is, and Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas.

·      The summer months are HOT and HUMID! Pretty miserable. Most homes do not have central A/C, but a wall unit in the bedrooms that will cost you about 200 U.S. dollars a month if you run it a total of 6 hours a day. YIKES!  

·      Obtaining a work permit on the island is VERY difficult, so if you are a Significant Other looking for work, this is not going to be a good place to find it. Remember, though! Lots of volunteer opportunities!  

·      The island is NOT stroller friendly, and not biking friendly. There are not soccer or baseball, etc. leagues for little kids. Elementary and Secondary schools are high priced for a mediocre education, and there are not “parks” to play in. Basically, if your child doesn’t like to swim, you’re screwed.

The Social Life

·      If you think it’s hard to get away from people you don’t like now, try to avoid them when you live on a little island. It ain’t easy.

·      Want to throw a party? Better make sure you invite EVERYONE or someone’s gonna get hurt.

·      If you are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, be prepared to serve A LOT! The local members are the sweetest and most humble members I’ve ever met, but they still do not understand what it means to hold a calling, and they live on West Indian time. They will most likely be late (if they show up at all) and unprepared. Hence, the majority of the responsibility will fall on your shoulders to get classes started, to teach, etc… (whether it’s your job or not). Both my husband and I hold pretty time-consuming callings.

The School

·      Just because it’s a Caribbean school, doesn’t make it a party school.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Caribbean schools have something to prove, a stigma against them, and in the attempt to rid themselves of such, they must put their students through the “Ring of Fire” AND the “Gauntlet,” all while the American Gladiators are chucking things at you, too. Did I paint that picture well enough for you? J (But don’t get me wrong, medical school is hard EVERYWHERE, not just here).

·      It is advised that the Caribbean Medical School student scores an average of 10 points higher on their board exams than any US Med School student in order to look competitive. Sounds kinda unfair to me.

AND… THE UGLY....

The Island

·      I finally know what it means to be a minority. It sucks. It sounds so cliché, but I really do get treated differently because of the color of my skin, and I HATE it! I get looked at like I don’t belong, I get charged higher prices, I get whistled and hissed at, the list goes on. I HATE RACISM! * But learn their names, and they’ll start to remember you. ;)

The Social Life

·      If there’s REAL drama (which there shouldn’t be because we’re all adults), but if there is… It is NOT a pretty sight. Too close of quarters, and a lot of people stuck in the middle.

The School

·      SGU’s class sizes are just getting bigger and bigger. The Mr. started in a class size of around 600. In just two years, the entering class jumped up to 800!!!!

·      RUMOR has it that there are only 500 or so clinical spots available to 3^rd year SGU students. RUMOR has it that the school PURPOSELY fails out the necessary amount of students in order to get the class down to the right number by the end of the first two years; thus, robbing the “failing” students of hundreds of thousands of dollars by the time they get “dismissed.”

o   I cannot emphasize RUMOR enough.

o   I have heard from a reliable source that this is false, and that the school has plenty of clinical spots available. (But really? Who would admit to this unethical practice?)

o   I’m just saying it’s pretty ironic that the number just so “happens” to be around 500 students every single time the last semester begins.

·      The cheating at this school is RAMPANT!

o   Old exams are passed around like they’re candy. My husband refuses to participate because it’s CHEATING!

o   About 80% of the current exam questions come from old exams. That’s a FREE 80%, from no work of your own!

o   And then, there’s my husband who continues to keep his eyes on his own paper and do his own work, and yet, his 70% will be compared to the 85% the other students are “earning.” It doesn’t seem fair to me.

o   Some people may call him stupid. I call him a man who has integrity.

The Conclusion:

Alright, if you were to look at this list alone, you would think that I hated the island and the school! THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL! I love it here! I tear up thinking about the day that I have to leave. I don’t witness the things on the negative list more than 3 or 4 times a week, but I do witness most everything on the positive list almost every minute of every day.

Sure, things drive me nuts, and sure, I’m going a little stir crazy, but the fact is… Grenada helped shape the person I have become (as well as our family). My children now leap for joy when we have fresh milk in the fridge. Their Santa wish lists consisted of 4 or 5 things… LITTLE things. They scream with excitement for a bag of popcorn. I’m so proud to say they are mine.

I’m so grateful we have had the opportunity to live in Grenada. A place where supply is limited, but gratitude is high. A place where children are not spoiled from their world that is full of plenty. A place that puts life into perspective, and helps you remember the more important things in life.

Even amongst all of the “bad and uglies,” and knowing what I know now, I can honestly say, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

<3… Signing off

Accepting a Helping Hand

As a doctor's wife you have to be independent. There's just no way around it. If you're the kind of person who needs constant attention from your significant other you are going to have to chose between making a change towards independence, absolute misery, or in the worst case divorce. It's a trait that isn't always easy, but absolutely necessary to make it through the long hours your Dr Husband works. However, there is such thing as too much indepenendence.

I have spent so many hours being strong for my husband, so that he didn't feel guilty that he had to study or work late, that I convinced myself I could do this alone. I didn't need neighbors to help watch my kids for a while. I didn't need ward members to invite us over for dinner because my husband was on-call. I didn't need help because that meant I was weak, needy, and pitiful. Somehow I managed to convince myself of this. 

In medical school it was EXTREMELY rare for me to accept any kind of help, yet alone ask for it. Once we hit residency I started to feel a little more comfortable with both the accepting and asking, but only as long as I felt that it wasn't a big deal (like having a friend pick up my oldest from preschool when my friend was already picking up her own daughter and had to drive by my house on her way home anyway). If the service was going to put anyone out in any way I wasn't okay with it. Well ladies and gentleman, the ghost of service present has come to visit and my heart has been changed. 

This past month Dr. Barton has been on a rotation three hours away with only one day off a week. This means he hasn't been home at all since it's just too far to drive here and back all in one day. I didn't think this would be all that much harder than the norm since he isn't around much anyway, but boy was I wrong. 

We were lucky to spend two whole weeks with him at his location since it also happens to be his home town. Grandma and Grandpa's house was a wonderful refuge for all of us, but eventually the littles and I had to head back to our reality of preschool, dance classes, church callings, and a first ever dance recital. It was rough. The littles were mad at me for taking them away from Dr Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa, so I was getting extra attitude from both of them. I came home to find mice had made their way into our garage and eaten my infant car seat that had been stored in there, and we had a good amount of snow dump on us (and this is after living in a warm, snow-less place for the last four years.... and driving a new van that I'm still getting used to.... and living on a hill.... and being in a place that apparently doesn't clear ANY streets when it snows. Can you spell disaster?) 

We returned at the busiest time possible. I had a lot on my plate without all the added chaos and not even twenty four hours after returning home I felt beaten down. That's when the love and tender mercies started pouring in. I found a care package filled with chocolates, nail polish, homemade sugar scrub, and a new book that a friend from medical school had sent to me (since she knew Dr. Barton was going to be gone for an extended time) as I was sitting in the Lowe's parking lot, in between dance classes and the ward Christmas party, waiting for my baby to wake up so I could buy mouse traps. This lead to a flood of tears, in the Lowe's parking lot. Feeling overwhelmed with all the activities on our calendar, cranky children, and the thought of dealing with mice, I could not have opened that act of love at a better time. 

At the ward Christmas party a sister in the ward saw me walk in late and alone with my two girls, made room for us at her table, and then proceeded to help me grab dinner for my girls so that I didn't have to juggle two toddlers and three plates by myself. Santa took the extra time to make my littles comfortable and happy so that we could snap a good picture to send to Dr. Dad. And another ward member rushed to my car to stay with my baby when they saw that after taking both littles out in the freezing cold and strapping them both in their car seats that my oldest suddenly had to go potty and pronto. 

When my girls fell asleep at 6:30 PM and didn't wake up shorty after like I expected them to, I asked a neighbor if she could head over to my house so that I could run to the store to buy ingredients for the Relief Society Christmas breakfast that was the early the next morning. Not only was she willing to do that, but she actually went shopping for me since she had to go to the store anyway.

A friend in the ward had her husband pick-up and drive my van down a slick, steep, windy hill when I didn't trust my snow-driving skills after the first real snowfall of the season. He then went a step further by walking over to our house (a good two blocks in 1* weather) to help me shovel our drive-way. 

Some friends from residency picked me up and took me as their third wheel to the residency Christmas party so that I didn't have to feel awkward going alone. They then stuck around after bringing me home to help me put my kiddos in bed and just talk for a while so that I wouldn't get lonely. 

After it continued to dump snow on us that night, I woke up Sunday morning to find all two feet of snow that had fallen overnight shoveled off my driveway by some Good Samaritan. And when I was under the weather and feeling unable to tackle church, people stepped in without hesitation to fill my callings. 

My visiting teacher insisted on watching my girls for me so that I could have some time to myself to do whatever I wanted. She was also willing to watch them a second day that same week so that I could take some final exams for school. 

There have been numerous other "small" acts that people have done for me in just the short amount of time we have been home and complelty fatherless, too many to add to this already long post. There is no way that I could have done all this without those helping hands and loving hearts. 

I have come to realize that being strong and independent doesn't mean doing it completely by yourself all the time. It means knowing when you do need the extra help, accepting it, and even asking for it, without hesitation. It does not make you weak, it makes you human. People aren't bestowing pity, they are sharing love. Let those helping hands into your home and into your heart. It will make your life so much better. 

- Clara B. 

Time Well Wasted

I don't know about you but I ate the house to the ground this last weekend.  To.  The.  Ground.  No big deal except for the fact that I am becoming increasingly worried that Thanksgiving was a precursor to the coming months.  My husband has reached the homestretch with medical school.  Residency interviews are about over and the months ahead will be spent waiting.  And eating.

I don't really know what to do with myself.  I feel like we are in limbo.  I mean, we know we are moving in less than 6 months.  We just don't know where.  I can't plan ahead.  Looking for houses or apartments feels like a fantasy.  Should I buy the girls a bunk-bed or will we be lucky enough to get a place big enough for them to have their own rooms?  Do I buy this couch or that couch?  Home decor on Pinterest is getting close to ruining my life.  It's nothing but a pipe dream, you guys.  But then I search for deliciously easy recipes.  You know where I'm going with this.  Cream cheese frosting...on a spoon.  Or cinnamon roll.  Whatever you want, really.  Can you say wretched glutton?

So, our family is going on a chicken and lettuce diet.  It started out as a joke.  I'm a believer of portion control.  Go ahead and eat your pizza, just maybe not eight slices.  This chicken and lettuce thing is probably going to kill me.  Or at least my resolve to eat a little healthier.  We'll see which comes first.  Still, no more delicious Pinterest recipes.  No more killing time on the world wide web finding the next greatest cupcake recipe.  I'm bored.  It feels never ending.

Filling the time is getting difficult, especially when I can't fill it with ranch dip or nachos.  We've reached our quota on family movie nights.  Despicable Me has been seen so many times that my daughter built her very own "box of shame" for quiet time.  Try explaining that to people.  The Christmas tree has been decorated and undecorated multiple times.  We've wandered the mall, Target, and Bass Pro Shop so much that I think we are considered "regulars".  I'm running out of ideas so if you've got 'em, help a sister out.  The more skeeball, the better.  Until then, enjoy your delicious food.  I'll be over here eating lettuce and wishing it was a cheeseburger.

m. quinn

Changing Traditions

Thanksgiving is nigh upon us and as usual with holidays, many traditions come to mind.  And then they quickly leave.  Well, some of them, at least.  My husband and I spent all sorts of time talking about our family traditions growing up, which ones we really cared about, which ones we had different ideas about.  Some were new, but favorites (like going to an amazing French restaurant for Christmas Eve), others had been around forever (like having to wait until a certain time on Christmas morning before we could go downstairs and only open our stockings, and then wait even longer before we could wake everyone else up to come open presents).  Some weren't really traditions, but just how we always did them (like my family never traveled for Thanksgiving and we always had people over who had no family to celebrate with or who couldn't travel home.)

In residency, however, it sometimes didn't matter what our traditions were because we were restricted by the rotation and schedule of that week.  Our new Thanksgiving tradition is to go to Thanksgiving dinner with friends on Thursday, and then have a family meal (whether turkey or not) on the following Saturday when my husband has always had time off to travel or have guests.  

Last year, husband worked Christmas Eve and Christmas Night, so we had Christmas in the morning.  This year, we are traveling for Christmas (something I've never done), since we have almost 2 weeks we're heading to both parents on opposite sides of the country.  Never something I had planned on doing, but that's when we had time off and so that's when we'll travel.  

There's a level of flexibility that we've achieved and we were fortunate enough to have married as residency began so we didn't have any set traditions with the two of us.  That doesn't mean I don't have ideas of how I want certain holidays to go, but I've learned very quickly that it's easier to be flexible and dream of traditions for future days when there's slightly more control (and when my husband's practice can be closed and we can have a 99% chance of an uninterrupted family gathering).  

I think traditions are very important in a family.  They are something to look forward to, they unite the family in repeating activities and events that we all enjoy, and they bring a calm that happens when you know exactly what your plans will be - no surprises.  But I've realized that even more important than traditions is making sure that everything that is important in your life is shared with each other, whether on the day that everyone else celebrates it or not.  So yes, we'll celebrate Thanksgiving with family on Saturday and without turkey.  But we'll be with family.  And we'll celebrate Christmas twice this year, once on December 25th with my husband's family, and once again the following week with my family.  We'll change our Christmas Eve lunch to New Years Eve and it will be just as delicious and so much fun because our family will be together.  

Don't feel too sad about a tradition that has to change.  It might take a few years before you can start it up again.  Instead, focus on your family and the time you get to spend with them (even if it's limited, cherish it).  Be grateful for every moment.  

I love my husband...

...when we're stuffing our faces full of good food, together.

-Rachel C. 

How to Support Your Husband

Your Dr Husband walks through the door after a ridiculously long twenty-hour shift. He looks drained physically and emotionally. After changing his clothes he plops down on the bed and breaks down in tears. What do you do? How do you help him when you don't even really understand what it is he is going through?

That was me. Those were my thoughts. It was his second day of residency and he had already worked thirty-six hours. I didn't even think that was legal (turns out that hour limit is actually averaged over a month... and people don't really follow it anyway). He was on his surgery rotation. He hates surgery, even in medical school he hated surgery. So not only was he on his least favorite rotation, but it turns out that first week was the worst the hospital had seen in years. His very first day a foreign family was brought in from a car accident. Five of them, a grandmother and grandfather, mom and dad, and fourteen year old boy, none of which spoke English. Although all five were seen by the surgeons, the grandmother and the boy were in the only ones in critical condition. After some tests, Dr. Barton was concerned that something was terribly wrong with the grandmother as she couldn't feel anything below her shoulders. He took his concerns to his attending, but was told it was just from shock.

Day two of residency. Dr. Barton arrives at the hospital for rounds and the boy starts crashing shortly after. They take him in to emergency surgery where they had to remove half of his bowels only to find that there was nothing else they could do there. They had to life flight him, still open from surgery, to a more specialized hospital two hours away. Not long after that ordeal, a new attending was assigned to the grandmother's case as the first one was going on vacation. The new attending looked at Dr. Barton's notes and performed the same tests. He too was concerned so he called the neuro surgeon (who had cleared the patient the previous day) and had it confirmed that she also needed emergency surgery. It turned out that her spinal cord had been swelling the entire time. Dr. Barton had been right, but nobody listened to him. How does a doctor who has been practicing for over thirty years and an experienced neuro surgeon miss something a first day resident recognizes? How, as a first day resident, do you tell your well-practiced superiors that they're wrong? On top of all this, Dr. Barton had to tell her that because they hadn't caught the problem earlier, that she would be permanently paralyzed. He was devastated, frustrated, and demoralized and I didn't know how to help him. I mean, this kind of stuff only happens on TV. If we were living in  Grey's Anatomy then I would know what to do: grab some alcohol and dance it out. But this isn't a TV show, and we don't drink alcohol, and Dr. Barton didn't seem like he wanted to dance anything out. So what can you do? When your husband comes home beat mentally, physically, and emotionally what options do you have in supporting him?

Warning: what you are about to read will likely infuriate you if you consider yourself a feminist. But honestly, just our blog title alone probably would have deterred you before you even made it to the actual content. (Here's a hint for you, it's meant to be kind of ironic. not quite the word I'm looking for....) I have always had a hard time with gender stereo types. My parents always made sure we knew that the only thing that really made girls different than boys were our body parts. While my mom was a stay-at-home-mother for my early years, she returned to work and school when I was thirteen and my youngest sibling was three. My dad became the stay-at-home/self-employed parent. My mom didn't craft, wasn't into make-up, and never did our hair. My dad made our Halloween costumes, tended to the children, and taught me how to cook. In our religion this was not the norm, but I liked it.

Before my husband and I were married we had many strong discussions... okay fine, arguments, about what my eventual role as wife and mother would be. I envisioned myself more like my mother, working in a job outside of the home, and he hoped I would be like his, staying at home even when her own children were all in school (and moved out). He supported me finishing school, but then he pictured me staying at home all Suzy Homemaker like raising children and enjoying housework. Well, I also saw myself raising children, but once they were old enough to be in school I wanted to start teaching... and I hate housework. To be completely honest with you, four years and two kids later things haven't really changed. I still hate housework and would love to one day teach, and he's still holding out hope that I'll be home to make lunch for our kids and their friends when they're in high school. HOWEVER, I have come to realize that for now, in the time of life and situation we are in, the best way I can help my children, my husband, and yes, even myself, is to embrace that Suzy Homemaker roll to the best of my ability. These are the things I found help my man the most (in no particular order).

1 - Don't dump things on him as soon as he arrives home.

I know it's been a long day with the kids and you just need a few minutes to go to the bathroom without little people screaming and pushing those chubby little hands under the door. I know you want to tell him all about your day. I know there's that honey-do-list that has been put off again and again. It's hard, but give him time to decompress, away from the chaos of lovely children, not having to pay attention to anyone but himself. If it's been too hard of a day for you and you can't manage that, give him a warning before he comes home. There have been quite a few times I've sent a text saying something along the lines of, "two year old melt down, eighteen month old teething with all four molars, mommy PMSing and about to lose it. Take time to yourself before you come home cause I need you all here once you come home." Most of the time he comes home right away ready to help because he knows I need it, but on occasion he's taken a few minutes to either just drive around or grab a special treat for himself because after a crazy day he isn't quite ready for a crazy house.

2 - Try to provide a decently clean, clutter free home environment.

I have found that not only are my husband and children more at ease when the home is relatively tidy, but I am too. As mentioned before, I hate housework with a passion so this one is a toughie for me. However, in talking to some other resident wives we found this to be a common denominator, our husbands are happier when the little time they have at home is spent in a clean home. This makes things just a little bit easier for me. I know that when my man has come home from a stressful day at work, a cluttered/messy house just adds to his stress. Often times this leads to him cleaning up in anger (think pots clanging a little louder than should, cupboards closing a little harder than normal, and that teddy bear he keeps tripping over being tossed across the room) which leads to me becoming defensive and territorial. Maybe these are just some of personality flaws and not a problem that most people have, but a messy home + hard day = contention in the Barton family.

3 - Have nice meals on a regular basis.

This is another one I really struggle with. I used to love cooking, it was relaxing and completely enjoyable, but once I was married and had a real adult life with school, a job, and eventually kids, it became more of a chore. It's so much easier to throw that box of mac and cheese into a pot and call it good, especially now that Dr. Barton is regularly not home for dinner time. Now, when I say have a nice meal I don't mean a candle lit table with four courses (although that might be fun every once in a while), I mean more than those frozen Dino-nuggets from Costco and microwaved peas. I have found that when I get in these cooking slumps it adds strain to the family. Yes, it's not easy, but make the time to have a real meal (even if Dr. Husband will be reheating it whenever he actually comes home).

4 - Let him take time for himself.

You know how you crave that girls night out after a long day with the kids? Well he does too.... just with guys instead. It's tough when you don't see him often to be okay with him taking the time he could be spending with you away, I know, but it is oh so very important for him. He doesn't have to go in to work until the afternoon? Maybe suggest he and a buddy go golfing. A new man-movie just came out and he happens to have the next day off? Let him go with his friends. I promise that when you see him de-stressed and happy it will pay off. Plus, I'm sure he'll recognize and appreciate what you're doing for him and *hopefully* re-pay you later...

5 - Send him encouraging messages throughout the day.

We all like receiving little notes of affirmation and affection and it's especially important when you are spending so much time apart. Hide little notes in places like his white coat pocket. Send him random texts letting him know how grateful you are for all his hard work. One time I set reminders on his phone to go off every three hours with different little love notes on a day I knew was going to be particularly tough for him. Whatever way you do it, let him know that you are proud of him, appreciate him, and love him oh so very much.

6 - Surprise him with a special treat.

There have been a few times when I have had a little something special for him when he comes home. Most of the time it's something small, like his favorite kind of donuts, but sometimes it's nice to do something a little more. I'll leave that up to your imagination.

It's also nice to surprise him with something at work. This is something I like to do for him and the nurses he works with particularly when working holidays. For example: on Independence Day my littles and I made "firecracker cookies" using pop rocks as sprinkles and delivered them to the floor he was working that day; Halloween night we made cupcakes with black and orange sprinkles and cute little Halloween flags on them and brought them to the OB floor in our costumes. I figure that since they (our husbands and their nurses) are giving up the time and fun with their friends and families, we can bring at least a little bit of the fun to them. It helps make everyone happier!

7 - Make sure you listen to him, even if you don't fully understand what he's talking about.

No, I don't know what it's like to deliver a baby through emergency c-section (from the mother or doctor perspective), but I can certainly listen to how hard it was to feel like you failed the mother who had been trying so long to avoid it. I don't really understand what it's like to have someone's life changed forever when nobody listened to you because it's your first day on the job, but I can provide a shoulder to cry on and give a pretty decent hug to help soften the blow just a tiny bit. I don't know what it's like to surgically remove a homemade wooden banana from a man's rectum because it was the only way he felt he could relieve himself sexually and it went a little too far up, but I can definitely listen to the story and laugh about it with Dr. Husband now that the guy's okay. 

8 - Make sure you take time for just the two of you.

It's really easy to plan a bunch of family activities for the little time your man actually has off; however, it is crucial for both of you that you make time for you and him as a couple. Whether that be a special dinner for just the two of you after the kiddos are asleep or making a point of having a date night once a month (or however often you can fit in.... that's about once every 2-3 months for us), just make the time.

9 - Pray for him.

Make it a point to pray for him in both your personal and family prayers. We mix it up a little bit by praying for things like "help Daddy to continue learning," "please help him get the rest that his body needs," "help him know how to best treat his patients," "help us to know how to best support Daddy in all his hard work." If you think about it, there are almost endless needs and ways to ask for those needs to be met. I've noticed that on the days we really make a point to pray for our Dr. Dad, not only does his day seem to go better but we seem to have an easier time with him being gone so much.

10 - Just keep doing your best.

You're doing great! As has been mentioned many times before this is not an easy profession to be in or to be married to, but you're doing a good job. Don't feel like you have to be a master at all of these ALL the time. I'm certainly not. It's hard to keep your man happy and family happy if you yourself aren't happy. Don't get discouraged by all the things you could be doing. Just keep moving along and throw in a little extra on a day you're feeling like you can take on the world.

As I said, many of these things don't come easily to me and go against my semi-feminist views, but I've decided that here and now they need to be done. This might not always hold true or I might learn to love the role and embrace it fully. Either way, this is where I am needed. This is where I can do the most good for my family. This is me now. 

- Clara B. 

Wether you stay at home, go to school, work outside of the home, or a combination of those, what do you do to help support your Dr. Spouse? 

A Road Trip to Interviews

My husband and I have been on exactly two childless vacations.  Both were calm, relaxed, and enormous amounts of fun.  Five years and a couple kids later I find myself staring at him from the passenger seat wishing I had a wrench or something to throw at his head.

We just got home from a 3000 mile, parenting obstacle course, "family vacation" road trip.  We embarked on this journey after my husband had the brilliant idea to apply for residencies in the cities where both his brother and my brother live.  He then scheduled his interviews to coincide so we could spend a little time with their families.  Great idea and I was completely on board.  Until we actually buckled in and hit the road.

About 4 hours in I looked at my husband who was calmly driving, completely unphased by the constant whining and countless amount of questions erupting from the backseat.  And I get it.  Here are our kids, reclining in their safety approved seats equipped with more cupholders than our car, an iPad, two iPods, 37 DVDs, a bag of crappy toys, books, and all the gummies in the world.  It's awful.  When I was a kid the only people who had DVD players in their cars were drug dealers and the kid from Blank Check.  Somehow I managed to survive riding in the car.  And more importantly, my parents came out the other end completely sane.  I can't say the same for me.  I'm still a little numb, to tell you the truth.

My husband, on the other hand, is completely satisfied and happy with the trip.  He got to spend a lot more time with his family, something that is a little bit of a rarity while in medical school.  His interviews went really well and the idea of our future is slowly becoming a reality.  His hard work is paying off.  I'm sure the second his wife starts pulling out her hair or downing Xanax like Smarties he'll feel differently, but for the time being he is glad we were with him for this.

And really, I am too.  In those few hours while our kids slept in the car we got to talk about the programs, go over possible interview questions, and stare at the miles and miles of farms in western Kansas.  While my nerves were wearing dangerously thin, having us there helped calm his. 

We won't be going with him to any more interviews.  That ship has definitely sailed.  But if your spouse is anything like mine, they're going to be a little nervous every time they suit up and head off to make a great impression.  Whatever kind of support you can offer is going to help.  Maybe help book their flights, pack their bag, send a quick text or phone call the morning before the interview.  If they need affirmation, provide it.  If they want you to go with them, well...good luck!

-M. Quinn

Childless Living: A(n Un)Persuasive Essay, by Rachel C. - Grade 19

A few weeks ago I was snuggling with my husband on the staff room couch, watching television and snacking on some treats I had brought for him for his night shift.  It was late, 10, 11ish.  Another resident came in and was instantly extremely jealous of our PDA.  He mentioned how he'd love to have his wife come visit him, but they'd have to get a babysitter to watch their three kids.  I felt a little guilty and sad (though I didn't stop snuggling with my husband).  I decided later that night that it would be smart for residents to live in some sort of communal housing.  It would help us all get to know each other better and become close with the other spouses and residents outside of work and official residency planned activities.  It would also provide the opportunity that the other resident (and his wife) doesn't have right now: a little bit of free time.  Communal housing makes for easy access to live-in babysitters to rotate through.  I know it won't happen, or at least not in a time frame where it will apply to me, but it added to some of my recent thoughts; mainly, the pro and con (just one of each!) of being a childless resident couple.

I like starting with bad news first so I can finish strong with the good.  Therefore, I present to you the con of being childless...

It's really one point.  At the beginning of our first year, one of the 3rd year spouses told us what I thought was great advice - "Plan your days like your spouse can't be there, then when they can't make it, it's not a disappointment.  Or if they end up coming, it's a great day".  I liked that idea a lot.  For me, it mostly applied in terms of when he was coming home, and to never expect him at a certain time.  It definitely helped in those first few months.  But there wasn't much else I could apply it to, and here's why.  We are a family of 2.  When you take away one of us, it leaves one.  That's not a family.  That's a lone person.  When I'm planning a nice family meal, if he can't make it, it's a lonely meal.  Trying to set up family home evening (a weekly family gathering where we have a spiritual lesson, activity, singing and usually treats to end it all), if he's not there, it's personal scripture/Bible study and sudoku on my phone for the activity.  When he's not there, it's no longer a family activity.  It becomes me on my own, doing things (and being ok doing them alone), but it's not family night, and it's not family dinner.  Not having kids means I'm alone if he's not there.  With kids, I could still hold family home evening, have the activity and games, sing with other people, not say all the prayers myself.  There'd be kids to talk to at dinner, days to hear about, people to bond with, helping hands for preparing and cleaning up.  But my husband is my entire family.  I depend on him and without him I am alone.  I think the hardest time I have being a family of 1 is at church.  The congregation I attend is lovely and I know people and I sit near people and I talk with people.  But my husband and I are very guilty of cozying up in church and to sit on those benches in Sacrament meeting (our hour long weekly worship service) and in Sunday School is very lonely without a family to cozy up to.  

But let's move on to happier things, shall we?

Once again it's mainly one point...flexibility.  Though I do have classes and homework and practicing and teaching to do, the only schedules I have to align are mine and my husband's.  No soccer or band or play dates or nap times to work around.  As mentioned earlier, my husband was on nights, I had my night free, I brought him snacks and stuck around for an hour or two.  I knit a scarf when keeping him company on an OB night shift.  We can meet up for lunch with 5 minutes notice because I don't need 20 minutes to wrangle the kids into shoes and jackets and the car.  The only melt downs I have to deal with are my own, and they're getting shorter ;)  I can sit for an hour as I wait for him to have 3 minutes to grab 5 bites with me when he's in the ER and I don't have to try to entertain children in the common waiting room and then explain to them why daddy can't stay longer.  When he's running late, I can hold dinner off.  I can plan to eat at 6 with him one night and 9 the next because that's his schedule.  I don't have kids that need to have dinner so they can go to sleep, or that need a full meal instead of cheese and crackers.  I can stay up late to wait for him when he gets off at midnight for a week and I don't have to be up at 6 or 7 getting kids ready for school.  I can make my schedule work around his.

Please don't think I dislike children.  We are so excited at the prospect of being parents someday, whether during residency, a possible fellowship, or beyond, that's not altogether in our hands.  I am just recognizing the blessings of time and opportunity that we have because we don't have children at this stage in our lives and we are taking advantage of those blessings while we can.  That's really where the focus is, taking advantage of every opportunity to be together, to grow, to share, to bond with each other.  We'll do it when we have children as well, but I believe (based on what parents have told me) that it's easier now.  So whether you're alone or have 5 kids to love and adore, take advantage of the time when the doctor's in the house or has a spare moment.  As President Uchtdorf said - "In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e"

I love my husband mostest...

...when we're snuggling the closest

-Rachel C.

Busy Kiddos = Happy Mommies

During medical school, a fellow student-wife introduced a whole group of us student-wives to an incredible tool which has truly been a blessing for me, an overworked mommy (I mean, aren't we all?!). This is by far one of the greatest ways to keep your kiddo occupied and happy. It's inexpensive, simple, will last for years, keeps them away from the TV, helps them learn, and there is an unlimited supply of options to add to your collection! 

Did I get your attention?...

By the time my first baby was around 15-18 months old, it became very apparent to me that if I could just keep her occupied for 5-7 minutes straight, I could get LOADS of things done! Unload the dishwasher, start dinner, get a few rooms picked up, or simply put my feet up for a few quiet minutes. I know all of us mommies know how impossible it can feel to have any moments away from our little shadows without turning on the TV. Cleaning a toilet is NOT easy to do when you have curious little hands wanting to touch and get into everything while you're covered in bathroom germs. Yuck. 

But HOW in the world can we get those priceless minutes of an entertained child? Two words that will change your life:

Busy Bags

The idea is that you put together an activity (mostly by hand using fun, cost-friendly materials) that will keep your child occupied while learning something new. It could be super simple for a toddler, such as helping them with their hand-eye coordination, maybe introducing them to colors... or help preschool-aged children learn letters, numbers, patterns... or something fun for elementary school aged kids. These are activities that can be re-used over and over so you're not having to replace any of the items after each use. They should also be small and able to fit into a gallon sized ziploc bag, in order to keep them organized and protected. 

It's definitely do-able for any of you moms out there to start making one bag at a time for your own child(ren). I'm sure you already have some activities or games or printables you've previously put together (FHE games? church bag activities? preschool co-op lesson helpers?) which you could easily laminate and put into a ziploc baggie. But one of the most genius ways to start your own busy-bag collection is to organize a group of interested friends and do a Busy Bag Exchange! This is the most cost-effective way to build up a good amount of activities for your own family. 

Think about it... if you have 5 friends who are interested, and you each work on 1 activity... each making 5 total copies of that activity... then you exchange... you have only spent a few dollars and in return have 5 bags of fun, instructive games for your child! What if you had 10 friends? What if you each made 2 busy bags (one for toddlers, and one for preschool aged kids)? Say you spend about $1 on each bag when all of your materials are purchased? That comes out to be 20 busy bags for your kids to play with for only the $20 you put into your own materials! 

The very best source (in my humble opinion) for information on putting together busy bags, looking for cute ideas of what to make, and a great how-to on organizing an exchange, please go to this site and look over the 3-part post on that website. It's absolutely worth it! Just start small if it seems overwhelming at first. And make sure to stress the importance to everyone involved that they need to keep their own costs minimal if they want it to be cost-effective for themselves. Some activities have materials that can be pricey ... so be choosy when finding "the one" you'd like to make yourself. Another great source is, of course, Pinterest. Simply type in "busy bags" and you'll instantly find a gazillion options. 

My own children, especially my oldest (now 4 years old), ADORES these busy bags when I pull them out. She calls them "games". She can learn, create, explore, test her own knowledge, and stay busy all on her own for small periods of time. Some of them are messy (dyed noodles or rice) and I only pull those out when I'm feeling extra generous and I'm willing to stay close-by ... but the rest are easy to transport, easy to pull out, easy to hand over into her anxious hands! They are wonderful and are such a blessing on those days that I just need her to stay occupied for a little while so I can have some peace. ;)

If you have any questions, please feel free to reply to this post and I'd be happy to help with any tips or guidance!

-F. Nightingale