Find (A Professional) Someone To Talk To

I always seem to be traveling and on vacation when I'm meant to post.  I came back home on Wednesday night and promptly remembered on Thursday morning that I was a few days late in posting.  So I figured, what would a few extra days do?  Not too much harm.

This is my thought for the day:  Everyone should see someone at some point.  And by someone, I mean a psychologist (I spelled that correctly all on my own!).  I'm not sure why there was (or is?) a negative attitude towards seeing someone.  It has helped my life tremendously.  I initially started seeing a psychologist when I was in college.  When I moved to be closer to my boyfriend at the time (whom I later married) and then moved across the country for residency, I stopped.  After a year of residency life my husband suggested I start seeing someone again, an idea that I should have considered myself much earlier.

These are my reasonings.

• Everyone has issues.  Everyone has quirks.  Everyone's baselines are not the average baseline.  I knew what some of my quirks were, but I couldn't quite name them all and so they were sometimes hard to live with because they were uncategorized.  Just knowing what my tendencies were helped me to either accept them or to work on improving them.  (Don't forget that some quirks are not things that need to be fixed, but acknowledged and cared for).
• When you get married, you have someone else's quirks to live with.  In my case, my husband is a very different person than I am.  We process things and hold on to things differently.  He doesn't always understand or know how to help.  Talking to someone else (a professional, not just a girl friend) has helped me when my husband isn't sure what to do (though he tries everything he can think of and is so amazing and understanding when he can be and accepting when he can't comprehend my needs.  I love my husband).  
• Speaking of girl friend.  Sometimes the mother/sister/friend you talk to about most issues is actually part of the anxiety in your life and they are exactly the wrong people to talk to.  (I mention anxiety because that's what I struggle with.  Insert your own unique struggle instead).  
• When you are thrown into a new world (of medical school or residency or any medical life), life is hard.  I love that my psychologist is part of the faculty of the residency program my husband is in.  He knows very clearly the kind of life my husband leads and what kind of extra stress and anxiety that can pile on to me.
• It's customizable! To an extent.  Meaning, you can go once or twice to figure out a few things and then work on those, not needing to return for more guidance or help.  You can go weekly, which is where I am at the moment.  Eventually I'm assuming I'll be able to understand myself and prepare myself enough on my own that weekly visits wont be necessary.  Your psychologist may only feel like you need to come in monthly, or whenever you feel you need to figure something out.  You can go alone or with your spouse.
• I don't feel uncomfortable.  I can talk about anything.  If you don't feel comfortable, is it because it's personal things that you're not used to sharing with anyone else?  Or is it because the person in the chair across from you makes you uncomfortable?  If it's the second, look for someone else!  I think of psychologists like teachers.  They have different personalities and approaches to the same problems and yet unlike teachers, if you're not feeling the connection and don't feel like it's the right fit, you can switch.  Transfer out.  If you can't be completely honest with them it's going to be a lot harder for them to help you.
• It's easy to lose perspective.  I doubted myself a lot when I got married and we moved into the residency program.  I was the youngest spouse by a few years and one of the few without children.  Many other spouses/significant others had been together long enough to know a lot about medicine and what their resident was going through (many are actually also involved in the medical field somehow).  I also grew up in a large city and am now living in a small town close by where most residents and their spouses grew up or have family.  I didn't know where I fit in and how to be confident in who I was and what I did and didn't know or like.  I have so much more confidence and perspective now.

I think it's so helpful to be able to talk to someone about everything you're struggling with and for me, it has helped me to strengthen myself so that I don't struggle as much.  That is a great thing, I think, especially for a resident's spouse, and I'm also pretty sure that's the point of seeing a psychologist anyway.  To help you accept who you are and strengthen yourself to be able to live a happy, beautiful, productive life no matter what crazy, horrible, unexpected, unfortunate things are thrown your way.  So think about it.  I highly recommend it.  For anyone.  Everyone, really.  

My favorite thing that I've been learning is to know and trust in myself.  (It was hard when I realized I didn't trust myself.  Slightly terrifying, actually.  It's a new work in progress).  My wants, my dislikes, my capabilities, my knowledge, my self worth, my intellect, my strength, my fears, my dreams, and knowing how to act on those and not on anything that anyone else is saying.  Being true to myself and making sure that I am happy and I am nourished in the ways I need to be (getting in all my creative things, taking time for myself, saying no when people ask things of me) makes me so much more able to take on the hard things that I have no control over (hint back to a month of night float).  

Trust in yourself.  Nourish yourself.  Make sure your decisions are in your best emotional/physical/spiritual/intellectual interest.  That will make life better for everyone around you.

It makes life a lot better for my husband.

And I love my husband.

-Rachel C.

Love and Marriage

Marriage is hard. Period. It doesn't matter who you are, where you live, what occupations you and/or your spouse are in, it's just hard. It may be that difficulties arise often or only on occasion, but every marriage takes work. As with the rest of our lives, medical school/residency/fellowship/being a doctor complicates things. Marriage takes time and effort. That time can be extra hard to come by and (at least in my case) the effort needing extra devotion when in the medical world. 

I have found it all to easy to put nurturing our marital relationship on the back burner. Between crazy work hours, family time, personal time, friends, church callings, and the many other activities that occupy our lives it sometimes seems selfish of me to require time for just me and my man. I find myself feeling guilty that I want to just sit and talk for a long while when I know my husband is exhausted from a long days work. It's easier for both of us to exchange a few words (usually about the schedule for the upcoming days and weeks) and then turn to our various ways of winding down for the night (i.e. shower, Facebook, TV shows, book reading. AKA "me time). Yet, every time I find ourselves in this ritual of marital funk I notice that the other aspects of our lives suffer. Dr. Barton is more stressed at work (is that even possible in residency? Yes. Yes it is), my patience with my girls is minimal, I have less motivation to stay on top of household chores, my kids become more whiny and all-around difficult, basically our lives start to become a mess. Unsurprisingly, when we devote more time to our marriage everything else starts to fall back into place. 

So how do you find that balance and make time for your marriage when your spouse is averaging 80+ hour work weeks? Here are a few ideas that I have found make a difference. 

Try to find some unusual way to serve your spouse each day. Order a pizza to be delivered to the hospital when he's working a late shift, leave him a note in his car, slip a special treat into his white coat pocket. It doesn't have to be big, but it does have to be something out of the ordinary. 

Make time to sit down and talk about things other than schedules, work, and kids. When Dr. Barton and I were dating we would talk on the phone for 3-4 hours every night. Now I honestly don't know how we found that much to talk about. It's certainly a lot easier when you are still learning so much about each other. The thing is, that while I know my husband really well there are still things I don't know! You can always find a childhood story you haven't heard, a pet peeve that you somehow didn't yet know about, a new fear that has developed, or a dream that has evolved. Humans are not stagnant beings; relationships are not static entities. There will always be something new to discover, although it may take some digging. 

(note: after almost five years of marriage I learned today that I had no idea what my husband's favorite ice cream flavor was. How does that even happen?! I guess it's because he's a sweet heart and always buys my favorite instead. Like I said, there always something new to discover.) 

Take time to be just "Us." I don't mean the time you spend snuggling in bed after the kids are asleep. While that is fantastic and definitely needed, I'm talking about time away from everything else. This could happen in the form of a date night, a weekend get away, or a "Mom and Dad" only vacation. Dr. Barton and I have been fortunate this year and last year to do the latter. Even though our time away last year was slightly dampened by illness (both with the kids at home and with is in vacation) and a few urgent care visits, we were STILL able to reconnect as husband and wife. Dr. Barton and I plan on making such trips a yearly occurrence. They won't always be extravagant or long, but we have decided that it is pivotal to the health of our relationship to take that time away from everything else and focus on "us."

Lastly, go to the temple together. This is something that Dr. Barton and I have failed at miserably since starting residency. With the nearest temple being 45 minutes away (I know, it could be SO much worse), we have found it difficult to make the time. Having to hire/find a babysitter for 4 hours certainly doesn't help. The bottom line is that we just haven't made it a high enough priority and that the afore mentioned are really just lame excuses. When you MAKE time to go to the temple together you WILL see the blessings in your marriage, home, and everyday lives. 

- Clara B. 

Find Your Beat and March to It

It's been a while since I've darkened the doorway here at Hippocrates Housewives, and what I'm about to say isn't revelatory or heavy in any way. In fact, I would wager that you've all heard or read it before. But it's sort of where we are with life, and that has to count for something, right?

Anyway...

My husband’s match day is in a couple of weeks. Friends of ours had theirs last month. Basically, the transition into residency is all we talk/think about these days. I’m not entirely sure what to expect, but if the posts by the other ladies on this blog are any indication, it isn’t for the faint of heart. To be honest, I’m getting a little nervous. I feel like we’ve just completed a marathon only to turn around and run back. Medical school is tough. And for those of us married to students, learning to juggle crazy schedules and absent spouses has turned into a work of art. We’ve finally found our balance and in a few short months, we’ll have lost our footing all over again.

My searches on the topic have been fruitful. There is a ton of info out there on surviving residency. And it’s all about the same. Seriously. Find time for yourself, focus on the future, stay positive, find what works for you, etc. All sound advice. I get the feeling, though, that it’s easier said than done and even then, a bit different for everyone. That’s probably where the “find what works for you” bit comes in. And it totally applies to medical school, too.

We made family dinner a priority and regardless of whether or not my husband had a test, we ate together and spent at least an hour afterwards just hanging out. Saturday mornings were our “lazy time”. No school, no studying. A friend mentioned her husband didn’t study on Sundays. That was their time to focus on family and got them through the late nights and early mornings throughout the week. We did what worked for us, they did what worked for them. It’s all about figuring out what works for you and what doesn’t. Family life doesn't have to suffer because of medical school, and grades don't need to take a hit to make room for more family time. It's possible to have both. You just have to find your own way of getting there.

I’ve mentioned before that my husband is about to graduate from medical school. There have been times when it’s seemed like the longest road in history. But now looking back, I can safely say it’s flown by. I’m wondering where the time went. And I know the feeling is different when you’re just starting out, or even half way through. I’ve been there. I’ve felt it. But for those of you who are wondering when you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel, do something really cliche and stop and smell the roses. Enjoy the journey. Find your balance in this crazy life, and run with it. It’ll make a huge difference.

And on those days when you're super depressed, just go ahead and eat cake for breakfast. You are, after all, an adult. Act like one.

-m. quinn