Remember Who You Are

There were many times growing up that as I ran out the door to meet friends or headed into school from the car that my parents would imploring yell, "remember who you are and what you stand for!" Most of the time their reminder would cause my teenage eyes to roll so hard I almost saw the back of my skull, but their words stuck with me anyway. As most teenagers do, I did lose myself for a time and disregarded the standards I once held (and mostly pretended to still hold). Those were some of the most miserable and difficult times of my life. It's hard not knowing who you really are. It's disappointing not living to the standard you once held yourself to. And honestly, it's not much easier now than it was in my high school days.

It's easy to lose your personal identity once you're married, have kids, and are sucked into the world of medicine. You suddenly become wife, mommy, and the doctor's spouse. So much of your time is involved with making everyone else's life function that you start to disappear. I know, I've been there. I've been in the conversation where someone asks you what you do and all you can answer is what your husband and kids do. You're asked about what your free time looks like and you stare blankly either because you don't remember what the words "free time" mean or because you're too embarrassed to answer, "watch The Biggest Loser while stuffing my face with junk food." So, for the intent of this post I'm going to change my parents' saying to "remember who you are and what you strive for." 

You are important. Yes, you are important in your role as wife, mother, supporter, friend, and all other roles that you play; but I mean you, just you, is important. When you lose yourself in everything else that you are, it's easy to fall into the pits of loneliness, depression, boredom, self-doubt, self-deprication, and a myriad of other destructive places. I know, I've been there too. I have found it crucial to the existence of "just me" to sit down every few months or so and evaluate my life, to figure out what it is I am doing, where I want to go, who I am, and who I want to be. 

Do things for yourself. I know this is something I hear all the time as a mother. I can't count the number of times I've heard, "you can't help others until you help yourself." I've been told that I should take the time to eat my favorite treat all by myself, without having to share with little mouths. I've heard that I should take the time to get a massage or manicure. Those small moments can be an absolute God send, but I bet you can do even more. You deserve more than just a few fleeting moments. Do you have a dream to finish school? Take classes. Remember that book everyone was raving about that you just never had time for? Read it. Have you always wanted to learn how to take amazing pictures? Find a friend who can teach you how. Don't completely lose your dreams and stunt your personal growth by forgetting how important you are. 

I've found that what works best for me is to set a monthly goal. If by the end of that month I've accomplished that goal to my satisfaction then I'll make a new goal for the next month; if I feel like it still needs time and attention I'll give it another month and then reevaluate again. For example: I have always wanted to learn how to make amazing pies. Yes, it's the total 50's housewife stereotype, but I wanted to do it none-the-less. I found a friend of mine who is a total Betty Crocker and asked her if she would show me how. She was thrilled with the idea and we made an afternoon of baking, having fun, and getting to know each other a little better. I'm not quite ready to bake an amazing pie for Thanksgiving dinner, but I've learned enough that I can work on my skills at home by myself. While this wasn't something huge like finishing medical school, it was fulfilling and important to me. In a career where my husband is constantly learning and growing it's easy for me to feel left behind. I need to find ways to push myself so that I can grow with him, even if I'm constructing baked goods while he reconstructs a human body. 

Find a system that works for you. Maybe a new goal a month is that extra scoop that you just can't finish on your plate. That's okay. Just make sure you find a way to take care of yourself. I beg of you: remember who YOU are and what you STRIVE for! 

- Clara B. 

A Round-less Weekend

This weekend consisted of 3 days in the great outdoors (with warm cabins to eat and sleep in comfortably) with a group of people that would not naturally congregate together in such close quarters.  It was a residency retreat, intended to gather the residents (1st years being the target audience) and attendings together for a mixing and mingling and I thought it was amazing.  Let me be slightly more specific.  It was intended to gather the resident and attending FAMILIES together.  And I still thought it was amazing.  We were one of just 3 non-intern families to join the party and afterwards I was saddened by what the other 11 families missed out on.  These types of retreats are rare (twice a year for us, which is not very often) and really important, I think, to being in a residency.  

 I've already talked about how I don't really know what goes on in a day in the life of my husband.  Which means at most gatherings, like the annual Christmas party, I have very little to say to a lot of the other residents and even less to the attendings and specialists that are there.  In 3 days surrounded by doctors, however, I heard 0 talk about medical things.  I don't even remember anyone asking what rotation anyone else was on.  I talked to attendings significant others, whom I had never met before, and we learned about each other and heard all about what the doctors are like outside of the clinic and hospital.  I found out one of the attendings is a cross country ski racer, so he gave us a little lesson on the basics of skiing (since that was the main form of entertainment where we were) and I now have a subject that I know a little bit about (thanks to his teaching) that we can talk about that isn't medicine.  

It felt like a great gathering of distant cousins who knew of each other and knew about each other to varying degrees, but spent three days getting to know each other and experienced things together, built memories and relationships that can grow in the future, though it may be 3 months before I see them again.  I'm not sure if all residencies are as interested in building a community within residents and attendings, but I think it's really important to think of everyone my husband works with and all their families as extended family.  They all know what residency life is like, but we all have lives outside of the hospital (yep, even interns have side hobbies, or at least stories of when they did have time for hobbies!) and those are the things that are important to learn so that we can be more of a family and feel more of that support and have more of those friendships (or acquaintances) to help us through and to make the time more enjoyable.  

It was different to be able to spend time with whole families, as opposed to hanging out with the spouse and children of a resident.  I got to get to know the people my husband works with and he got to know their families.  

Though we are resident's wives, I believe we need that connection to people who understand what we are going through and therefore don't need to talk about it.  Explaining to a friend or acquaintance what it means to be in a residency doesn't make them understand.  Not having to explain it or talk about it for a weekend was really great, to be supported by people who knew what our lives really were like because they've all done it and are seeing us go through it now, we can just be families or wives or children, not resident families or resident wives.  I momentarily forgot the craziness of residency life.  And it was great.

I love my husband...

...the great cross country skier

-Rachel C.

Finances: 5 Ways to Avoid Extra Debt in Residency (or anytime!)

Nobody likes talking about money. In particular, nobody likes to talk about their own money problems. It's personal! And a pretty sensitive subject... But I'm going to be honest here in hopes that it helps someone out there!

My husband makes about $52,000 a year as a resident. Once taxes, health insurance, and our tithing (for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) is taken out of that, then we live off of about $34,000. With a family of 4, we don't have too many expenses besides the usual bills. We don't have any credit card debt and aren't paying back any student loans yet. We are renting a very affordable home, don't have any government help (i.e. WIC or food stamps), own one car and have a low car payment on the other. We have made a huge effort from the beginning of residency to live within our means and always keep our expenses less than what my man brings in bi-weekly. 

As you can imagine, and if any of you are living with the same kind of salary, you'll know it can be extremely difficult some days. Don't get me wrong... My family is so very blessed with enough food to eat, clothes to wear, toys to play with, cars to drive, heat, electricity, cell phones, and a computer. All of our basic needs are met, PLUS some. I am so very grateful for those things every day. But that's about all there is every month. We don't have anything left over for savings, traveling, eating out at restaurants, buying christmas or birthday gifts (even small things) for family and friends. We only fly to visit our families once a year, and even then we use flight points that we have saved up for the entire year! More than once during residency, our bank account in between paychecks has been as low as $50. It's scary, and nerve-racking, and frustrating!

So... even though I'm not giving you tips for "How to feel rich during Residency" ... I think I have some good points here that may help some of you survive without getting into more debt.

1. Stick to your budget! [Cash Envelopes]

If you have a great way of keeping yourself ON TRACK with a budget, then stick with it! If what you're using now isn't keeping you on track, try something else! 

We have been using the "cash envelope" budgeting technique ever since medical school. It is the BEST way I have found to keep us on track when it comes to everything besides the set-in-stone bills each month. It not only keeps me from over-spending in groceries or clothes for the kids, etc... but it also helps me feel like I'm not going to go CRAZY feeling poor. It helps me feel like I'm in control of what money we have that month instead of "assuming" what money we have used. When you pull your debit or credit card out for everything, it's harder to keep track of where dollar is actually going. It's important to write a whole list of what you spend your money on. Catergories like: diapers, groceries, "other" grocery items (toiletries, TP, saran wrap, etc), oil changes for the cars, haircuts, a little fun money for each person, and so on. Know EXACTLY (to the dollar) how much money comes in, and figure out exactly how much goes out. Then you can easily cut back in areas that need it.

Then STICK. TO. IT. 

You can do it. :)

2. Throw in some fun: "Friday Night Pizza Picnic"

I don't know about you, but if I don't have a little bit of money to feel "free" with, I start to go completely crazy. I have found that if I can get out with my family every so often, and do something fun together, then I don't feel as bogged down overall.

We have decided that as a family we have $20 of "fun money" to spend together each month. That is enough for all of us to see a movie at a cheap theater, or eat out together at Chick Fil A, or get some ice cream or treats once or twice that month. Since it isn't much, we decided that we would start "friday night pizza picnic" night. My kids look forward to it all week! I make us homemade pizza for dinner and we put on a disney movie while the kids sit on a blanket and have a "pizza picnic". I could order pizza and make it less work for myself... but why spend the money? Why not spend an hour making it from scratch and instead of going OUT for some entertainment, we can stay in for free! Redbox is a great help on those nights as well. :)

3. Enjoy being home

Realize that every time you leave the house it costs you money. Whether it's in gas, stopping for a snack or treat, finding things you just "have to have" in the DollarSpot at Target... 

I have so many friends who claim they just can't stay inside all day. Their kids get stir-crazy... The moms need to get out... Everyone wakes up with the attitude of "Where are we going today?" I do admit I have days like that every so often... but most of the time my kids and I actually enjoy being home. We have time to play together, time to relax, time for a PBS show or two, lower stress levels, I have time to make dinner for my family without scrambling or cutting corners in meal-planning, and my kids have learned to self-entertain when I have projects to work on.

 Find indoor activities and activities to do with your kids. Search pinterest for easy/fun ideas (there are TONS!). Borrow movies from friends. Make a fort!

4. Memberships and free activities

-Get a library card and use it often!

-Get a zoo pass. This gives you a place to go multiple times a month if you need to get out but have no money to play with. Even better: We were gifted a year family pass by my parents... Maybe ask for one for Christmas from parents/grandparents?

I have also discovered that if you are on medicaid, you are eligible to special prices at places like zoos and other family establishments. Look into it!

-Get a pass to a kids' play place or discovery museum.

-Find out when your local Barnes and Noble has reading time. You don't need a membership for this.

-Do some exploring in your area and find out where the parks, walking trails, ponds (to feed ducks), and other outdoor sight-seeing locations are.

5. Moonlighting shifts

Some residency programs allow their residents to take on extra shifts in the hospital whenever they have spaces to fill. Usually it's in the NICU or PICU and it's mostly 12-hour night shifts on the weekends. These can pay anywhere from $700-$1000 (based on my husband's program) per shift which, as you know, is a HUGE amount of money. Find out if it's an option in your man's program. They can be hard to snag with all the other residents going after a few of these shifts per month, but they're a big help if you can get them.

I hope this lists help you bare the financial frustrations that come with residency. Hang in there! You can do this and it doesn't last forever. :)

-F. Nightingale