Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Changing Traditions

Thanksgiving is nigh upon us and as usual with holidays, many traditions come to mind.  And then they quickly leave.  Well, some of them, at least.  My husband and I spent all sorts of time talking about our family traditions growing up, which ones we really cared about, which ones we had different ideas about.  Some were new, but favorites (like going to an amazing French restaurant for Christmas Eve), others had been around forever (like having to wait until a certain time on Christmas morning before we could go downstairs and only open our stockings, and then wait even longer before we could wake everyone else up to come open presents).  Some weren't really traditions, but just how we always did them (like my family never traveled for Thanksgiving and we always had people over who had no family to celebrate with or who couldn't travel home.)

In residency, however, it sometimes didn't matter what our traditions were because we were restricted by the rotation and schedule of that week.  Our new Thanksgiving tradition is to go to Thanksgiving dinner with friends on Thursday, and then have a family meal (whether turkey or not) on the following Saturday when my husband has always had time off to travel or have guests.  


Last year, husband worked Christmas Eve and Christmas Night, so we had Christmas in the morning.  This year, we are traveling for Christmas (something I've never done), since we have almost 2 weeks we're heading to both parents on opposite sides of the country.  Never something I had planned on doing, but that's when we had time off and so that's when we'll travel.  


There's a level of flexibility that we've achieved and we were fortunate enough to have married as residency began so we didn't have any set traditions with the two of us.  That doesn't mean I don't have ideas of how I want certain holidays to go, but I've learned very quickly that it's easier to be flexible and dream of traditions for future days when there's slightly more control (and when my husband's practice can be closed and we can have a 99% chance of an uninterrupted family gathering).  


I think traditions are very important in a family.  They are something to look forward to, they unite the family in repeating activities and events that we all enjoy, and they bring a calm that happens when you know exactly what your plans will be - no surprises.  But I've realized that even more important than traditions is making sure that everything that is important in your life is shared with each other, whether on the day that everyone else celebrates it or not.  So yes, we'll celebrate Thanksgiving with family on Saturday and without turkey.  But we'll be with family.  And we'll celebrate Christmas twice this year, once on December 25th with my husband's family, and once again the following week with my family.  We'll change our Christmas Eve lunch to New Years Eve and it will be just as delicious and so much fun because our family will be together.  

Don't feel too sad about a tradition that has to change.  It might take a few years before you can start it up again.  Instead, focus on your family and the time you get to spend with them (even if it's limited, cherish it).  Be grateful for every moment.  

I love my husband...


...when we're stuffing our faces full of good food, together.


-Rachel C. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

How to Support Your Husband

Your Dr Husband walks through the door after a ridiculously long twenty-hour shift. He looks drained physically and emotionally. After changing his clothes he plops down on the bed and breaks down in tears. What do you do? How do you help him when you don't even really understand what it is he is going through?

That was me. Those were my thoughts. It was his second day of residency and he had already worked thirty-six hours. I didn't even think that was legal (turns out that hour limit is actually averaged over a month... and people don't really follow it anyway). He was on his surgery rotation. He hates surgery, even in medical school he hated surgery. So not only was he on his least favorite rotation, but it turns out that first week was the worst the hospital had seen in years. His very first day a foreign family was brought in from a car accident. Five of them, a grandmother and grandfather, mom and dad, and fourteen year old boy, none of which spoke English. Although all five were seen by the surgeons, the grandmother and the boy were in the only ones in critical condition. After some tests, Dr. Barton was concerned that something was terribly wrong with the grandmother as she couldn't feel anything below her shoulders. He took his concerns to his attending, but was told it was just from shock.

Day two of residency. Dr. Barton arrives at the hospital for rounds and the boy starts crashing shortly after. They take him in to emergency surgery where they had to remove half of his bowels only to find that there was nothing else they could do there. They had to life flight him, still open from surgery, to a more specialized hospital two hours away. Not long after that ordeal, a new attending was assigned to the grandmother's case as the first one was going on vacation. The new attending looked at Dr. Barton's notes and performed the same tests. He too was concerned so he called the neuro surgeon (who had cleared the patient the previous day) and had it confirmed that she also needed emergency surgery. It turned out that her spinal cord had been swelling the entire time. Dr. Barton had been right, but nobody listened to him. How does a doctor who has been practicing for over thirty years and an experienced neuro surgeon miss something a first day resident recognizes? How, as a first day resident, do you tell your well-practiced superiors that they're wrong? On top of all this, Dr. Barton had to tell her that because they hadn't caught the problem earlier, that she would be permanently paralyzed. He was devastated, frustrated, and demoralized and I didn't know how to help him. I mean, this kind of stuff only happens on TV. If we were living in  Grey's Anatomy then I would know what to do: grab some alcohol and dance it out. But this isn't a TV show, and we don't drink alcohol, and Dr. Barton didn't seem like he wanted to dance anything out. So what can you do? When your husband comes home beat mentally, physically, and emotionally what options do you have in supporting him?

Warning: what you are about to read will likely infuriate you if you consider yourself a feminist. But honestly, just our blog title alone probably would have deterred you before you even made it to the actual content. (Here's a hint for you, it's meant to be kind of ironic. not quite the word I'm looking for....) I have always had a hard time with gender stereo types. My parents always made sure we knew that the only thing that really made girls different than boys were our body parts. While my mom was a stay-at-home-mother for my early years, she returned to work and school when I was thirteen and my youngest sibling was three. My dad became the stay-at-home/self-employed parent. My mom didn't craft, wasn't into make-up, and never did our hair. My dad made our Halloween costumes, tended to the children, and taught me how to cook. In our religion this was not the norm, but I liked it.

Before my husband and I were married we had many strong discussions... okay fine, arguments, about what my eventual role as wife and mother would be. I envisioned myself more like my mother, working in a job outside of the home, and he hoped I would be like his, staying at home even when her own children were all in school (and moved out). He supported me finishing school, but then he pictured me staying at home all Suzy Homemaker like raising children and enjoying housework. Well, I also saw myself raising children, but once they were old enough to be in school I wanted to start teaching... and I hate housework. To be completely honest with you, four years and two kids later things haven't really changed. I still hate housework and would love to one day teach, and he's still holding out hope that I'll be home to make lunch for our kids and their friends when they're in high school. HOWEVER, I have come to realize that for now, in the time of life and situation we are in, the best way I can help my children, my husband, and yes, even myself, is to embrace that Suzy Homemaker roll to the best of my ability. These are the things I found help my man the most (in no particular order).


1 - Don't dump things on him as soon as he arrives home.

I know it's been a long day with the kids and you just need a few minutes to go to the bathroom without little people screaming and pushing those chubby little hands under the door. I know you want to tell him all about your day. I know there's that honey-do-list that has been put off again and again. It's hard, but give him time to decompress, away from the chaos of lovely children, not having to pay attention to anyone but himself. If it's been too hard of a day for you and you can't manage that, give him a warning before he comes home. There have been quite a few times I've sent a text saying something along the lines of, "two year old melt down, eighteen month old teething with all four molars, mommy PMSing and about to lose it. Take time to yourself before you come home cause I need you all here once you come home." Most of the time he comes home right away ready to help because he knows I need it, but on occasion he's taken a few minutes to either just drive around or grab a special treat for himself because after a crazy day he isn't quite ready for a crazy house.

2 - Try to provide a decently clean, clutter free home environment.

I have found that not only are my husband and children more at ease when the home is relatively tidy, but I am too. As mentioned before, I hate housework with a passion so this one is a toughie for me. However, in talking to some other resident wives we found this to be a common denominator, our husbands are happier when the little time they have at home is spent in a clean home. This makes things just a little bit easier for me. I know that when my man has come home from a stressful day at work, a cluttered/messy house just adds to his stress. Often times this leads to him cleaning up in anger (think pots clanging a little louder than should, cupboards closing a little harder than normal, and that teddy bear he keeps tripping over being tossed across the room) which leads to me becoming defensive and territorial. Maybe these are just some of personality flaws and not a problem that most people have, but a messy home + hard day = contention in the Barton family.

3 - Have nice meals on a regular basis.

This is another one I really struggle with. I used to love cooking, it was relaxing and completely enjoyable, but once I was married and had a real adult life with school, a job, and eventually kids, it became more of a chore. It's so much easier to throw that box of mac and cheese into a pot and call it good, especially now that Dr. Barton is regularly not home for dinner time. Now, when I say have a nice meal I don't mean a candle lit table with four courses (although that might be fun every once in a while), I mean more than those frozen Dino-nuggets from Costco and microwaved peas. I have found that when I get in these cooking slumps it adds strain to the family. Yes, it's not easy, but make the time to have a real meal (even if Dr. Husband will be reheating it whenever he actually comes home).

4 - Let him take time for himself.

You know how you crave that girls night out after a long day with the kids? Well he does too.... just with guys instead. It's tough when you don't see him often to be okay with him taking the time he could be spending with you away, I know, but it is oh so very important for him. He doesn't have to go in to work until the afternoon? Maybe suggest he and a buddy go golfing. A new man-movie just came out and he happens to have the next day off? Let him go with his friends. I promise that when you see him de-stressed and happy it will pay off. Plus, I'm sure he'll recognize and appreciate what you're doing for him and *hopefully* re-pay you later...

5 - Send him encouraging messages throughout the day.

We all like receiving little notes of affirmation and affection and it's especially important when you are spending so much time apart. Hide little notes in places like his white coat pocket. Send him random texts letting him know how grateful you are for all his hard work. One time I set reminders on his phone to go off every three hours with different little love notes on a day I knew was going to be particularly tough for him. Whatever way you do it, let him know that you are proud of him, appreciate him, and love him oh so very much.

6 - Surprise him with a special treat.

There have been a few times when I have had a little something special for him when he comes home. Most of the time it's something small, like his favorite kind of donuts, but sometimes it's nice to do something a little more. I'll leave that up to your imagination.

It's also nice to surprise him with something at work. This is something I like to do for him and the nurses he works with particularly when working holidays. For example: on Independence Day my littles and I made "firecracker cookies" using pop rocks as sprinkles and delivered them to the floor he was working that day; Halloween night we made cupcakes with black and orange sprinkles and cute little Halloween flags on them and brought them to the OB floor in our costumes. I figure that since they (our husbands and their nurses) are giving up the time and fun with their friends and families, we can bring at least a little bit of the fun to them. It helps make everyone happier!

7 - Make sure you listen to him, even if you don't fully understand what he's talking about.

No, I don't know what it's like to deliver a baby through emergency c-section (from the mother or doctor perspective), but I can certainly listen to how hard it was to feel like you failed the mother who had been trying so long to avoid it. I don't really understand what it's like to have someone's life changed forever when nobody listened to you because it's your first day on the job, but I can provide a shoulder to cry on and give a pretty decent hug to help soften the blow just a tiny bit. I don't know what it's like to surgically remove a homemade wooden banana from a man's rectum because it was the only way he felt he could relieve himself sexually and it went a little too far up, but I can definitely listen to the story and laugh about it with Dr. Husband now that the guy's okay. 

8 - Make sure you take time for just the two of you.

It's really easy to plan a bunch of family activities for the little time your man actually has off; however, it is crucial for both of you that you make time for you and him as a couple. Whether that be a special dinner for just the two of you after the kiddos are asleep or making a point of having a date night once a month (or however often you can fit in.... that's about once every 2-3 months for us), just make the time.

9 - Pray for him.

Make it a point to pray for him in both your personal and family prayers. We mix it up a little bit by praying for things like "help Daddy to continue learning," "please help him get the rest that his body needs," "help him know how to best treat his patients," "help us to know how to best support Daddy in all his hard work." If you think about it, there are almost endless needs and ways to ask for those needs to be met. I've noticed that on the days we really make a point to pray for our Dr. Dad, not only does his day seem to go better but we seem to have an easier time with him being gone so much.

10 - Just keep doing your best.

You're doing great! As has been mentioned many times before this is not an easy profession to be in or to be married to, but you're doing a good job. Don't feel like you have to be a master at all of these ALL the time. I'm certainly not. It's hard to keep your man happy and family happy if you yourself aren't happy. Don't get discouraged by all the things you could be doing. Just keep moving along and throw in a little extra on a day you're feeling like you can take on the world.

As I said, many of these things don't come easily to me and go against my semi-feminist views, but I've decided that here and now they need to be done. This might not always hold true or I might learn to love the role and embrace it fully. Either way, this is where I am needed. This is where I can do the most good for my family. This is me now. 

- Clara B. 

Wether you stay at home, go to school, work outside of the home, or a combination of those, what do you do to help support your Dr. Spouse? 



Monday, November 4, 2013

A Road Trip to Interviews

My husband and I have been on exactly two childless vacations.  Both were calm, relaxed, and enormous amounts of fun.  Five years and a couple kids later I find myself staring at him from the passenger seat wishing I had a wrench or something to throw at his head.

We just got home from a 3000 mile, parenting obstacle course, "family vacation" road trip.  We embarked on this journey after my husband had the brilliant idea to apply for residencies in the cities where both his brother and my brother live.  He then scheduled his interviews to coincide so we could spend a little time with their families.  Great idea and I was completely on board.  Until we actually buckled in and hit the road.

About 4 hours in I looked at my husband who was calmly driving, completely unphased by the constant whining and countless amount of questions erupting from the backseat.  And I get it.  Here are our kids, reclining in their safety approved seats equipped with more cupholders than our car, an iPad, two iPods, 37 DVDs, a bag of crappy toys, books, and all the gummies in the world.  It's awful.  When I was a kid the only people who had DVD players in their cars were drug dealers and the kid from Blank Check.  Somehow I managed to survive riding in the car.  And more importantly, my parents came out the other end completely sane.  I can't say the same for me.  I'm still a little numb, to tell you the truth.

My husband, on the other hand, is completely satisfied and happy with the trip.  He got to spend a lot more time with his family, something that is a little bit of a rarity while in medical school.  His interviews went really well and the idea of our future is slowly becoming a reality.  His hard work is paying off.  I'm sure the second his wife starts pulling out her hair or downing Xanax like Smarties he'll feel differently, but for the time being he is glad we were with him for this.

And really, I am too.  In those few hours while our kids slept in the car we got to talk about the programs, go over possible interview questions, and stare at the miles and miles of farms in western Kansas.  While my nerves were wearing dangerously thin, having us there helped calm his. 

We won't be going with him to any more interviews.  That ship has definitely sailed.  But if your spouse is anything like mine, they're going to be a little nervous every time they suit up and head off to make a great impression.  Whatever kind of support you can offer is going to help.  Maybe help book their flights, pack their bag, send a quick text or phone call the morning before the interview.  If they need affirmation, provide it.  If they want you to go with them, well...good luck!

On the road/feet

-M. Quinn